The In-Laws- The Mother; 12-27-11

So one of the things I recognize about myself, is that I carry some hurt feelings about my In Laws, more specifically with my Mother and Father. It's easy to remember and focus on the negative than it is to remember and be joyous about the positive. I've got good reasons to be hurt, but at some point, well it just doesn't make sense to always squint my eyes and ball up my fists whenever I think about them. What they did isn't all that they are. They are in general decent people. So I'm intending to start up a small series of positive things about my In Laws. I'd be essentially replacing the hurtful negative with the maturing positive. This one is about my Mother.

There was certain things I could go to or get from each of my In Laws. I could talk ALL DAY with my Mother about recipes.We were always bouncing ideas off of each other. I remember shortly after getting married and in our own place, I wanted to make some salmon patties. I had an idea how to make them, but I couldn't remember how. I had always watched my own Moms, but I figured I could call my new Moms. And I did call her, and yep they turned out great.
I remember the time when I grilled some cornish hens over charcoal.  I had one of those tools where you can put a can of beer or soda inside and put the chicken on top of that, grill it, and you've got some good meat. So I'm using that with orange soda, some garlic and some basic seasonings. Grilled it up for maybe 45 minutes, let her try it, and I promise you........we fought. Me and my Moms. As I recall she literally snatched a drumstick right when I cut it up good, problem was it was still in my hand. It was good. I still think on that and smile. That was one of my favorite moments with her.
Then there was the other time when she made a "Better than Sex Cake" (otherwise known as a Mississippi Mud Pie, but I prefer the before mentioned name). GOOD!! That thang there! I don't remember all the details, but as I recall, I was gone at work or school when she made it and I had what was left, and my Brother had some, then some more. Out of all the cakes she's done, that's my favorite. Boy do I miss it! I mean I could very well do it myself, yes. And it would be good. But it wouldn't be the same. Sometimes food tastes better by the person who normally does it.
I remember this angel food cake thing she did. It had like three layers of the angel food cake, and that was separated with layers of a whip cream or cool whip I believe. And she had strawberries and blueberries on top, and maybe within the layers of cream. I remember the white chocolate covered strawberry on top with blueberries. When I ate it, she had just taken a call with her sister. I knew she was on the phone but I decided to tell her it was good. So I walked over and pointed at the cake and maybe gave a thumbs up or something. I wasn't satisfied so I got on the floor and played like I was dead with my tongue out as if to say "It was to die for".
She did make this turkey breast pasta dish that was good. Just regular egg noodles with chunks of turkey breast instead of chicken or beef. But the kicker was that she added I believe orange juice to it and gave it a slight orange flavor. THAT was good!
I wonder if she still has that one drawer FILLED to the brim with recipes? Haha.
I used to pick at her because she always seemed to make things more difficult than what it was. Like a 10 for 10.00 sale at the grocery store. No you don't have to buy all ten items to get that for 1.00. Then when she would finally understand, I'd go get a light bulb and put it over her head. Haha.  
I think me and my Moms share similar personality traits. I don't know what word to use really. Soft, humble, meek maybe. Merciful, grace. I don't know. None of those speak to me strongly, they only hint at what I mean.
I miss her and her cooking. Believe me, I know how to cook, and don't mind cooking, and in fact at times, I love cooking. Actually now that I think about it, there is no one and has never been anyone else that I could bounce ideas off of like that when it came to cooking.

I miss her, respect her and I love her.

I spoke with my son this past Monday! 12-22-11

So I'm at home and I've been slaving over the grill with this turkey.

S/N- Y'all missed out on some good bird!

And whilst I'm carving up the bird (a technique I only learned form Youtube within 5 minutes or so), I get a call that says "restricted". So I'm  thinking it's my Uncle calling me. Maybe my Aunt. I don't know. I just know that it can't be my son, after all they won't let me have any contact with him. So I say "Helloooo" and the response is "Hi Daddy". So I'm like "Huh? I know someone is messing with me". So I say yet again "Hello?" And response. "Hi Daddy" It was my Little Dude!! We talked for about 30 minutes or so. It was hard hearing/understanding him. I think part way they were driving home and the window was down, then when they got home, She told him to put the phone to his mouth, then there was the fact that he would cross between jibber jabber and clean english, as any kid his age would do. I didn't care. That was my son on the line and I was gonna listen to it all!! Here's what I did understand though. "SANTA CLAUSE DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!" Haha. And Him- "Where do you live?" Me- "I live in GA." Him-"I wanna see you in GA Daddy" Yea that one made me feel good.

So here's what's crazy. This fast has been all about me. I'm doing my best to put God first and limit drastically thoughts about my son and Wife. It's not that I don't care for them, but I feel as though I put them before Him to often with my thoughts. Wondering what he's doing, what's he learning, does he miss me, etc... And for her, why won't she let me speak with him, is her mother blocking the calls and not notifying Her that I called for our son, I've only talked to him 4 times this year, why don't I have her number instead of her mother's, I am her Baby Daddy after all, our son is my and her responsibility, etc......Anyway, I've been focusing on God rather than my feeling and emotions of them. It's almost as if I've been rewarded for doing so.

I thank God for hearing. If I couldn't hear, I would not have been able to hear my son say "Daddy", or "I wanna see you in GA".
Y'all be good, and be Christian.

Wisdom and Knowledge 12-14-11

So I was reading like 2 days ago and something stood out. Paul is by far my favorite apostle. To understand where he began, and to follow his transformation, is inspiring and yet instills hope within me.

Ephesians1:17-19
¹⁷That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:
 ¹⁸The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,
 ¹⁹And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,

In Ephesians1:17-19, he talks about how he prays for the church in Ephesus, that they get spiritual understanding and maturity. So as I was reading I was like "Oh! OH OH!! THAT'S what I want!!!
Here's what I know.
I've read the new testament over and over and over and over and so on. Yet there is always something that you never caught the first time or third time or what have you. So you are always growing and understanding, in yourself and your spirit. But I believe also, that you just can't get everything the first time. Being a true Christian takes time and hard work. Our understanding is as little kids. We have to kind of grow into understanding.

1 Corinthians 3:1-2
¹And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ.
 ²I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able.

Anyway, yall be good and be Christian! 

Idols 12-13-2011

Ok so I was thinking about idols at some point. I realized that the word "idol" could mean a few things. I think in most cases, when someone says Idol, we immediately think of some carving made of wood, stone, or something made of metal that we worship. We all know of the story in the old testament when the people worshiped the golden calf. It was made by man, then man worshiped it as his god. But how does that apply to this day in time? It is 2011. I think people making their own gods are few and far between. But do we "worship" anything, or someone else more than we do God?
I remember I believe earlier this year how I was playing this game on FB. I realized that I was accessing the site, and playing the game more than reading my bible. We have cell phones that do any and everything. We are constantly glued to those little screens. It's become more important to know whats going on with the outside world than whats going on with our inner spiritual selves. People get on other websites that constantly update their daily going ons- what they are eating, where that are at, how they feel, etc., yet did they take 5 minutes to pray for their kids or more importantly their spiritual beings? I'm just talking. But I wonder too though. In our day to day lives, do we really put God first as we think we do, or are we doing things that contradict our beliefs?
I don't see any real wrong with websites, or with cell phones, or with any other thing we use to make life bearable. I just wonder about how involved are we with these things.

Exodus 34: 14- For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God

Fast update 12-10-2011

So I'm on my 10th day of my fast and it ends on March 12th. It seems as though it's the hardest fast that I've done. Before I never really had an issue of fighting off the urge to go out and buy a burger, or stop by and get a taco. But this one is different. I've never really had an issue of denying myself food to the point of where it was a struggle. But this one is serious! Before, it was more like, I knew what foods I wasn't going to eat, and I was cool with it. This time, I have to reprimand myself or encourage myself or put it out of my mind somehow.
I've had one dream so far. I realized when I woke up that I've had it before, except this one was more detailed and had more scenes, I just can't figure it out though.
There's one thing I know. Anything of value, you have to fight and struggle for. Spiritually speaking, anything you strive for, the enemy will do whatever he can to destroy you. He's working hard to stop me on my fast. I've got 90 more days left.
May the Strength of our Father in heaven be with me forever and always. I ask that He won't let me falter in my progress towards Him. I can't fail Him now. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Y'all be good, and be Christians.

The House- The Blessing 12-6-2011

Ok so the house isn't all that "Wow!" on the outside, but the inside is pretty decent. In the end, you live inside a house, not the outside. The inside needs to be better, at least in my view, since the inside is actually lived in. The outside can always be fixed. But how is it a blessing?

We had been looking for a house for the past month to two months. We found some great leads, but there was always something that didn't fit us. Too high an amount, not enough rooms, bad area, etc.. The majority of our things had been moved to storage, so we are sleeping on the floors, only a few pots and pans to cook with. Then what happens? The plumbing goes! You plunge the toilet and the stuff comes out of the tub. Everyone say it with me! "EWWW! NASTY!" So we spend a good week or two making trips to the water valve at the street shutting it off, partly due to the fact that the kitchen faucet is constantly dripping. Oh yea, my personal gripe. I had no "room" of my own so I slept in the family room in the back. Problem is that there was no door, only a curtain. A curtain that my little sister would just go through if she were bored to see what I was doing. A curtain that my Moms would just walk through looking for something of hers in my room since the majority of her things were in there. Can't someone knock?! Anyway, we get a letter in the mail that says that we have to move out by some date, and most of us move out that night. We spend the next 2-3 weeks basically homeless in my mind. I mean we had places we could crash at, but nothing of own. Then one Saturday night, my Moms has me to buy a Sunday paper. She wakes up Sunday morning and makes calls. She got to the, I believe it was the second call, and it was like everything fit together. Conversation. Price. Rooms. We ended up looking at the house that day and put money down on it I believe that same day. Anyway long story short, we got the house. And it seems to fit us. The plan is that this would be a transitional house for the next one. Meaning we don't plan on living here for the rest of our lives, which is another reason why it's not so important how the outside looks. We would stay here a good year, two at most, then move on to something better.

I thank God for this house. I can say that it is true. He never left us. He was with us always. He got us this house that we feel comfortable in. We feel at home. Oh and yes, there's a door to my room. Hehe.


May the Spirit of Christ dwell with this family and within this home, this house. May His Spirit provide us peace and love, not just to those who live here, but to those who walk through it's doors, those who look upon it, those who drive by it, those who walk by it. May the Spirit of Christ continue to strengthen and quicken our spiritual spirits allowing us to stand upright in the name of Jesus, so that no wrinkle may be found among us. Let all those who would judge us be chastised according to His judgment, but more importantly, as He sees fit, let them be given understanding. Let them be allowed to grow in Christ. Let them be able to see the good and positive, and not the bad and negative. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Moving 12-6-2011

It's been a crazy month, month and a half or so! Our house went into foreclosure, as many others around the nation, so we've had to move. But through this whole process I've been generally calm, generally.

It's hard moving. What made it even harder for others is that we had no idea where we would be moving to. o we were literally moving out, but didn't have anywhere to move to. We packed up our things and put them into storage, leaving them there until we would find someplace to go. So here's a few things I realized or understood during this transition.

If God takes care of His animals out in the wild, won't He take care of us?
Matthew 6:25-26
²⁵Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
 ²⁶Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they
My trust in God as to what would happen to us grew with this scripture. I knew not where we would go, or where we would live, but I knew that God would be with us always. He would not send us somewhere we couldn't handle, or somewhere we would be in danger. He would send us where we needed to be, whether it be for our sakes, or the sake of others watching on. And it would be good, and very good in His sight.

The other is more of a realization that I had. I'm blessed. I'm so blessed that I had more than I needed. In the process of gathering all of your belongings, you need to bag it or box it. It is then that you see how much of something you have. I filled a 13 gallon white trash bag with all shoes that I owned (other than the pair I was wearing), yet I only have one pair of feet. Obviously every pair has a purpose, but how often do I wear each pair? Did I necessarily NEED each pair? I had white socks galore, with a good and necessary reason, yet still I owned a lot of white socks. I owned a bunch of shirts, khakis, pants, ties, shorts and whatever else that I had not worn in a while. That's how blessed I was. I didn't even realize it. SO in going through all this, I decided I didn't need everything. So I went through it all and condensed my, I believe four bags of clothes to one. Everything in the one bag. The pairs of shoes I owned I condensed to maybe four pair.

We live our lives knowing that we are blessed, yet unable to see how we are sometimes. I'll admit it is hard to see the little things, but I guess as Christians, we have to train ourselves to see those little things.

So we did in fact move into a new house. I won't lie to you, it doesn't look all that great on the outside. But it does look better on the inside. This house is a blessing. I'll tell you why in the next post God willing.

May our Father in heaven continue to bless us as He sees fit, according to our sins and our goodness. May our outward showing and proclaiming as Christians be reflective of His genuine residence within us, and not just idle words and actions we say and do to fit in. May He strengthen us our spiritual minds, ever guided to Him and His ways so that one day we may hear "Well done my good and faithful servant".  In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Fasting 11.10.11

So I made a commitment. I'm going to go on another fast God willing. I had already decided to go on one, but I had never decided on a date. I've decided on December 1st. Namely because I'll be fasting for 100 days, it's a date I can start with, and it gives me a specific day to be prepared for. I call it Fasting and Fishing.
So why am I fasting?
The majority of my fasts from before included my Ex in some way, like being able to forgive her genuinely. I have to be selfish with this one however. I have to live for God with or without her. Even though shes still treating me like some stranger, even though she and her family refuse to allow me even phone contact with my son, I still have to live for God. I guess in a way I'm saying that I'm not going to let her hold me back. She still controls me even though she lives in Phoenix and hasn't spoken to me in a good year or so. I'm walking around all frustrated at her actions, at the actions of her parents who make themselves to be such good Christians, a role I believed in, and yet in doing so I'm leaving no room for God. This has to end. I need release. God had enough grace for me to wake me up, I think I need to serve Him and give Him thanks. So I need to get rid of more sins, learn about other sins I'm committing and don't yet realize I'm committing them. Most importantly, I need to be stronger spiritually.
Now I'm not broadcasting this as if to say "Look at me look at me!" as the Pharisees did, but more to recognize my faults and my goals. I can assure you that I am riddled with sinner holes, of which I hope to have filled by the time I get off my fast.
I intend on doing a Daniel fast, no meats, wheat, sweets, fried foods such as french fries or chicken. Strictly fruits and vegetables, juices, and water. I will only allow myself fish since I plan on fishing during the course of the fast, which I more than likely will have fried. I haven't decided on a 3 day water fast to begin it though. That in itself is rough! First day is cool, second day is rough, third day is a little better than rough.

My Father in heaven knows the love that I carry for my Ex. Some days it's like we never even went through the divorce. He knows the love I have for my son, I long to hear him say "Daddy".

I've done a 60 day fast before, the spiritual plateau you reach when on one is crazy. I think it's different for everyone, in what you receive. In fact the experience may differ with each individual fast for a person. But for me, the last time I went on a long one, it was.......out of sight. I dreamed. I saw things. I promise you that butterflies flocked to me just about everyday and fluttered around me and landed on me. I received visions about my wife (at least I think so), it was like I knew what she was going to do to me in the future. I knew some of what she was going through emotionally right then even though she's in Phoenix and won't talk to me. God answered prayers, I mean opened a door that I just knew in a natural sense was impossible. Oh yea, fasting is worth it.
Anyway, I'm all talked out. Y'all be good and be Christians.

Whats the best way to have a failed marriage? 11-4-11

So check this out. The thought came to me.  If you want to encourage a failed marriage, do this. Separate the Husband and the Wife. Plain and simple. It will work A LOT better and faster if you can get the wife alone and work on her emotions, but otherwise, get them separated. "Well why is that Deon?" I'm glad you asked! Gather 'round gather 'round my cheerin, 'n let ya Gran Pappy tell ya a  lil storeh.

There's a process to most relationships. There's a start, a middle, and an ending. In most cases, the start is the most fun. It's always fun finding someone and getting to know them. I mean you go out on dates and learn one another. You talk until 4am and in some cases quite literally through the whole night. You always have a lot of fun, you compromise the best during this time (strange since it seems so hard to compromise during marriage). You love this person, I mean yea you thought that he/she was attractive in some way, but now that you know more about them, they now stand out better than all the other guys/gals. So yea you're constantly thinking about them. Doing anything and everything just to be with them. I did it too. I wasn't immune. I still can't figure out how in the world I would drive 35-45 minutes away just to see her for a few hours. Then there's the one time I drove to D'ville, knowing that she was having a bad day at work, just to put a love letter in her windshield wiper and then leave so that it was waiting on her when she got out. And yes, that one made her day. The point is, that you're spending all this time with one another. You're taking the time to get to know one another. You're asking questions, what do you like/dislike, do you sing in the shower better or in your car and what do you use to sing with? A brush or cup or cell phone? You're bonding. You tell each other things you never told your own mother or family. This other person knows in some ways, more than anyone else. You're doing everything together. Spiritually speaking, you're one, not in a marriage kind of way but in a relationship kind of way. You establish trust in this person.

You give them you.

This is when you are pretty much inseparable. I mean if another person says anything about your woman/man, the beast from within you comes out, equipped with horns, a spiked tail, muscles galore, and a menacing voice. "What did you say about my woman/man?!" Truth be told, in some cases, if anyone said anything negative about them, you'd draw closer to them.

Marriage is the same. Least it should be anyway. In marriage you're supposed to do everything together. Talk with one another. Express yourself. Go to church together. Compromise. Communicate. Pray together. Spend time with one another. Fast together. Do anything and everything, but whatever you do, don't separate yourself from one another (with the exception of the few times when you need your space from one another)! You see marriage is set up by God. Therefore marriage is good and very good. And just like in the church, the man is the head. There's a reason for that. Men have a certain strength that a woman won't ever have. And likewise, there's a reason and dire need for the woman. She has a strength that men will never have. We have our roles, set by God.
So why do I say if you want the marriage to fail, pull away the wife? When a woman gets married, she becomes one with her husband. Whether or not anyone knows it or realizes it, her husband is her strength. She is strong through her husband, that is as long as she follows Christ (only real way) or has a really good understanding of relationships (second rate choice by large gap). If you separate her, you can work on her. Confuse her. Make her feel guilty, that she is at fault, that she can do better by herself.
On the other hand, a wife is the glue. I mean a good wife, who put's God first, her husband second, her kids third, and everyone else gets whatever, is the glue for her relationship with her husband. She possesses strength that men generally don't have, or not a lot of. Compassion. Faith (in God and your relationship). Ability to show love. Ability to express themselves. As a husband, we need you our wives. So if we don't have access to you because we work longer hours, or we take case of the kids so much that we stop taking care of us (husband and wife relationship), whatever the case may be, divorce is in the future. If we stop praying or have never prayed together, we don't fast together or read our bibles together, divorce is in the future. If we don't go out, if even to the park and walk and talk. Divorce will be an option.

One afternoon after our being separated, my Wife and I had just completed a day of shopping. Before we parted ways, sitting in the parking lot of the library, I told her. "You got to be strong. I am your husband. I am your strength. Now that I am gone, they will work on you. You have to be strong." Sure enough her parents worked on her hard, I think mostly her Mom. Yea she told me some of the things they'd say. Talking about me and my family. I'm pretty sure she heard it nonstop sometimes. I remember once she spoke to on the phone telling me why we couldn't be together and it was like I wasn't talking to her but her Mom. To this day It really seems as if she was reading something on a piece of paper. We officially divorced in 2010.
Do everything together. Never separate yourself from your wife or husband. Make decisions together. Love together. Pray fast read together. Grow and learn together. Compromise, communicate and express yourselves together. Otherwise divorce will be in the future.

Waking up in the morning thinking 11-4-11

Could we just be real with one another? I mean, can't we just talk? I'll lay it out on the line for you.

I'm a sinner.

Hehe I said it. I mean, I am a sinner. Even though I look up to and admire Paul of the bible, even though I've read the whole of the New Testament several times straight through, even though I may have a better understanding of what God wants with us as Christians......I keep on sinning. Therefore, I am a sinner. I am imperfect.
So I wondered this morning, "Why does He allow me to wake up every morning, knowing that I'm going to sin some more? Why won't He allow me to pass in my sleep? Why can't I just be rid of everything?" Don't misunderstand me, I'm not complaining at all. I thank Him for giving me the breath of life. I thank Him for waking me up and allowing me life, health, and strength. I thank Him for my problems, for my highs and my lows. I thank Him for forgiving me even when others won't forgive me. I thank Him for His mercy and for His grace. I thank Him that He seems (at least in my mind anyway) to have confidence in me to be a better Christian today than what I was yesterday. I thank Him for His patience, cause if it was me.....oh yea, I woulda killed myself off a long time ago. "Okay you're not doing what I told you, so you will have to suffer right now. Off with your head!" Thank God I'm not God!
When I asked myself the question, an answer popped into my head,................ and now for some reason I can't remember it even though it was so clear then. Something along the lines of me being needed or giving me a chance to do better.......actually I think it was something else. Put it like this. Purpose. And I don't mean like any of those monster mega churches that take all of your money and the preacher says with such enunciation and gusto "Gawwwwwd! Ahea! Has a PURPOSE for yeou!" No I mean like, God loves me, therefore He's patient with me. This is God. He knows that when He wakes me up that I'm going to sin. Just like He wakes up so many others that later on that day rape and murder some lady, or shoot some guy in the chest just cause he wears a certain color. So since He loves me and gives me enough grace to wake me up, maybe He's waking me up so that I can serve Him, which is to say dedicate my life to Him.

This Naturally Sucks -10.22.11 4:18pm

The hardest thing about living this married/single life is that..............it sucks. Hehehe. I'm just a guy that has always known that I'd be married. Id be married with a good wife that I'd love forever, I'd have the kids, the decent job, just....well that's how I've always pictured it anyway. I had that at least somewhat anyway. Then I go through a divorce, with no idea as to why we were going with a divorce, and I lose my wife and son. Fine. I recognize that "Hey, I'm still married", and decide to allow female friends with the understanding..........at least within my own mind, that it can't get serious. My problem is that, I've loved some of these women, I mean genuinely loved some of these women, but in the back of my head I know the truth, God still sees me as married. Some have been involved with dudes that were not the best for them, some have been with guys that didn't really understand how to interact with their woman, just in general their relationships never worked out. They encounter me and it's like their world goes from drab grays to sunshine and butterflies and gumdrops.

If I'm so great a guy why did my wife leave me? Could my wife not see what they see?

So some of these women basically fall in love with me, and I'd like to give it back, but I can't because in the back of my mind, I know what God sees me as, still married to my wife. This is not cool. I'm stuck. Sometimes I wonder why was I not involved with a church that taught the wrong thing when it comes to a marriage. Why can't I justify me being with another by the scriptures? Why do I care so much? Why do I know so much scripturally speaking when concerning marriage? I struggle with my natural man wanting and desiring whoever else, but I can't move forward because of my wife.......actually no. Spiritually speaking I know that I'm married, and it's because of my conviction, the teachings of the bible, that I won't marry again. My dedication to God is what refrains me from marrying again and sharing my being with another. I won't be able to give my all to anyone, regardless of how much I want to.

I think it's best for me to live a solitary life. Let go of my female friends, have male friends, but otherwise live singly. I know without a doubt that I am a man that wants a woman in my life. I need a woman to grow old with, to live life and suffer as you do within marriage, and find yourself married for 50 years and know that through it all, you had a good marriage. That's just me. But I have to live for God, and that means that I have to give up my wants, which is to say my life or rather my desires, for my life in heaven.

This is the hardest thing I've done. The divorce I went through unwillingly. I was separated from my wife unwillingly. This I'd have to do willingly.

Speaking as a natural man, this sucks. Spiritually speaking, I can't wait till it's all over and done with.

5:26 am- 10.19.11

This life down here on earth is so prominent. It's in your face like a pink elephant. The desires of this life, both mine and others who encounter me, are so..................engaging.
Here I sit at my computer, preparing myself for a trip to Tybee Island today with a friend from LA. I'm on vacation this week and I'm wanting to get out of the house and away from my family. I want to do something fun. Something spontaneous. I spent yesterday at a baseball game the district put on with another friend.
My mind is a tangled maze of thoughts right now.
I'm thinking of my Wife and her parents. Why would they not allow me access to my son? I'm not getting pictures. I'm not allowed to talk to him even though I call 2 times a week regularly. I've asked for skype access and I'm told that their computer doesn't work. I can't even call her directly in reference to my son, I have to go through her parents. Why? I lived with them for a year or two. I saw many things. I heard how they talked about people, about their own family, their cousins and sisters and brothers. I saw how they treated those who they suddenly disliked, and the reasons they justified in doing so. Yet I never thought that would happen to me. The Father of my son. What benefit is this apparent willingness to prevent me access to my son?
And why do I continue to hope for that one day where there is some sort of positive change. That maybe one day I'll be allowed to speak to my son. That I'll get a picture. That one day I'll get a chance to hear him say "Daddy". Why do I have to be the "better Christian" and endure and suffer these ways? Why can't I take her to court or snap at her for not allowing me my legal right? It's not fair.
Strangely enough, if she were to call me and say that she needed help, I'd help her. If she called me broken down on the road, trying to get to GA and needed a ride, I'd be there. If she called me and asked for forgiveness, I'd tell her that she already has been forgiven. My Mother-in-law always said that I have the gift of mercy.  I think she's right. However, I don't think so much of that anymore. Is that God working through me, providing me with traits that make me better?
My mind is a jumbled mess right now. I don't know what to think right now. I don't know what to do or how to handle them.

How well do we reflect Christ within us?

Sometimes it's those that "show" themselves as being Christians that we need not learn from. The "conversation of their lives" are such that they prove themselves, through actions, that they aren't quite where they need to be.  I won't say that they aren't Christians, but that they still have a lot of growing to do.

Time and time again I can't help but dissect the role/word Christian, which when broken down means Christ-like. So what are some of our Lords actions that we are to follow? What separated Him from any other entity or person? What makes His ways, that we follow as Christians, so much better? Why are His ways the Standard? I ask further, how well do we reflect Him within us?

If our Lord can forgive so very easily, why is it so easy for us to remember the hurts? If He can forgive our sins, which are sins to the death, why is it so hard to forgive others simple mistakes? If He was peaceful, why is it that we relish aggressive natures? If He suffered wrong, so many times and yet willingly, why do we choose to attack others when wronged, or when we feel we have been wronged? Why is it that He chose to remain quiet when other accused Him of wrongdoing, yet we turn and yell when treated the same? Why is it so hard for us to align our lives parallel to His, so that we no longer have to verbally cry out our faith (as if to prove something), but that our actions, or rather the conversation of our lives, speak for us?

Why is it so hard to give up those things on this earth for the sake of those things that we earn in heaven? There is nothing on this earth worth giving up my seat in heaven. I can only speak personally, but I can't let others who take away from me allow me to act in a way that is unchristian-like. I can't let what others say, get me so mad as to make me lose my seat. It's not what others do, yet how I react or rather, how I act that gains and retains my seat. Again, there is nothing on this earth worth losing my seat. Grudges from my separation and divorce will hinder me. Anger will hold me back. Leaning according to my own understanding will keep in second place. What others have done, what they still do, if I act unchristian-like, will allow another soul to warm my seat.

My wife had a favorite quote. "Actions speak louder than words". Normally she said that to me when I made her mad in some way, usually when I had promised something and never carried it through with my actions, but she was right nevertheless. Kinda sounds like some of us Christians right? We promise our lives to be better than the "sinners", yet we never carry it through with our actions. I thank God for my wife. She truly has been a blessing in my life, even now, more than she will ever know or understand. I promised my love to her July 1st, I never lied.

There is nothing on this earth worth giving up my seat.................and yet I know that because of this post, I will be tested.

I preached that Sunday

Well......in the dream I had this morning, and truthfully, I taught.
I saw my Uncle Nate who is our Head Pastor now. He called to me and said that he wanted me to preach. I get up but I'm thinking, "I'm not able to preach! I'm not qualified! I've not been fasting or praying or preparing for this. Nah I'm not preaching.........but then again, I don't mind teaching."
I get up to the podium and, resolved in teaching to the masses, I try to figure out what to teach. The only thing that I can quote scripture on is about marriage. Oh yea I've studied that, and how you have to stay married and that you really can't get a divorce but if you do you gottta stay single or be reconciled to your husband/wife (that's a lot to say in one sentence right?)
So I proceed to teach the people about marriage and divorce, which would also include relationships, and how to handle yourself when you are going through a divorce. But wait there's more!
The dream switches.
I see myself sitting on the right hand side of my son. He's close to me like he's leaning on me or maybe I'm kinda engulfing him protectively. My wife is with us, sitting on his left but kind of across from me. My son writes a list of words down and says each word. The words he repeats are a little bigger than a kid his age would know and understand. There was one really big word that starts with an "s" and he got it right. My wife is there as if she's supporting him in case he messes up a word. I'm testing him, picking a word here and there. He gets them all right.
Thoughts.
2 thoughts on the preaching. First- I REALLY don't believe that I'm supposed to become a preacher.....period, end of story, plain and simple. But I wonder if it means that I need to have a greater impact within the church. I'm involved yes, but maybe I'm to do more, you know? I can say that I would LOVE to go around teaching about marriage and divorce and God's standard on the topic. But only if that's what He desires of me. Until then, I won't. So many Christians can't see how far they need to go. There's so much information that they aren't getting, so much they need to know. There are plenty who think they are doing everything they can, yet don't realize that they are falling short. I wish I could help. 2nd thought is that I had spent some time yesterday with a friend that I had to cut off a while back. I had fallen in love with her, and never saw it. Some may say, "Well if you loved her, and she loved you, why cut her off?" Because according to God, I'm still  married to my wife. The love that I had for my friend should have been for my wife. In essence, I was cheating on my wife emotionally. So I cut off my friend. That was last year around July. So I meet her yesterday after she comes back into town for a test, and I explain to her why I had to, and we talk about the spiritual aspect of me cutting her off. We talk about the spiritual aspect of me enduring my wife's continual refusal to let me interact with my son. It was just a good 30 minutes or so at least of me explaining God's standards. So my dream may have been in reference to my teaching this friend about God's standard.
As for my son, I took it as it's time to send my son letters. I used to do so but my wife told me to stop until she tells me he can read......which was true.  So I stopped. He's three now, going on four. I know that he's pretty smart. I figure that hes ready for a letter from Dad, especially one that doesn't have a bunch of detail. The coolest part about that portion of the dream is that in my separation and divorce, anytime I dreamed any dream, it was always about my wife. This is the first time, maybe second time, I've dreamed about my son so clearly. What was also cool too is that as we sat together, me, my wife and our son, there was no arguing. Just respect and acceptance. We treated each other like Christians.
So I guess that's it then.

WHY ME?! Part 2

I used to ask that question all the time, especially during my separation and divorce. In all honesty, I still ask the question sometimes still, yet I have a better understanding of the spiritual aspect. Why do I talk about my divorce all the time? I've never had to deal with drugs or with alcohol. I can't speak on that. I've never had to leave home because of some fight with my parents (at least with my immediate family). I've never had to be involved with the court system in any way negative. I've never put my hands on my wife or my son. In general, according to man, I've lived a pretty decent and clean life. The only thing major that I can hopefully speak on spiritually was my divorce, and all of the emotions that went along with it.

I gotta say, if it weren't for God, I'd be in a really bad place still. I lost......... my whole family. People who said that they would NEVER leave me, that they would love me, and I believed them,  ESPECIALLY my Wife who looked me in the eyes so deep that early evening at Stone Mountain Park and said "I'm never going to leave you". My Wife (who took my son). My Father. My Mother. My Brother. My Sister. All In-Laws, all gone, but my family regardless. I lost them all in one vicious swoop of a divorce decree. The coolest thing about God, for me anyway, is that He was there when they left me. I learned then that you can't trust man's promises. He was there when they dropped me like a stranger. He answered me when no one else would. What's even cooler than that, is that during my interaction with my family, I did some things that I should not have done. I stopped having a relationship with Him. I basically stopped praying, stopped reading my bible, I stopped being dedicated to Him. I never really knew how to fast so I never fasted back then. These are things I did, I blame no one else. So the tears can't help but to fall when I think about the fact that it was Him who came to me when I called, when I suffered so much by the tactics my Wife initiated. He answered me as if I had never left Him. When they lied, He was there when I called on Him for peace, and I tell you truthfully within about 5 minutes I had that peace, as if it never happened. I called on Him to figure out how to handle the Ford, having no idea what to do, and He told me just what to do. He guided me when I started bringing an escort with me to help watch my son when I did see him. I can go on with all the things that I had to endure. So many things that were done were just so hurtful, so.... it seemed, spiteful without any reason. I had no experience in dealing with people like that. I used to say "But they are supposed to be Christians. Why would they do this to me?"

Oh yea, I've  had plenty of times to say, and I made sure I took the opportunity to say, "WHY ME?!"  I had no training in how to be divorced. I only have experiences of how to be married, having at least 6 marriages to pull from, with the youngest marriage now being a few years old. Thank God He pulled me through. Out of my whole family, which includes 12 kids (from my grandparents), about 22 grandkids, and about 6 great grand kids, I am one of the only two that has gone through a divorce. Strangely enough, both of us were married to women who were not in the church (I speak in terms of a home church that was visited every week).

So what do I do now? I pray that God deals with them as He sees fit. I ask that He blesses them as He sees fit. I don't ever tell Him to send down His wrath upon their heads, who am I to request that? I just pray that He allows them to see the error of their ways. I'm WAY more forgiving now than I was say 2 years ago, giving way to peace, yet hoping for next time. No my circumstances haven't changed, yet I'm more forgiving, loving, at peace, and strengthened spiritually than I was before.

I can't do anything but say Thank You Jesus!

WHY ME?! Part 1

Thats the question that so many of us have asked of ourselves and sometimes of God.
"Why me?"
We ask when things seem to be going every which a way but ours.
"Why me?"
We ask when it seems like the things that we go through are too hard.
"Why me?"
We ask when we have not been trained how to handle the things we go through.


Yet, how bout asking "Why not me?"

Because God saw fit that you could endure what was put on your plate.
"Why not me?"
If God, who made you and knows you better than your own mother or best friend, has faith in you that you would succeed in your trials, why tell Him that He was wrong?
"Why not me?"
Be proud that He finds you worthy to go through, that He finds you to have the strength needed to accomplish the test.
"Why not me?"
You're not living this Christian life for yourself, you're living it for God. So that He gets the glory, so that someone can say "Thank you Jesus", "He's worthy". So that you can say "Look at what God did for me!"
 It's simple really. You become prideful, and thankful of enduring trials, spiritual trials, and you can handle them better because you know who the Comforter is. You've got someone you can talk to, and He'll talk back to you. He'll give you peace when the perfect storm of negative events swirl around you. You start to look at life in a more positive aspect rather than seeing the negative. You start to live in a good place, and it's all mental. Your circumstances haven't changed, it's the way you now view life.

What Happened?

I was laying awake in my bed a few minutes ago this morning thinking about the first 7 months of my marriage and how it differed from the rest of my marriage. It was better than the rest which caused me to ask myself, why? What was I doing then that I wasn't doing the rest of the marriage? I was praying. I wanted to make sure that we stayed married, that we were able to work through things. I wanted to grow old together and really know my wife, so I prayed many a night, at least from what I can remember. I remember thinking that if we weren't praying together, I should at least be praying. I never realized how right I was.
Before I met my wife, I was........not as spiritually understanding as I am now. Meaning that I really wasn't reading my bible as often as I should. I was working all the time so I very rarely went to church, and when I did have a Sunday off, though I can't remember having one off, I never went to church. But I had grown up with the teachings from when I did go to church. I was taught of God, Jesus, faith, prayer, etc.....I had a basic, if anything, understanding of what a Christian should be, how they should act, and what they should do. I had went through experiences that caused me to be a real believer in faith and prayer. Man I had some STRONG faith! It didn't matter what happened in life, if I prayed and gave it to God, that was it. I never worried no more about whatever was going on.
Then I met my wife, and her family. I was enthralled at how spiritually bonded my Father-in-law and Mother-in-law were. I mean they would get up on Sundays and read "The Daily Word" together and discuss it. I remember thinking that's how I wanted my marriage to be. In the process of being involved in my wife's family, I spent a lot of time away from my own. I forgot my spiritual upbringing and went slack. After marriage, we spent the majority of our time involved with her family, only going to church a total of 3 times. Twice at my own and once at some church her parents wanted to go to. I continued to go slack in my spiritual self.

I don't blame her and her family for my downfall. I blame myself. I had it right and I let it go. This has nothing to do with them, yet everything to do with me. This is a reflection of my actions.

The first 7 months of my marriage was the best, not so much because we were still living in the honeymoon phase, but because, I believe, of my prayers. She never knew it, but there were plenty of nights when I would come home from work and strip my clothes off, get in the bed and wrap my arms around her as any loving husband would do. As she slept, as I listened to the steady rhythm of her breathing, feeling the her stomach move up and down under my hands, I was praying for the both of us. Praying for our marriage.Praying for our relationship. And it worked! Prayer was the reason why for 6 months or so we never used protection and she never got pregnant. It was also because of prayer that our son was conceived in his mother's womb no more than a good week and a half later. Prayer was the reason why I met my wife to begin with , getting down on my knees in honesty, and seeing her the next day. Love at first sight I tell you. I KNEW she was mine. It took years, but it didn't matter, I was confident that she was mine. Thank you Jesus.

Our downfall I'll contribute to me not praying anymore. In the first few months, I used to wish that she would pray with me. But I was too.......scared, hesitant, unsure of what her response would be, so I never brought it up. That was the Enemy working in my mind. The strength that our marriage would have had if we prayed together! The bond! One spouse praying is good, but if both are in the same accord praying for the same thing in unity..........how do you defeat that?

I won't say that she wasn't praying. Maybe she was, I just never knew myself. For all I know, she could have been thinking the same thing, that she wanted to pray together, but was unsure of what my response would be.

I'm a praying man now. I have long conversations with God. Sometimes I'll get restless and drive to Florida, South Carolina, Alabama or what have you and pray the whole time. My faith isn't as strong as when she first knew me back in say 2002 or so, and I attribute that to all the things I had to endure during the divorce. So messy. So not necessary. Then again, it should be because of those reasons that my faith should be stronger. I continue to pray that God blesses her and her family as He sees fit. That He has mercy on them, and quickens their spirit. I thank God for my wife, my In laws, my brother and sister. I pray that He continues to bless me as He sees fit, has mercy on me, and quickens my spirit as well.

So what would I require if she were to come back? Now that is another post for another day, I need to get ready for work.
Let the Spirit of Christ dwell within all who read these postings as well as the writer. That our spirit be overcome with peace, love, and joy towards one another, even those who we feel may have done us wrong. Let the Spirit of forgiveness drown our spiritual being, that what was done in the past be forgotten and stays in the past, much like God has promised to us, forgiving our sins and throwing them into the lake to be remembered no more.

Fasting - Part 2

So what did I fast for? My wife had divorced me, which was final April 1st, 2010. She did a real number on me. Things I never knew she was capable of were done to me. I surely did question her Christianity, as well as her parents. I got accused of things that I never did, my son was being withheld from me, to this day I still don't know/understand why she divorced me. I don't have a reason, at least one that's specific. So my fast, in general was for myself, which kind of included her. I needed to forgive her, especially since her antics continued. I needed to be at peace. I needed to be able to grow in Christ. I needed to get rid of some of my known sins, and learn about the sins I never knew existed within me.
So did it work? Oh yes, but not how I expected it. I was able to forgive her, but I also dreamed about her, at one point 3 nights straight. It was like I couldn't be rid of her even when I tried. I also did grow in God, I read the New Testament from Matthew to Revelations about 3 times straight through and continue to read my bible more than I did before the fast. I learned things I never knew existed. My faith in God grew substantially. The peace I needed grew substantially. I was able to deal with her antics better. I learned about some of my sins I never knew I was  doing. I was able to pray for her and her family. I just became a better spiritual man. Later on in the year, God made me do something I refused to do after my Moms ask me  (repeatedly mind you) after I had taken it off for about a good year, year and a half or so. I put my wedding ring back on. I won't lie either, I argued with God. I literally raised my voice and argued with Him.

-"You need to wear your ring".
-" No, NO! Why should I wear my ring?! SHE *pause* LEFT *pause* ME! It doesn't matter. She's not going to see it anyway! What benefit is it to her anyway?!"
-"It's not for her benefit, it's for yours".

You know that look when someone is so mad that they get quiet, roll their eyes and walk away? That was me. I didn't put it on. I got up the next morning, checked out of the hotel, got back in my car and He says, "You may as well go ahead and put your ring back on". I breathed hard through my nose, and did as He told me to. Now I can't take the ring off. I sleep with it. It stays on my finger 24/7 with the exception of bathing or washing my hair or using lotion or something. I can't take it off. In some ways, I'm not allowed to. Thank you Jesus.

In Pastor Franklin's book, he speaks on the benefits of fasting. Such as monetary, health, financial, spiritual, etc. Those are things I call side effects of doing what you are supposed to do. Your "reasonable service" if you will. But those are not reasons to do a fast, it's about your relationship with God, improving it, being a better Christian today than you were yesterday, and a better one tomorrow than you were today. A fast is well worth it.

So what about this year? She's still acting up. Won't let me come visit to see my son. Won't let me talk with him on the phone (although I don't have her cell number, I have to go through her Moms cell to try and talk with him, so the Moms may very well be preventing me from talking with him). She won't respond to my emails about him. I have no contact with him and have only chatted with him this year 4 times. Yet I still dream dreams about her. At one point waking up out of sleep in the Spirit praying for her and her family, then falling back asleep as soon as I had woke up. I see things in my dreams. So I'm constantly praying for her and her family. Praying for my son. I've learned to forgive her EVERY time I call for my son, knowing I won't talk with him. I have to. What did Peter ask, "How many times should we forgive someone? 7 times 7?" What was the reply? "70 times 7?" (paraphrasing). I'm able to rejoice in my suffering. Oh and yes, I'm on an indefinite fast, or until I have need to change.

God has been just SO GOOD to me during my separation/divorce and afterwards. I just can't tell all of how He's been so good, there's just too many for my little mind to repeat. But I thank Him and that He put His loving arms around me. That He nurtured me when others who said they loved me left me. I lost my whole family-my father, mother, brother, sister, wife and son in one quick swoop.  And yet He was there when I needed Him, EVEN though I had left Him by lowering my standards spiritually. I only hope that I continue to do my best in this life so that I can make it in. That I continue to learn, that I continue to raise my standards spiritually. That I continue to understand that it matters not what happens down here on earth, what people do to you, it matter to God how you handle it. Praises be to His name.

Let the Spirit of Christ continue to dwell within us all. That He convicts us to be more forgiving, compassionate, trustworthy, and loving. I pray that He continues to have mercy on my wife and bless her as He sees fit. That He continues to watch over her family and that His will be done in all things, as He sees fit. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Fasting- Part 1

So what is one thing that most Christians seem to want to do at the beginning of the year and never again until next year? Fasting. What's one thing that should be part of EVERY Christians walk? Fasting. What's one thing that can help get rid of some of the issues that you go through. Fasting. What's one way that any Christian can develop a deeper relationship with God? Fasting. Do you need an answer to a serious question and want to solve it right? Go on a fast.
One of the most important aspects of a Christian life is to go on a fast. However most Christians are numb to the ieda because they aren't taught to go on one, or they aren't taught how to correctly perform one. There really is so much information in regards to a fast, especially in doing it right that I won't go into ALL the details, however I will speak on what I know, and a little bit of what I have experienced.
So what exactly is a fast? Ina nutshell it is denying the body/flesh what it wants through food, movies, games, or any other things that it finds pleasurable and giving yourself wholeheartedly to reading your bible, praying, and meditating on God. You perform a fast for a set amount of time, which is usually dictated by your ability. In looking at the bible, you see certain numbers that seem to pop up throughout the bible, 3, 7, 21, 30, and 40. So, at least in my church, we try to follow by one of those number, but again, it is dictated by your ability.
There are so many variations and combinations to a fast, for instance, you could do a 3 day water fast which is just what it means, nothing but water for 3 days (understand that this is a strenuous task on your body and you should seek medical advice before attempting this one). You could do a Daniel fast which is nothing but fruits and veggies and juices for 3 weeks (21 days). You could do a Daniel fast, but perform it for 40 days. Or you could do a fast for say 6 months and do the Daniel fast but after a certain time in the afternoon, allow yourself certain foods. The possibilities are endless. Regardless of what fast you do, drink plenty of water!

So here's what I've done in the past. I read a book on fasting by a pastor by the name of Jentezen Franklin. Very good read! Not a long book, easy to read in about a week or so. I THOROUGHLY suggest reading his books for more information. You WILL learn something. After reading his book I immediately went on a 3 day water fast (I did not consult a physician of some sort, I just had that much faith that I'd be fine). After the 3 day water, I did a Daniel fast for 37 days, making it 40 days. At the end of the 40, I didn't feel as if I had completed my end of the bargain, so I went on for another 20 days, making it a total of 60 days of nothing but water, fruits, vegetables, juices, nuts, no wheat, no sweets, and no meats. The first 3 days were rough, I think mostly in part to the fact that I didn't prepare for it, I just did it. The 2nd day was the worst, and the 3rd day was better. At the end of the 3rd day, that small salad tasted SO GOOOOOD!! I never knew greenery could taste that good! Anyway, I did my Daniel fast for the next 57 days. It wasn't so bad, it's just changing your eating habits. You get used to it. My only regret is that I didn't go for a full 100 days. I was already on it, already did 60 days, another 40 would not have hurt me. Understand that you will lose weight in doing a fast, especially a long one. I myself am not all that big, most times I weigh in at about 125, but I still lost weight-weight I never knew I had!

Go to the next blog for the remainder of this post!

Dream - Wife wants forgiveness

This was crazy too. Had it in 2010, I believe during my 60 day fast. I may have to talk about fasts soon. Those things can.....do things to you in your life. All good though.

I was invited out to my In-laws house in D'ville. Some sort of party/get-together. I drove up in my Saturn (I MISS that car, but I no longer had it during the dream so I don't know why I was driving it) and had bags of groceries/snacks and what not in the back seat. I parked on the street as I normally did and my wife came out and walked down the driveway to meet me. I was in the backseat sitting down trying to get a hold to some of the bags that had fallen to the floor and under the passenger seat. Both hands were full but I was still leaning over with my right hand trying to get this one stubborn bag. She's trying to talk to me, being on my left outside the open car door. I hear her, but kind of blow it off. It was something like, "I'm sorry for everything I did", and like I said, I blew it off not believing her, or being distrustful of her words. So I'm still fiddling with the bags and she seeing I wasn't paying her any attention got in the car with me, straddled me, held down both of my arms with her knees, held my face in her hand so I couldn't look anywhere else except her face, and I'm trying to get free but I can't. And said yet again "I'm sorry for what I did to you." I can't remember if there was some tears by her or me, but I believe I did smile, now understanding that she was serious. After that moment of forgiveness I finally got the bag out. We both walked in to their house and I immediately got on my knees, seeing my son in the kitchen with Gramma. I figured that I'd crawl to him growling , knowing that's one of the things I did with him. My Mother-in-law is running around trying to get things in order and prepared. He's following her getting in her way, but trying to help. That's MY boy! I see my Father-in-law in the living room. He sees me and smiles, I nod to him, not wanting to give away my position to my son, wanting it to be a surprise. I continue to crawl towards my son................... and I think I wake up, but then again, I may have addressed my Mother-in-law as well.

In the other dream I posted, I had a problem believing my wife when she apologized, thinking that's what she's saying, but what's really going to happen? During this divorce, after it as well, she's done some things that have caused me to not trust her. Things I could not have thought up. So I've been trained, by her, through the separation/divorce, to not trust her, even if she apologizes. I think I need to work on that. With me crawling inside of their house, I kind of believe that's a sign of respect towards my Father-in-law more specifically, and somewhat towards my Mother-in-law as well. Just like a peasant would a king, bowing or taking a knee, I believe my crawling was that symbol of respect and honor towards his house, towards him. I say not as much towards her since I never really saw her much. It was him that I had direct eye contact with. I think it also has to do with the fact that my Mother-in-law and I have never really had any issues towards each other. We never really bumped heads. Yet I definitely had with  my Father-in-law. At one time pointing at him when I felt he lied in front of my wife and I ( I have a habit of talking with my hands, so when I pointed, my action wasn't to be disrespectful, but to signify specifically that it was none other but him who said whatever, in the end, it was disrespectful and I hope my Father in heaven can and has forgiven me as well as my Father-in-law.) So, yea that's yet another dream.

Desert Wasteland (centers around my wife and I)

So back in 2003-2004 or so, I had a dream about my wife and I. We were only bf/gf at the time if even that. I only just had the dream discerned I believe last year, or early this year. I never told anyone, even my wife who was my gf at the time, until I had it discerned. Crazy thing is that a few weeks ago, I had, at least I think I did, a revelation which I intend to explain after the meaning. It was one of my Uncles, who was in the Spirit at the time, that translated it for me. So here we go.



It starts off in a desert wasteland. Its like an apocalypse. Dust blowing everywhere. No good thing growing. Trees are rare. I see mountains in the background. It's hot, the sun is out. Just a desert-like area after a nuclear bomb had gone off. It's almost as if I was in the sky because I see my wife below and I drop out of the sky to meet her face to face. She's crying. So sorrowful. She's hurt, emotionally. I'm somewhat distrustful of her. I'm not mad at her, it's just for some reason I don't trust her fully. I realize that in the background there's disasters coming for us. There's no where to hide. There's tornadoes, fireballs from the sky, tsunamis, and sand storms. All are converging on us. I look back on my wife and she says "I'm sorry for everything I did to you". As soon as she said that, my heart softened knowing that she was serious and for real, especially when I know that she has a problem with apologizing (at least she did back then, not sure about now). It was like we knew this was the end of the world and we had to forgive one another before we died. I held her and whispered to her, "I never stopped loving you." I may have said also, "I never left you to begin with", but I'm not entirely sure. I can't remember. As soon as we had forgiven one another and held and kissed one another in love, genuine love, I knew that she was mine forever. Then the 4 disasters swallowed us up as we held one another. We get hit with the tornado, sand storm, fireballs, and tsunami all at once. They were powerful too. To endure one disaster is one thing, to go through 4 at once, you can't live after that. We died together in each others arms. Then I woke up. At the time I wondered why would she have to apologize to me. I said to myself, there is nothing that she can do to me or against me that I won't forgive. I was confused at the time. I never told her, never told anyone till late '10 early '11. Thank you Jesus.

So here's the translation. The desert and the dust blowing around, the apocalypse, all that is in reference to my marriage (which is to say how my marriage was during the separation/divorce). My marriage, rather specifically the divorce, was the desert, the aftermath of a nuclear bomb. It was where no good thing could grow. The 4 disasters are God. It's going to take God to save our marriage, or rather, for us to forgive one another and come back together. Yet come back together in genuine love for one another. So God comes down to swallow us up, essentially he surrounds us. He gets in between us, gets all through us, surrounds us, just saturates us with His presence. Then we die together in one another's arms, which is to say that we die in God. God takes over in our lives so that we can be together.
So that's the general translation, so what about the possible revelation?

I was taking my little sister to work one morning, I think I was on my fast then, and after I dropped her off a thought hit me. You see I have Yahoo set as my homepage. So whenever I jump on the computer, there's Yahoo and they display whatever is going on in the country/world. So a couple times I logged on and saw a few things that Arizona was going through, natural disasters. At one point I saw fires to the east of Phoenix, at another time I saw, if I remember right, flooding/mudslides (not entirely sure bout that one), and I've also seen a major dust storm, one that swallowed the city. So a few weeks/months later after seeing these things randomly, I had this revelation. What if the dream was both spiritual and natural? Spiritual in that it shows what has to happen for us to be back together (in regards to God taking over), natural in that it's a timeline that has to be followed. For instance, she lives in Arizona now. It's a desert. It has mountains in it's backdrop. The 4 disasters were the tornado, tsunami, sand storm, and fireballs. There's a possibility that the fireballs were the fires to the east of Phoenix, the tsunami was the rain/mudslides (I'm still not sure if they had the rain/mudslides though), they just had a major sand storm recently. All that is left is the tornado, or a reference to one. Could that be the last disaster (or some reference to it) that has to happen before she comes back to me? It really shook me up that I had to come home and tell someone.

I don't know much of anything, but I do know that it was translated in the Spirit. I try not to dwell on the dream, just continue to pray for her safety, that she has a strong foundation in the Lord, her spirit be quickened by His, that her faith in God be strong. I pray for her forgiveness and mercy, and that she have confidence in herself. That she recognize her role as a mother and let no one take that from her, that her word is final in the upbringing of our son (as long as she's over there/until we get back together). I just pray that she train up our son the the righteous way, so that he too can make it into heaven. I pray that God touch her and deal with her as He sees fit, only His way is righteous.

I still pray for my wife.

The Dream- Sins Away

I had a dream late last year. I can't remember if it was during my 60 day fast. I wanna say it wasn't. Took a while to figure out, but I got it! Check it out,
I was in my backyard cutting down some trees. These trees were TALL!! I mean they were like some of the, I believe those are redwoods that grow so big a car can drive through them? Anyway, these trees were tall. I walked up to one and just looked up. It was amazing. So I'm cutting up these trees and I'm making a mess of slices of these trees. A few roll down the yard to the fence in the back. I called a guy that agreed to take the pieces of the trees away. He wasn't able to come out so he sent his son (he was sick or had other plans or something). So the son comes out and drives to my backyard and he's in a Mans-truck with a trailer on the back. White truck with a diesel engine, like a F-450 or something. Essentially he collects all of the pieces of tree that I had and takes it away. So whats the meaning?
I called the Father (God) and He sent His Son (Jesus). His Son came in a white truck (white normally means purity or friendship) and took all of the pieces of tree with Him (my sins).
That was the coolest thing to see! Based on the size of the trees, there's a lot of sins/faults that were taken away!

Fleshly Filter

So in my profile I've stated that I don't listen to anything but Christian music as well as Gospel, more specifically gospel from the '50s -'80s and some '90s. Why is that? You have to watch what you take in. It's similar to what you eat. You eat nothing but snacks and fast food, you get unhealthy and in some cases  you die. But if you eat healthy food you remain healthy and live. So how does that run parallel to what I listen to?
Living a life of Christianity, we have to be constantly mindful of what our senses receive. More specifically hearing and seeing. A Christian is a spiritual  being. But your flesh is going to want to do things that are contradictory to your Spirit. Lemme simplify it like this. How is listening to R&B or Hip Hop or Rap going to edify your Spiritual being? Lemme go further. On that one R&B track when he/she sings about making love to another, they aren't married are they? When you think about it, do songs that aren't Gospel (old)/Christian kind of encourage feelings, acts, standards that go against Gods standards? There's songs about leaving a bf/gf. Songs about cheating and as if it's ok, songs about drinking and smoking, hot women, etc..... I guess what I'm saying is, for anyone whose trying to make it into heaven, how do these songs encourage you to live for God better? I think it encourages you to live according to the world better. I also think that it clouds your view of what your role as a Christian is, being that its mixed with the Spiritual and natural.
So I got rid of all of my cd's, even my Joss Stone which I had JUST BOUGHT and got in the mail and DIDN'T have a chance to listen to! I stopped singing secular songs, which was hard because I MISS my Eric Benet Hurricane! But I'm glad I did it though. I think I've become a better Christian since my mind isn't blurred with secular thoughts. But that also means I have to check what I watch on TV/ at the movies, the games I play on my PS3, play them rarely or not at all. I really can't hang around people that cuss all the time and are disrespectful towards others. I get rid of all that, those people and I can live better for Christ. And more importantly, God can use me better. He can use me more for His glory and benefit.

The things we take in show in our actions. Our thoughts, beliefs, standards can in some way be linked to the movies, games, people we associate with, and songs we listen to. The key is to be able to surround yourself with things that will support you in Christ.

Real love- Romans 13:10

So I was reading my bible today and stumbled upon this little nugget of information.
"Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law."
So many Christians forget that. They claim to be Christ-like, yet with their actions do the opposite. When I read it, I immediately thought of my wife. You see I haven't talked with my son in some months now. To be precise, I've only chatted with him 4 times this year. In general, I call her (or rather her Moms cell) two times a week, trying to retain some sort of a bond with my son. And yet I'm not allowed to chat with him. My own flesh and blood. I email her about me visiting him, and I get no response. I ask for pictures, and yet again I get no response. And yes I do pay my child support, and on time in general. Yet I don't get mad, I keep hoping for the future. I'm more let down. Even though I'm being treated wrong (in my eyes), I won't call her up every few minutes. I don't talk bad about her. I just let her continue to do me wrong. I pray for her, I ask that God forgives her, that He allows me to forgive her as well. That He continues to give me strength to do what I'm supposed to do. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm continuing to show her love and compassion and forgiveness.I haven't just blasted her or snapped. I let God deal with that, He deals with the heart. He changes people from the inside out. The coolest thing about trying to live for God, is that you develop a will to live right, certain things don't bother you as it would have in your previous life. You do in fact show love as you need to, and you do it willingly. I show love to her even when she does me wrong (or so it seems that she's doing me wrong). Besides, every time she does me wrong and I treat her right regardless is another step towards me making it into heaven right? Course.............. it would also mean her taking another step towards making it into hell though. :(

Explain yourself please

So I've only written one post so far, and I'm quite sure that with what is described in that as well as what you would find in my profile, you'd have some questions. Like why do I say that I'm still married to a woman who divorced me?
Well in a nutshell, God said it. But to be more descriptive...........how do I explain this? Maybe I should explain the bible first? I think I will.
Ok so you have the Old Testament and the New Testament. The Old Testament is filled with stories and rules that earlier Christians had to go by. In order to live right, you had to abide by those rules. Do what God commanded. Then Jesus comes on the scene and changes everything. His teachings are the foundation that current Christians are to live by. The rules of the old are nonexistent to us now, because we have His new rules. So His teachings are the basis of, and start off, the New Testament.

SN: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, the first books of the New, recount the same story but from what they saw, which is why some things in one book aren't in another, or two books may say the same thing but not in another, or something is explained in more detail than in another book. It was the perspective they saw. Sorta like 2 people looking at an object, you can only see whats in front of you, you can't see whats behind it, but the other can see what's behind it. Another note, the bible is separated into chapters and verses. The Apostals wrote to churches in letters, just one  long letter essentially. But as the bible began to be mass produced, a way of making sure everyone was on the same page was needed, so that's why the bible is divided into chapters and verses. Which is also why sometimes you read a chapter and it kind of seems like the next chapter belongs with the previous. Ok I'm done!

So in regards to marriage we have to look at the New Testament and ask what is commanded of us about marriage. So where do we turn to? The foundation, Jesus. Matthew 19 and special attention to verses 1-12. I am still married to my wife because of what is in verse number 6. "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.". So we know that marriage is a concept developed by God. Therefore, to be married and remain married is a Godly action. So who are we, as man, who were made by God, are to tell God that it's okay to be divorced just cause we want to be? Who are we to state what the requirements are for being married? Who are we to say that the divorce down here on earth is better than the laws sent from heaven? That's being ignorant. So then the Pharisees ask, "Well why did Moses allow us to get a divorce then?", and Jesus replies in verse 8, "He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.". Moses didn't want divorce, but the people of that time kept pestering him for the law. So he allowed it. But as the scripture states, "but from the beginning it was not so", that wasn't what the spiritual law was from the beginning. Once you got married, you were married. That's the law that God recognizes.
So then we goa  little further and read in verse 9, "And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." So here's what happens when we stray away according to our own natural understanding. We get a divorce, to go date/marry someone else, in His eyes since we are still married, we are commiting adultery.And we will be punished as such. Now it reads, as if it was the man divorcing the woman, but it also recognizes the woman too. She is in danger of sin if she divorces her husband.Now this also is supported by Mark 10:11, Luke 16:18, and by 1 Corinthians 7:10.
Now we also can shoot over to 1 Corinthians 7 chapter. Good chapter to read about marriage. 10th verse is POWERFUL! Paul says, I command, yet not I, "but the Lord". What's he saying? God is speaking through him and telling us, "Let not the wife depart from her husband". Now if you mess around and do the opposite, go to the next verse, 11. "But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife." Plain and simple, she should not put herself in the position to get married again.And if she should want another relationship, she HAS to go back to her husband, and "reconcile" Reconcile: to bring into agreement or harmony. Essentially to fix, to work on the relationship. The verse also says "let not the husband put away his wife." These are commandments from God. Can't argue with that! This is scripture. Not what I would have chosen for myself, but its the rule I have to follow, yet I do it willingly.
Now there are other scriptures that apply to the husband, and some to the wife. But I have to ask myself, how does it relate to me considering that I'm divorced from her?
I stay single. I can't go out on dates, I can't have sex, I can't be involved with a female on that level. I become married to Christ. So spiritually, I'm following the supreme rules, my life is in God, but naturally, I'm just a single man with no real life with anyone.
This is a hard life to live, and it's not for everyone. However, if you're really following God, it becomes easier to do. It becomes something you're willing to do, joyfully. You do it joyfully because you understand that you're living for your treasure above, not for the things of this earth.
The Spirit of Christ dwell within you all at all times. Let Him guide you in all things. Don't  justify your sinful actions. Let His peace, compassion, and strength abound in you as you live your lives and be the standard of how you treat others, especially  those who you feel have hurt you.

Lets get started

So I guess maybe I should introduce myself  for the first post. I don't quite know where to start however. My name is Deon, Cornelius Fortson really. Early 30's, black and slim. I work full time at a job I hate, and "work" part-time at a job I really do love. Love fishing, eating, grilling, PS3-ing, Hehe. This is a spiritual blog so I will speak as if everyone has the basis of Christ's teachings. I say that to say this,  I am married to my wife "T", and have been since July 1st, 2006. LOVE her! We have no arguments, just intense moments of bonding, which sometimes last months. Hehe. It is hard work. Marriage is real. Marriage is FOREVER in the eyes of God. We have one son together. I could not have found a better woman to have a child by or be married to, and I thank God that He gave her to me!  Between me and her, our son has a GREAT set of parents and will be, God willing, well rounded in life. I love him! He's a trip. I see both myself and my wife in him, both physically and in his personality.

In the natural prism, I've been divorced from my wife since April fools day of 2010. The relationship is essentially nonexistent, yet not of my own doing. The divorce was uglier than a homemade cookie made by a 4 year old! Thanks be to God that despite what they put me through, the lies they told, how I was treated, I wasn't as bad off as I could have been. I thank God that He brought me back. I thank God that I went through it, that I still have to deal with it, deal with the things they still do. Yet I do it joyfully!