It's so easy to misunderstand something, especially when you're going through a divorce or dealing with the Baby Momma. So easy to get angry, I mean after all, this was the one person that said they loved you. I didn't want my dealings with her to be with anger, or mistrust. So I've always tried to kind of hold back on the emotions. Show mercy whenever possible. Whatever I could do to not see her in a negative light, I tried to do with the best of my ability. In fact the one thing I've tried not to face in dealing with her, is that she doesn't want me involved with our son. With two simple sentences, my son has caused me to deal with what I didn't want to.
That she and her family really don't want me involved in his life.
Surprisingly I'm fairly calm about this verbal acknowledgement. What can I do except accept it?
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
Crossroads 9-27-13
Here I stand at the juncture of "What I was Taught Road" and "Was that Really Right Lane".
I've re-read some of my earlier posts and, granted I haven't been on in a while, but life has gotten deep for me.
I haven't spoken to my firstborn since August of last year. Granted I still make the calls, I still email her times I am available, I still leave the voice mails, I still get no response. I ask what school does he go to, no response. I say "well summer is coming, when is a good time to come through and see him, I'll be driving", no response. It's an......emotional......not sure I like that, psychological? No I don't like that either. Technological brick wall. That's better. If I was asked, do I still love her even still. I'd say somewhat. I was married to her. She was my all. I told her things my own mother wouldn't have known about me. She was, not my first love, but MY love. She will always have a place in my heart.
But I'm not crazy either. Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, not me, not this one here.
I've got a girlfriend. We have a year old son (I refuse to say 13 month, and the time it takes to vocally express "a year and a month" my hair could turn gray, js.) Lemme tell you HE IS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! His name is Noah (I didn't plan on having another child, especially one with a name that starts with the letter "N"). He looks just like Najee at times. Sometimes when his head is turned at the right angle, and his facial expression is just right, I can't help but saying "Wow, looks just like my 1st". My girlfriend has two other kids that I have been involved with for the past two years. I LOVE em! ESPECIALLY the girl. She's MY girl. If ANYONE hurts her, and please forgive me for this moment of hoodness, Imma have ta shank em with my pinky fanga! The boy is 6, the girl is just about 3.
Me and my girlfriend have been talking about marriage, and moving in and whatnot.
But "WAIT" you exclaim! How are you able to have a girlfriend AND get married?!
I'm glad you asked. Here's why. And this is where the juncture begins.
Tara isn't coming back. I know this. I accept this. I'm not totally fine with it since I would have rather worked things out, but hey, it is what it is. When I got divorced, I was......28 I believe. Young man. Young sexually needy man. Wasn't right, but I was missing her, missing a woman. So yea, I had sex. Fast forward to roughly 22 months ago and a child was created.
According to how I was raised, once you were married you were married. That's it. Done. Final. No return. No exchanges. Not even with a receipt. Stuck. More specifically, in God's eyes, that was it. You could get a divorce in the natural sense, but in the spiritual sense, it's still all over for you. You just happen to be married to someone who doesn't love back like they used to. Now from my understanding, the only way a divorce could be legit in both the natural and spiritual sense, is if one cheated. Now I make this very clear, I NEVER cheated on my wife while we were together. So just to make this simple, she divorced me in the natural sense, I made it legit in the spiritual sense by being with another woman. My Mom still scolds and lectures me about being with my girlfriend. She wants me to make things work out with Tara. I say screw that! She's not coming back. I understand and accept it. SHE left me, NOT the other way around.
With that being said, there's only a handful of scriptures that pertain to marriage. What if there's more to it? Am I really supposed to not be with anyone else at all, remain single for the rest of my life because according to God I'm still married in the Spiritual sense? My Girl is a GOOD woman. She FEEDS me! Tara cooked 3 times in the 2 years we were together, and one won't count because it was a cold Pop-Tart clattering on a plate. I have a gut now. I'm actually working out now to get rid of it. Something I've never had to do before. She's good with the kids. Decent with her finances. Great relationship with her parents, more specifically her Moms. She never denies the father of her kids the kids. He can always come through and pick them up. She supports me when she can, when she needs to, emotionally. ESPECIALLY when it concerns my EX. That's most important to me. She's been a great wife to me even as a girlfriend. I love her. I love my son. I love my other two kids.
I've been questioning my spiritual self. Rather the teachings I was brought up on. I haven't gone to church in say a year. I'm confused spiritually. I know the kind of faith I had before, ESPECIALLY when I did my fasts. I wonder now if the churches teachings I grew up on was kind of a stepping stone to something bigger and better? I don't have a home church anymore. I want to experience something else, yet I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Maybe I'll cross the street at some point.
Be good. Be Christians. Grow. Pray for me.
I've re-read some of my earlier posts and, granted I haven't been on in a while, but life has gotten deep for me.
I haven't spoken to my firstborn since August of last year. Granted I still make the calls, I still email her times I am available, I still leave the voice mails, I still get no response. I ask what school does he go to, no response. I say "well summer is coming, when is a good time to come through and see him, I'll be driving", no response. It's an......emotional......not sure I like that, psychological? No I don't like that either. Technological brick wall. That's better. If I was asked, do I still love her even still. I'd say somewhat. I was married to her. She was my all. I told her things my own mother wouldn't have known about me. She was, not my first love, but MY love. She will always have a place in my heart.
But I'm not crazy either. Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, not me, not this one here.
I've got a girlfriend. We have a year old son (I refuse to say 13 month, and the time it takes to vocally express "a year and a month" my hair could turn gray, js.) Lemme tell you HE IS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! His name is Noah (I didn't plan on having another child, especially one with a name that starts with the letter "N"). He looks just like Najee at times. Sometimes when his head is turned at the right angle, and his facial expression is just right, I can't help but saying "Wow, looks just like my 1st". My girlfriend has two other kids that I have been involved with for the past two years. I LOVE em! ESPECIALLY the girl. She's MY girl. If ANYONE hurts her, and please forgive me for this moment of hoodness, Imma have ta shank em with my pinky fanga! The boy is 6, the girl is just about 3.
Me and my girlfriend have been talking about marriage, and moving in and whatnot.
But "WAIT" you exclaim! How are you able to have a girlfriend AND get married?!
I'm glad you asked. Here's why. And this is where the juncture begins.
Tara isn't coming back. I know this. I accept this. I'm not totally fine with it since I would have rather worked things out, but hey, it is what it is. When I got divorced, I was......28 I believe. Young man. Young sexually needy man. Wasn't right, but I was missing her, missing a woman. So yea, I had sex. Fast forward to roughly 22 months ago and a child was created.
According to how I was raised, once you were married you were married. That's it. Done. Final. No return. No exchanges. Not even with a receipt. Stuck. More specifically, in God's eyes, that was it. You could get a divorce in the natural sense, but in the spiritual sense, it's still all over for you. You just happen to be married to someone who doesn't love back like they used to. Now from my understanding, the only way a divorce could be legit in both the natural and spiritual sense, is if one cheated. Now I make this very clear, I NEVER cheated on my wife while we were together. So just to make this simple, she divorced me in the natural sense, I made it legit in the spiritual sense by being with another woman. My Mom still scolds and lectures me about being with my girlfriend. She wants me to make things work out with Tara. I say screw that! She's not coming back. I understand and accept it. SHE left me, NOT the other way around.
With that being said, there's only a handful of scriptures that pertain to marriage. What if there's more to it? Am I really supposed to not be with anyone else at all, remain single for the rest of my life because according to God I'm still married in the Spiritual sense? My Girl is a GOOD woman. She FEEDS me! Tara cooked 3 times in the 2 years we were together, and one won't count because it was a cold Pop-Tart clattering on a plate. I have a gut now. I'm actually working out now to get rid of it. Something I've never had to do before. She's good with the kids. Decent with her finances. Great relationship with her parents, more specifically her Moms. She never denies the father of her kids the kids. He can always come through and pick them up. She supports me when she can, when she needs to, emotionally. ESPECIALLY when it concerns my EX. That's most important to me. She's been a great wife to me even as a girlfriend. I love her. I love my son. I love my other two kids.
I've been questioning my spiritual self. Rather the teachings I was brought up on. I haven't gone to church in say a year. I'm confused spiritually. I know the kind of faith I had before, ESPECIALLY when I did my fasts. I wonder now if the churches teachings I grew up on was kind of a stepping stone to something bigger and better? I don't have a home church anymore. I want to experience something else, yet I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Maybe I'll cross the street at some point.
Be good. Be Christians. Grow. Pray for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)