I'm in trouble.
After some misunderstandings, some small arguments, and four years, I finally got a chance to see my son! AWESOME!!! He looks great. He looks awesome. He's got a gold medal in baseball. He's participating in some sort of a sports activity that allows him to play I believe 9 different sports. That's great. He got a ton of birthday gifts. Great. He says I look different, which is especially great since he hasn't seen me in 4 years! Which in my mind says that he hasn't forgotten about me! AWESOME!! He saw the baby bed in the background so I explained to him that was his baby brother. Tara wouldn't allow him to see him, but he was able to see photos that I put up to the screen (I'll explain later), to which he exclaimed "He looks just like me!!!!" Then later he says excitedly to Tara hiding off to the side "I have a little brother!!!" I have to say that we had a GREAT conversation. It just flowed naturally. It was as if we had never been apart. I did act a fool. What do you expect? I deal with 3 kids almost everyday ranging from 1 year old to 6 years old. So yea, the call was fun and lively. Oh yea, I didn't get emotional this time. Hehe. We get off the call and I'm beaming. I'm on cloud 9. I'm smiling hours after the Skype call. Go to bed. Wake up the next day and read my email and I go from the cover of The 40 Year Old Virgin to a sad puppy. I go from that to sulking around the house. My girlfriend tells me that I essentially need to focus on the good, the positive. Don't let Tara's antics destroy that. That lately, in the past few years, this is all that she does. I get a chance to take a positive step forward, and she hits me with something that takes me back two steps. That I should be used to this now. Yea, she fussed at me. She verbally slapped me in the face. I still went to work mad and frustrated. I go through my day and eventually focus on the work load. Get home to tell my moms and she says the same thing, except in a spiritual light.
Essentially the devil doesn't want to see me happy. He couldn't do anything during the Skype call, but he waited until afterwards to bring me down. He's using her to destroy me emotionally, which in some way makes sense seeing as in general, all of her responses are those that tell me what I can and can't do, and what I will do, and what she won't allow, they're always negative. She says I need to focus on the good, the positive. That she has still been praying for her... (and this is going to leave a bad taste in my mouth as I say it), Daughter-in-Law ::runs into the bathroom for some mouthwash::. So my girlfriend gives me advice in the natural sense, my moms in the spiritual sense. Same advice either way.
Side note. Tara has essentially dumped a truckload of mud on my family, yet I still can't believe my Mom still prays for Tara. That she still smiles as she calls her Daughter-in-law ::swig of mouthwash::. That she still prays for her return. Tara has willingly kept our son from my Parents....really my whole family. My dad hasn't seen him since he was a baby. His great grandmother can't get any photos from her. She said things that were untrue. Accused me of things that were untrue. And the way she talked about my moms, yet my moms still, in her own way, welcomes her with open arms. Unreal. That in my mind shows a true embodiment of forgiveness. Not to say that I haven't, I just show mine differently.
So what did the email say? Essentially it said that she would only allow me Skype on Saturdays and one phone call during the week. That if I show that I can't Skype on Saturdays, that she will force me to only have phone calls. This is after she tells me that Skype is inappropriate for a child his age, therefore she will not allow him on Skype.
She didn't appreciate me not addressing the conversations of late considering my separation from him, essentially chatting as if it never happened. As if it doesn't exist. I really don't understand where she's coming from, all that I can really say is that we chat as if it doesn't exist. I'm chatting with him freely because he is my son. The separation doesn't make us different. The separation is the circumstance. I think maybe that shocked her. I feel that she is trying her best to cut me out of his life permanently, and with us carrying on a conversation as if nothing happened, well maybe that's not what she thought would happen. Maybe the distance between Phoenix and Atlanta, nor 4 years of not being able to visually see one another, neither the years of sporadic times she allowed us phone time, including 2011 where I got no contact time at all, can drastically effect the bond. After all, when he first saw me the first thing he said is "You look different!" He still knows me.
I feel better this morning. 2 days after I saw my son. I'm smiling again. He's a great kid.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
To Tara with Love-Part Love 6-1-14, 2am
I've had a lot to say in these past few months, so before I begin, I think I may need to call on the Father for guidance. That He direct me in what I may write. That I'm able to be completely open and honest without being degrading or hurtful. A few....well I guess it has been a year or two I mentioned that I was going to this Pregnancy Resource Center that was spiritually motivated. I mentioned a task that I had to complete, (which I might add that I never completed the assignment), in which I had to look at some of the things that were hurtful to me, and address those things to that person. I wasn't at the time able to choose between my mother or my Ex and her Parents. Why not do both? My mom is here so I can easily talk to her. However with my Ex, it's not so simple. Her parents-not so simple.I'll be honest, this will be somewhat of a series. This part, will focus on the love. But know there will be parts that will focus on some of the bad. All in all, this is not to be used as a vehicle to incite anger and frustration, but also be warned, I have no problem in being honest.
Remember when things were soooo simple? I still remember our first date. Sweetwater Creek sitting on a bench next to the lake. It was a little cloudy. We were both soooo nervous we couldn't look at one another the whole time. We decided to force ourselves to face each other instead of at the ground or at the lake. It was a time of innocence. I miss them. I loved you. I needed you. I wanted you. You were my drug of choice. Of choice. Wow. Babes (I'll use this pet name only to refrain from using your real name, it is not to be misunderstood as a pet name of love), I loved you from first picture. I'd say "first sight" but since I saw your picture first on BP, well hey....you know. I saw it and I knew you were mine to marry. Done. No questions. Just done. Final answer. I didn't care who you were or what you had been through, I accepted all of that in that micro moment of seeing your photo and I was willing to explore and experience all of that with you. Drug of choice. Remember the time when I drove out to D'ville (which in hindsight I have no earthly idea why I would drive that far AND back almost daily for a woman, except that you were my drug of choice), just to put a little encouragement letter on your car windshield when I found out that you were having a bad day at work? I was basking in Good Boyfriend status when you called excited, surprised and mad that I came all the way out there without letting you know. I miss your cuddles. I could never find the right position, I always needed to be closer. The way you just fit mine. Oh and your scent! Not a bad smell, just the way you smell. You weren't musty or anything, it was just you. I miss that. I smell it from time to time and I think of you immediately. It's been years since it last wafted through my nostrils.
Babes you need to understand that when we were together, I loved you in the true meaning of love. There was nothing that you could have done that I would not forgive you for, maybe even going as far as questioning myself as to what I did to contribute to you doing whatever that I might need to forgive you. Honestly, you could have cheated on me and I would have forgiven you. I was prepared to stay and work things out. I was prepared to forgive you on anything. You were my drug of choice. My need. Who I thought about all the time. I used to sit back and think of ways to put a smile on your face, just so I could see you smile. I miss that smile. The way you'd kind of shake your head when you did it. And the dimples.....wow. Show me that smile and I was done. I remember what we did the first night after getting married that day. We came home. Undressed out of our "bride" and :groom" t-shirts. I pulled the hairpins out of your hair (your hair was on point that day!), I think we went to bed in boxer shorts and basketball shorts, and we spooned ourselves to sleep. I woke up the next morning thinking "I don't see how anyone can consummate the marriage at night 'cause we were tired!". Then we had our first fight, the position of the card table in the dining room. Whether it should be boring and mundane by being parallel to the way, your way, or fun and different by being diagonal ( my way). You won that argument. Oh wait! Remember the time we went to Sweetwater Creek at night and fished and we both caught something at the same time. I pulled mine in SOOOOOO confidently and you're pulling yours in. We get them both up and mine is like 8 inches and yours is like 2 and a half feet! And we heard the Hispanics fishing from the bank laughing too hard at me. That was a good night. There's so many things that I could mention, like the moment of pride I had as I stood up in recognition of your graduation as your husband. The fun in being with you at school teaching kids, you were an AWESOME teacher. Babes I loved EVERY minute of being yours, from online friend to husband. I LOVED you, and all that you were, and would be. Sure we had bad times, but I looked at us, not from the standpoint of whats happening now, but who we were as a whole. You were my drug of CHOICE. Quite frankly, I still love you, but as a Christian should.
Hi my name is Deon, and I'm not addicted to Babes. I've been clean, oh um, several years now. ::crowd stands up and cheers::
Like I said, I still love you. This process of divorce, well shoot not even that, the constant denial of our son has forced me to reflect............I don't like that word. Visualize? Determine. Think about. Comprehend....I thought a lot about us and me and you and God and my position with Him. I love you as a Christian should.
As a Christian, I try to practice forgiveness, mercy, grace and understanding.
This is how I love you now, with these Christian traits. I practice forgiveness every time I call your Mom's number and am met with a voicemail and no call back. I practice mercy when I tell myself "Maybe next week" when I leave a voicemail and hope I'll be able to talk with him on the next phone call. Grace is shown when I allow myself to show patience, in thinking that maybe you haven't mentally acclimated yourself to still having to deal with me, even all the way in Georgia, with our son. I'm sure I'm like a gnat that keeps pestering your eyeball. I try to apply understanding when I look at my changing as boyfriend in relation to your parents, to husband and living with your parents. I see some of the ways our marriage changed after we moved in, and truth be told, that was the last thing we should have done. I know what it was like dealing with your parents, I'm sure you are going through some of the same things still. I saw who my wife was in our own apartment, and who she was moving in with her parents. She was not the same. I love you as a Christian, I show Christian love.
Back in the day, I used to say that you had Taravision. Please forgive me if back then, using the term did more harm than was wanted. I use it now only to explain a point. You saw things from your perspective. No real problem there, however it became an issue once you didn't leave any room for any possibilities or explanations. Everything, when you were in that mode was either black or white, no gradients of grey. And going further, it doesn't allow you to forgive. It makes you hold on to the negative, the hurt, the pain. It makes you want, and in some cases causing, others to feel your pain. Considering our relationship (which is to say our level of communication as Baby Daddy and Baby Momma), I feel as though I'm still dealing with the Vision. So, metaphorically speaking, I'm here on my knees apologizing. I'm so very very sorry for my role in the breakup. For my role in causing you to divorce me. For causing you to keep my child away from me. I'm asking you to forgive me. Not for my sake, but for God, for you, how others see you as a Christian and follow you, and for our son's well being. I hope for all those reasons, that the Vision isn't allowed to manifest. If the Vision takes hold, well it won't matter that I just apologized, heartfelt and sincere. It'll make you think that I'm doing this for some other reason other than the reason I gave. It'll make you think that I'm out for something, or that I'm trying to get us back together. It can even go as far as allowing your parents to support any thoughts of reasons other than what I gave. You may say that I'm trying to bad mouth you because of the divorce. I'm not. That I'm trying to find out things about your/ your parents lives. I'm not. I'm a dude. That's too much drama for me. Compounded more since I now have a woman and 3 kids to take care of.
My one reason: I want a decent working relationship with our son. In order to do that, I have to go through you. It's that simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. All that I do is for that one reason.
May the Blood of Christ wash over Babes and I. That some form of forgiveness is manifested within both of us. That we be able to look to the future and forget the past. Most importantly, that others who see the Light of Christ with in us, be not lead astray by our natural imperfections. That they be able to say "Look at what God has done in their lives! This is the God I want to serve!" In Jesus name, amen.
I feel good. Now that I got that part off my chest, it's time to make someone curse my screen name in Black Ops 2! God willing I'll do the other parts soon, Yall be good and be Christ-like.
Remember when things were soooo simple? I still remember our first date. Sweetwater Creek sitting on a bench next to the lake. It was a little cloudy. We were both soooo nervous we couldn't look at one another the whole time. We decided to force ourselves to face each other instead of at the ground or at the lake. It was a time of innocence. I miss them. I loved you. I needed you. I wanted you. You were my drug of choice. Of choice. Wow. Babes (I'll use this pet name only to refrain from using your real name, it is not to be misunderstood as a pet name of love), I loved you from first picture. I'd say "first sight" but since I saw your picture first on BP, well hey....you know. I saw it and I knew you were mine to marry. Done. No questions. Just done. Final answer. I didn't care who you were or what you had been through, I accepted all of that in that micro moment of seeing your photo and I was willing to explore and experience all of that with you. Drug of choice. Remember the time when I drove out to D'ville (which in hindsight I have no earthly idea why I would drive that far AND back almost daily for a woman, except that you were my drug of choice), just to put a little encouragement letter on your car windshield when I found out that you were having a bad day at work? I was basking in Good Boyfriend status when you called excited, surprised and mad that I came all the way out there without letting you know. I miss your cuddles. I could never find the right position, I always needed to be closer. The way you just fit mine. Oh and your scent! Not a bad smell, just the way you smell. You weren't musty or anything, it was just you. I miss that. I smell it from time to time and I think of you immediately. It's been years since it last wafted through my nostrils.
Babes you need to understand that when we were together, I loved you in the true meaning of love. There was nothing that you could have done that I would not forgive you for, maybe even going as far as questioning myself as to what I did to contribute to you doing whatever that I might need to forgive you. Honestly, you could have cheated on me and I would have forgiven you. I was prepared to stay and work things out. I was prepared to forgive you on anything. You were my drug of choice. My need. Who I thought about all the time. I used to sit back and think of ways to put a smile on your face, just so I could see you smile. I miss that smile. The way you'd kind of shake your head when you did it. And the dimples.....wow. Show me that smile and I was done. I remember what we did the first night after getting married that day. We came home. Undressed out of our "bride" and :groom" t-shirts. I pulled the hairpins out of your hair (your hair was on point that day!), I think we went to bed in boxer shorts and basketball shorts, and we spooned ourselves to sleep. I woke up the next morning thinking "I don't see how anyone can consummate the marriage at night 'cause we were tired!". Then we had our first fight, the position of the card table in the dining room. Whether it should be boring and mundane by being parallel to the way, your way, or fun and different by being diagonal ( my way). You won that argument. Oh wait! Remember the time we went to Sweetwater Creek at night and fished and we both caught something at the same time. I pulled mine in SOOOOOO confidently and you're pulling yours in. We get them both up and mine is like 8 inches and yours is like 2 and a half feet! And we heard the Hispanics fishing from the bank laughing too hard at me. That was a good night. There's so many things that I could mention, like the moment of pride I had as I stood up in recognition of your graduation as your husband. The fun in being with you at school teaching kids, you were an AWESOME teacher. Babes I loved EVERY minute of being yours, from online friend to husband. I LOVED you, and all that you were, and would be. Sure we had bad times, but I looked at us, not from the standpoint of whats happening now, but who we were as a whole. You were my drug of CHOICE. Quite frankly, I still love you, but as a Christian should.
Hi my name is Deon, and I'm not addicted to Babes. I've been clean, oh um, several years now. ::crowd stands up and cheers::
Like I said, I still love you. This process of divorce, well shoot not even that, the constant denial of our son has forced me to reflect............I don't like that word. Visualize? Determine. Think about. Comprehend....I thought a lot about us and me and you and God and my position with Him. I love you as a Christian should.
As a Christian, I try to practice forgiveness, mercy, grace and understanding.
This is how I love you now, with these Christian traits. I practice forgiveness every time I call your Mom's number and am met with a voicemail and no call back. I practice mercy when I tell myself "Maybe next week" when I leave a voicemail and hope I'll be able to talk with him on the next phone call. Grace is shown when I allow myself to show patience, in thinking that maybe you haven't mentally acclimated yourself to still having to deal with me, even all the way in Georgia, with our son. I'm sure I'm like a gnat that keeps pestering your eyeball. I try to apply understanding when I look at my changing as boyfriend in relation to your parents, to husband and living with your parents. I see some of the ways our marriage changed after we moved in, and truth be told, that was the last thing we should have done. I know what it was like dealing with your parents, I'm sure you are going through some of the same things still. I saw who my wife was in our own apartment, and who she was moving in with her parents. She was not the same. I love you as a Christian, I show Christian love.
Back in the day, I used to say that you had Taravision. Please forgive me if back then, using the term did more harm than was wanted. I use it now only to explain a point. You saw things from your perspective. No real problem there, however it became an issue once you didn't leave any room for any possibilities or explanations. Everything, when you were in that mode was either black or white, no gradients of grey. And going further, it doesn't allow you to forgive. It makes you hold on to the negative, the hurt, the pain. It makes you want, and in some cases causing, others to feel your pain. Considering our relationship (which is to say our level of communication as Baby Daddy and Baby Momma), I feel as though I'm still dealing with the Vision. So, metaphorically speaking, I'm here on my knees apologizing. I'm so very very sorry for my role in the breakup. For my role in causing you to divorce me. For causing you to keep my child away from me. I'm asking you to forgive me. Not for my sake, but for God, for you, how others see you as a Christian and follow you, and for our son's well being. I hope for all those reasons, that the Vision isn't allowed to manifest. If the Vision takes hold, well it won't matter that I just apologized, heartfelt and sincere. It'll make you think that I'm doing this for some other reason other than the reason I gave. It'll make you think that I'm out for something, or that I'm trying to get us back together. It can even go as far as allowing your parents to support any thoughts of reasons other than what I gave. You may say that I'm trying to bad mouth you because of the divorce. I'm not. That I'm trying to find out things about your/ your parents lives. I'm not. I'm a dude. That's too much drama for me. Compounded more since I now have a woman and 3 kids to take care of.
My one reason: I want a decent working relationship with our son. In order to do that, I have to go through you. It's that simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. All that I do is for that one reason.
May the Blood of Christ wash over Babes and I. That some form of forgiveness is manifested within both of us. That we be able to look to the future and forget the past. Most importantly, that others who see the Light of Christ with in us, be not lead astray by our natural imperfections. That they be able to say "Look at what God has done in their lives! This is the God I want to serve!" In Jesus name, amen.
I feel good. Now that I got that part off my chest, it's time to make someone curse my screen name in Black Ops 2! God willing I'll do the other parts soon, Yall be good and be Christ-like.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Persistence 3.14.14
I hope the Lord may see fit that I should live long enough to have a head full of white hair. To live long enough to mark up my wood floors with tracks made from my wheelchair. To see the world change in a hundred years and wonder at the simplicity of what life used to be. And when our Father in Heaven takes me on home, and I stand before Him in judgement and He asks me "Have you lived a good Christian life? Did you love all and show love as I have?", and I reply with, "I hope it was to your standard." He would then ask "What about when your Ex denied you of your child, her mother allowing you to call him several times a week without picking up or returning your calls". To that I'd say "I gotta say, I think I did pretty good". "And when she continued to restrict you of contact, going as far as saying there will be no Skype, and you can only call on Saturdays, even after you got your lawyer involved again, how did you do then? Did you let anger posses you?" "No Father. As far as I can tell, I never let anger get to me."
After that, He would then decide on my fate, based on other things in my life and I'd go to Heaven or Hell. I honestly can't tell you that I'd make it to heaven. I'm sure there's always something that I can do to make myself a better Christian. Something that I don't know that I'm doing wrong, which through fasting and prayer I should be able to find out what that is and make it right.
I guess the point of all this is we all will be judged by our actions and thoughts. Even though she's still denying me my son, I still have to act like the better Christian because later on, I will be judged by how I responded. I have to act, not react to what shes doing.
After that, He would then decide on my fate, based on other things in my life and I'd go to Heaven or Hell. I honestly can't tell you that I'd make it to heaven. I'm sure there's always something that I can do to make myself a better Christian. Something that I don't know that I'm doing wrong, which through fasting and prayer I should be able to find out what that is and make it right.
I guess the point of all this is we all will be judged by our actions and thoughts. Even though she's still denying me my son, I still have to act like the better Christian because later on, I will be judged by how I responded. I have to act, not react to what shes doing.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Pushing Daisys 2-11-14
I gotta share this, and this is akin to me praying during the bad thunderstorm that I make it to church, and when I prayed not to have a child/to have a child, that I not be late for work when I just saw my bus roll by, when I prayed about how to handle the Ford when going through my divorce, and a few other situations that I know was answered by the blessings of God.
I was called in early yesterday. You see we in Georgia don't really encounter snow storms/ ice storms, but when we do, all hail breaks loose! Haha, get it? Get it?! Haha. Cars from non-drivers end up in the ditch, people drive too fast, people drive with bald tires, they drive with 30 inch rims, but the biggest problem is that truckers jack knife. This last storm about a week or two ago, people were stuck in their cars for up to 14 hours! So with memories of the last episode still fresh, people are shopping in the grocery stores and buying as if they will be holed up for two weeks in their house. So, like I said I was called in early. I finish making a casserole and go in to work. I get on the highway and about halfway in my travel, my radio stops. Now I'm thinking there's something wrong with the station, until later on I check it and the screen says low battery. I say ok and keep driving, knowing that I will have to make the purchase really soon. I get off the exit and all my gauges drop. They act as if the car isn't driving at all. Now that worries me. Something is clearly wrong with my car. I pray to my Father in Heaven that I be able to make it to the parking lot at work where I can be safe. I Vox my girl and let her know and right when I was going to say "I think I can make it", I changed it to "I'll be able to make it". So I'm driving and now the car is silent. I hear the engine noise from pressing the gas, and the car kind of lurches when it changes gears, but aside from that, quiet. And all turning signal functions cease, so essentially no lights. I was allowed to make it to the parking lot. And just like my prayer, as soon as I turn into the parking lot, the car stops everything. I've got no lights, turning signals, no engine noise, my power steering is shot, no gas. Nothing. My car is dead. My brakes work though! So I had to put the car in neutral and push it up a slight incline to park it. I never realized that I could push a car by myself.
I can't say that I learned a lot. I already know the power of prayer, especially during one of my fasts. I already know the things that our Father in Heaven has done for me after one of those good prayers. I guess every once in a while, you feel extra special, like God only loves you, when He answers your needs, wants, or desires. Kinda like getting a gold star in kindergarten.
So now, here I am, stuck at my girlfriends house all day with nothing to do except watch Netflix and beat someone's ace in BlackOps.
Thank God.
I was called in early yesterday. You see we in Georgia don't really encounter snow storms/ ice storms, but when we do, all hail breaks loose! Haha, get it? Get it?! Haha. Cars from non-drivers end up in the ditch, people drive too fast, people drive with bald tires, they drive with 30 inch rims, but the biggest problem is that truckers jack knife. This last storm about a week or two ago, people were stuck in their cars for up to 14 hours! So with memories of the last episode still fresh, people are shopping in the grocery stores and buying as if they will be holed up for two weeks in their house. So, like I said I was called in early. I finish making a casserole and go in to work. I get on the highway and about halfway in my travel, my radio stops. Now I'm thinking there's something wrong with the station, until later on I check it and the screen says low battery. I say ok and keep driving, knowing that I will have to make the purchase really soon. I get off the exit and all my gauges drop. They act as if the car isn't driving at all. Now that worries me. Something is clearly wrong with my car. I pray to my Father in Heaven that I be able to make it to the parking lot at work where I can be safe. I Vox my girl and let her know and right when I was going to say "I think I can make it", I changed it to "I'll be able to make it". So I'm driving and now the car is silent. I hear the engine noise from pressing the gas, and the car kind of lurches when it changes gears, but aside from that, quiet. And all turning signal functions cease, so essentially no lights. I was allowed to make it to the parking lot. And just like my prayer, as soon as I turn into the parking lot, the car stops everything. I've got no lights, turning signals, no engine noise, my power steering is shot, no gas. Nothing. My car is dead. My brakes work though! So I had to put the car in neutral and push it up a slight incline to park it. I never realized that I could push a car by myself.
I can't say that I learned a lot. I already know the power of prayer, especially during one of my fasts. I already know the things that our Father in Heaven has done for me after one of those good prayers. I guess every once in a while, you feel extra special, like God only loves you, when He answers your needs, wants, or desires. Kinda like getting a gold star in kindergarten.
So now, here I am, stuck at my girlfriends house all day with nothing to do except watch Netflix and beat someone's ace in BlackOps.
Thank God.
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