I'm in trouble.
After some misunderstandings, some small arguments, and four years, I finally got a chance to see my son! AWESOME!!! He looks great. He looks awesome. He's got a gold medal in baseball. He's participating in some sort of a sports activity that allows him to play I believe 9 different sports. That's great. He got a ton of birthday gifts. Great. He says I look different, which is especially great since he hasn't seen me in 4 years! Which in my mind says that he hasn't forgotten about me! AWESOME!! He saw the baby bed in the background so I explained to him that was his baby brother. Tara wouldn't allow him to see him, but he was able to see photos that I put up to the screen (I'll explain later), to which he exclaimed "He looks just like me!!!!" Then later he says excitedly to Tara hiding off to the side "I have a little brother!!!" I have to say that we had a GREAT conversation. It just flowed naturally. It was as if we had never been apart. I did act a fool. What do you expect? I deal with 3 kids almost everyday ranging from 1 year old to 6 years old. So yea, the call was fun and lively. Oh yea, I didn't get emotional this time. Hehe. We get off the call and I'm beaming. I'm on cloud 9. I'm smiling hours after the Skype call. Go to bed. Wake up the next day and read my email and I go from the cover of The 40 Year Old Virgin to a sad puppy. I go from that to sulking around the house. My girlfriend tells me that I essentially need to focus on the good, the positive. Don't let Tara's antics destroy that. That lately, in the past few years, this is all that she does. I get a chance to take a positive step forward, and she hits me with something that takes me back two steps. That I should be used to this now. Yea, she fussed at me. She verbally slapped me in the face. I still went to work mad and frustrated. I go through my day and eventually focus on the work load. Get home to tell my moms and she says the same thing, except in a spiritual light.
Essentially the devil doesn't want to see me happy. He couldn't do anything during the Skype call, but he waited until afterwards to bring me down. He's using her to destroy me emotionally, which in some way makes sense seeing as in general, all of her responses are those that tell me what I can and can't do, and what I will do, and what she won't allow, they're always negative. She says I need to focus on the good, the positive. That she has still been praying for her... (and this is going to leave a bad taste in my mouth as I say it), Daughter-in-Law ::runs into the bathroom for some mouthwash::. So my girlfriend gives me advice in the natural sense, my moms in the spiritual sense. Same advice either way.
Side note. Tara has essentially dumped a truckload of mud on my family, yet I still can't believe my Mom still prays for Tara. That she still smiles as she calls her Daughter-in-law ::swig of mouthwash::. That she still prays for her return. Tara has willingly kept our son from my Parents....really my whole family. My dad hasn't seen him since he was a baby. His great grandmother can't get any photos from her. She said things that were untrue. Accused me of things that were untrue. And the way she talked about my moms, yet my moms still, in her own way, welcomes her with open arms. Unreal. That in my mind shows a true embodiment of forgiveness. Not to say that I haven't, I just show mine differently.
So what did the email say? Essentially it said that she would only allow me Skype on Saturdays and one phone call during the week. That if I show that I can't Skype on Saturdays, that she will force me to only have phone calls. This is after she tells me that Skype is inappropriate for a child his age, therefore she will not allow him on Skype.
She didn't appreciate me not addressing the conversations of late considering my separation from him, essentially chatting as if it never happened. As if it doesn't exist. I really don't understand where she's coming from, all that I can really say is that we chat as if it doesn't exist. I'm chatting with him freely because he is my son. The separation doesn't make us different. The separation is the circumstance. I think maybe that shocked her. I feel that she is trying her best to cut me out of his life permanently, and with us carrying on a conversation as if nothing happened, well maybe that's not what she thought would happen. Maybe the distance between Phoenix and Atlanta, nor 4 years of not being able to visually see one another, neither the years of sporadic times she allowed us phone time, including 2011 where I got no contact time at all, can drastically effect the bond. After all, when he first saw me the first thing he said is "You look different!" He still knows me.
I feel better this morning. 2 days after I saw my son. I'm smiling again. He's a great kid.
