This Naturally Sucks -10.22.11 4:18pm

The hardest thing about living this married/single life is that..............it sucks. Hehehe. I'm just a guy that has always known that I'd be married. Id be married with a good wife that I'd love forever, I'd have the kids, the decent job, just....well that's how I've always pictured it anyway. I had that at least somewhat anyway. Then I go through a divorce, with no idea as to why we were going with a divorce, and I lose my wife and son. Fine. I recognize that "Hey, I'm still married", and decide to allow female friends with the understanding..........at least within my own mind, that it can't get serious. My problem is that, I've loved some of these women, I mean genuinely loved some of these women, but in the back of my head I know the truth, God still sees me as married. Some have been involved with dudes that were not the best for them, some have been with guys that didn't really understand how to interact with their woman, just in general their relationships never worked out. They encounter me and it's like their world goes from drab grays to sunshine and butterflies and gumdrops.

If I'm so great a guy why did my wife leave me? Could my wife not see what they see?

So some of these women basically fall in love with me, and I'd like to give it back, but I can't because in the back of my mind, I know what God sees me as, still married to my wife. This is not cool. I'm stuck. Sometimes I wonder why was I not involved with a church that taught the wrong thing when it comes to a marriage. Why can't I justify me being with another by the scriptures? Why do I care so much? Why do I know so much scripturally speaking when concerning marriage? I struggle with my natural man wanting and desiring whoever else, but I can't move forward because of my wife.......actually no. Spiritually speaking I know that I'm married, and it's because of my conviction, the teachings of the bible, that I won't marry again. My dedication to God is what refrains me from marrying again and sharing my being with another. I won't be able to give my all to anyone, regardless of how much I want to.

I think it's best for me to live a solitary life. Let go of my female friends, have male friends, but otherwise live singly. I know without a doubt that I am a man that wants a woman in my life. I need a woman to grow old with, to live life and suffer as you do within marriage, and find yourself married for 50 years and know that through it all, you had a good marriage. That's just me. But I have to live for God, and that means that I have to give up my wants, which is to say my life or rather my desires, for my life in heaven.

This is the hardest thing I've done. The divorce I went through unwillingly. I was separated from my wife unwillingly. This I'd have to do willingly.

Speaking as a natural man, this sucks. Spiritually speaking, I can't wait till it's all over and done with.

5:26 am- 10.19.11

This life down here on earth is so prominent. It's in your face like a pink elephant. The desires of this life, both mine and others who encounter me, are so..................engaging.
Here I sit at my computer, preparing myself for a trip to Tybee Island today with a friend from LA. I'm on vacation this week and I'm wanting to get out of the house and away from my family. I want to do something fun. Something spontaneous. I spent yesterday at a baseball game the district put on with another friend.
My mind is a tangled maze of thoughts right now.
I'm thinking of my Wife and her parents. Why would they not allow me access to my son? I'm not getting pictures. I'm not allowed to talk to him even though I call 2 times a week regularly. I've asked for skype access and I'm told that their computer doesn't work. I can't even call her directly in reference to my son, I have to go through her parents. Why? I lived with them for a year or two. I saw many things. I heard how they talked about people, about their own family, their cousins and sisters and brothers. I saw how they treated those who they suddenly disliked, and the reasons they justified in doing so. Yet I never thought that would happen to me. The Father of my son. What benefit is this apparent willingness to prevent me access to my son?
And why do I continue to hope for that one day where there is some sort of positive change. That maybe one day I'll be allowed to speak to my son. That I'll get a picture. That one day I'll get a chance to hear him say "Daddy". Why do I have to be the "better Christian" and endure and suffer these ways? Why can't I take her to court or snap at her for not allowing me my legal right? It's not fair.
Strangely enough, if she were to call me and say that she needed help, I'd help her. If she called me broken down on the road, trying to get to GA and needed a ride, I'd be there. If she called me and asked for forgiveness, I'd tell her that she already has been forgiven. My Mother-in-law always said that I have the gift of mercy.  I think she's right. However, I don't think so much of that anymore. Is that God working through me, providing me with traits that make me better?
My mind is a jumbled mess right now. I don't know what to think right now. I don't know what to do or how to handle them.