The chains of Divorce- 12.13.12

I dreamed about her again the other night. I don't understand it. I accept the fact that she's gone. I accept that she has no love for me. Fine. My only link to her is our son. I love our son. I miss him dearly. He is the only one that I'm trying to keep some sense of relationship with. With him it's because He's part of me. My first born. With her, it's because I have to. So why is it that in my dreams I rarely see him, rather I dream of her more often? It's like I'm still connected to her, still able to feel her. I feel her emotions sometimes, in my dreams. I see her face in the dream, or rather her face is shrouded with emotion.

She had her own place. Like an apartment. I walked in and I could feel from her that she didn't want me there. She didn't feel like dealing with me. Or rather she didn't like me having access so freely with our son. It was like two north poles of a magnet, whenever I got close to her she would move and go to another room. I caught a glimpse of her face, or rather non-face. It's hard to explain. She was wearing regular clothes, more than likely a t-shirt and some jeans, but when looking at her it was like she was wearing a cloak you'd see in some mid evil movie, or a shroud of some sort. I couldn't really see her face, it was covered in darkness. Rather there was no face but where a face should have been, dark clouds swirled in her face, contained only by the cloak or hoodie covering she wore. In looking at her face I could feel the emotions that she was hiding. I felt from her a great sadness, deep hurt, maybe hints of depression. She never said anything to me in this dream, just quick glances. Anyway I wasn't there for her, I was there for our son. I was excited to be there and finally see him. So I walked down the hallway and found him in the bathroom taking a bath. But he was playing around and once he saw me decided that he was done. Some how I knew She told him to take a bath, and being me, I backed her decision for him to take a bath. So I kinda got on to him lightly, told him to spend and extra 10 minutes in the tub, then he would be done.  The contrast between both was weird. She was filled with complete sadness, and he was normal, happy almost. The apartment look pretty decent, but the whole dream had a grayish or sepia color too it. Kinda like watching Silent hill.



I dreamed of her father and mother last night. It's all cloudy, but I do remember going to each and asking "Where is my son?", crying when I asked her father, I believe.

Reconciliing my past: 05/08/12

So I have been going to this center for a few months now. This center is bible based, so we learn about the bible, who Jesus is and what He wants. We learn about giving our life to Christ and what that means. Basically who we are as Christians. Aside from that, we have been given a short run down of what the bible is, some of it's teachings, the reason why we know it's true, etc....  So far it's been an okay experience, although I will say that I have learned a few things that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. So I go to my appointment yesterday and I have this homework I need to complete. I think I will have a hard time completing it.
For the past month, I've been watching at the Center a DVD that deals with Manhood and a wounded heart. The basic understanding being that your past effects you in the future. It also effects those who you love around you. So my homework deals with this. I am to look at my past and figure out if my hurts deal with an Absent Father, Overly-Bonded with Mother, Alone Life (no family or friends in which to guide me) or a Wounded Heart. Once I pick one, I am to explain why I chose that one, and eventually I am to essentially face my hurt and in some way reconcile with it so that, well so that I can be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
This will be a hard task for me. I guess this is more akin to counseling services in a way. But as a guy, we don't particularly share our feelings. We don't dig deep and get in touch with our fluffy pink fuzzy feelings, with our happy places. So essentially I have to be man enough to go to my place that has butterflies and rainbows and gumdrop raindrops and bunnies and sunshine. So once I do that, I need to figure out what is most effecting me. Something that I know I have a hard time getting past. There's one thing that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, whether it be in the most insignificant detail or the most devastating hurt.

My Ex, her Parents, and my divorce which includes taking my son away from me and not allowing me ANY form of time whether that be through letters, Skype, phone or email.

But how do I pursue that knowing that more than likely she won't respond? I remember watching T.V. once about prison inmates once. And they were basically doing the same. Reconciling with certain people or events from their past to get down to the core of why they are in jail to begin with. Some had issues with their fathers, but their fathers were already dead and gone. So they wrote letters to their pops anyway, but basically got everything out of their system. Maybe I'll do that. I mean we have been divorced for a little over 2 years, but the hurt, anger, and wounds of our hearts are still fresh. I already see in my head what I would write. Words laced with literature poison. I'm quite sure that my emotions would surface as I recount all of the things she did, that they did, that harmed me, my son, our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationship now. Maybe I shouldn't send her anything.
Maybe I'll just pick some other random thing to talk about. After all my father wasn't there sometimes, as such my Mother was always there and I never really had a older male figure to bond with. I won't say that I was alone in my life. We always hung out with some of our uncles and aunts who were around our age anyway.

What am I going to do?

I was stuck with her- 04/12/12

I had another dream last night about my Ex. Why do I still dream of her. Why must I be reminded of her. It's like I'm being forced to remember her. I don't remember a lot, it's so cloudy and blurry.

I was trapped with her. In some room or just.....attached somehow. It was almost as if we were traveling together, and we spent the night/day in a hotel room, or we were camping out in the woods. Whatever the case was, since I don't remember how we were together, we were together. We talked. In the dream it was after our divorce. Apparently we had been separated for a while. I remember her talking about her parents. I'm guessing the role they played in our divorce or their presence in her actions in not allowing me to have any contact with our son. I think she was apologizing. I remember her telling me that she was going to allow him in my life again (s/n which is something she has promised before and never committed to). I think she mentioned that her parents wouldn't have much say so about our son anymore and maybe being involved in her life so strongly. I remember feeling peace in the dream. I was hopeful. I felt like progress would be made finally. In the dream I believe that once we finished talking, we were going to go see my son, so obviously I was excited. I think we were around a campfire, but it was like..... I don't know. Anyway, I wake up.


I'm at a low right now. A spiritual and emotional low. I've gotten to the point that I've said "Screw her! Just forget her!" I see pictures of her and I think "I can't believe I was married to that. I've wasted time, money, emotions on this?! What was I thinking? I endured all of her misplaced anger. Endured physical hurt. Endured emotional distress. And for what? So that we can get divorced, for which I still have no real answer as to why she left me and snatched our son"

It's one of the greatest things to snuggle up to a good woman during the night. To hear her soft breathings in your ear. To feel her warm breath cascading down your neck. You feel her fingers dance across your back as she holds you, tracing her fingers along your spine as if she's memorizing every feature about you. I know that I'm speaking literally in the physical, but I'm asking you to look past that and see the emotional. These physical traits are hints of the love deep down within her that she has for you (or me).

A small part of me thinks of ways to make her suffer emotionally. Show her what she has been putting me through these past 4 years. Let my pain and anger come to the surface and let my wrath control me. For those few minutes I relish in it. Then I come to my senses, hang my head low and my shoulders droop.

I can't make her suffer. I'm not able to. I don't posses the streak in me to make her suffer.
Her mother once said that I have the Spirit of Mercy dwelling within me. Whether that be true or if that's another one of their talking as if they know everything, I know not. But this I will say is true. As much as she angers me in willingly keeping my son away from me. There's two things that keep me from losing control.
I remember the bible teaching forgiveness and mercy. It states it time and time again. I'm controlled by that. Regardless of what she does, I always have to have mercy and forgive her. I also have already given it to God. Which means that I can't touch the situation. If I make a move, I screw up everything.
I'm naturally a calm and nonchalant kind of guy, and I don't wish any hurt or harm towards anyone (with the exception of the few times I allow myself a few minutes of emotional wrath towards her). Wouldn't serve me any purpose. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to spend the rest of my life running from the cops or go from Cornelius to Cornelia (Co-Co for short) in prison somewhere. So I keep being patient, trying to forgive her, and having mercy.

So. Screw her. I still can't figure out how someone who professes to be a Christian can treat others unchristian-like.

I took the practice test! 3-26-12

Ok so the guy told me to come in on this past Thursday at 9:30. I got there at about 9:31 to 9:32 at the latest. The lights were off and the door locked. I waited at the door for about an hour. No one showed. I left and came back about 3 or 4 times, closed. So I figure, I'll try another location next week. So I go to this other office today at South Dekalb Mall and was able to get started. I've been taking the practice test online and have passed pretty regularly, but this test here......I failed it by 3 points. I needed to have had scored a 50 or above to pass, but I got a 47. :(
After my non taking test from Thursday, I told some of my coworkers, who basically said, "That's a sign". I can understand why they say it's a sign. And I am used to living life by "signs", but I have started asking myself at what point do you consider something a sign as opposed to just some random coincidence? Is everything a sign? When should one, whose living spiritually, consider something a sign. What do you look for? I guess my major problem is that my family in general, well we just don't really venture that far from what is ordinary to us. There's not a lot that we have done or experienced. We are "safe". So if anything to the smallest degree happened if we were to move outside of our safe box, we would immediately run to it's shelter and call it a sign (at least in my view, I could be wrong). So me taking this step, well it's a big step for me. And since the office was closed on Thursday, I was inclined to give up and not pursue my dream, looking for any excuse to tuck my tail in and whimper. However I still ask, how does one define what exactly a sign is? Aren't there times in life where we must forge ahead despite the negative? What is the old saying? "If you try and don't succeed, try, try, again?" Why is it at times we say that life is filled with ups and downs and that when we fall we have to get up, dust our pants off and keep going, yet other times we stop all things in the name of a sign?
Is a sign supposed to guide you? Or is it supposed to stop you? If it guides you, will it tell you in what direction in which to go, or will it leave you hanging?
I don't discount signs at all, it's just that at this point in my life, I'm not willing to look at everything "negative" as being signs to stop moving forward. I believe in signs truthfully. If I don't move forward, I remain as I am right now.

Nothing.


I'm so ready to leave. So ready for a difference. Ready to live life on my terms (as opposed to what others desire of me). It's just like the cars I've purchased in the past. The first car that I purchased was because of  my age in relation to what insurance would have cost me. The second car I purchased was for my Ex. I have never purchased a car just because it was a car that I really wanted. Same thing goes for this decision. I made it because it is what I want. It feels liberating!

I've made changes! 03/11/2012

I'm having to work out now. I have to be able to complete I believe about 50 pushups in 2 minutes, 50 pullups in 2 minutes, and run a mile and a half in 12 minutes and 15 seconds. Course that's when I graduate. I've made a decision that no one expected me to do.

You ever wonder....... well course then again I can't vouch for everyone, I'll just say that in my experience, we depend on God but it seems as though most times it's for financial issues. Like we need to make just enough money to pay this bill, or we need just enough money for enough gas to make it one more day, or whatever along those lines. We call on Him and ask for help in other matters as well such as maybe a loved one is going through some mess and needs some strength, or maybe our teenager is going through that time of his/her life and they are always angry so as a parent we pray for them. But what else do we ask God for help for? If God is all powerful, which we know Him to be, why is it that we settle for.....life? Why can't life settle for us? Why should we live paycheck to paycheck? Is there a way to be too humble? Does that manner of being too humble allow others to walk all over you?
I made a decision. A decision that I wanted to make back when I was in my early 20's. At the time I got scared and didn't chase it. Then years later I met someone who would soon become my Ex and snatch my child to AZ. Now where am I at? I'm 30 years old and not satisfied with my life. I thank God for my job. I've been employed for 15 year this coming June. My current title is "Supervisor". My actual role is cashier. I make I believe 13.90 an hour, I've got full benefits, granted access to 401k, along with health, dental, and vision insurance, guaranteed 40 hours a week. And yet, I'm not satisfied with my life. I thank God for all of that. Let me just say, 13.90 is not enough to take care of your responsibilities. It's one thing if you're single and have no kids or a significant other to worry about. You're doing ok. But with responsibilities, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. So I'm making drastic changes.

My eyes long to see the sights as I sit in the middle of a Japanese intersection during morning rush hour. They wish to see the landscapes of Hawaii, and the countryside of Australia. I wish to see a gorgeous Italian woman, and turn a few female heads in the U.K. all because they think my American accent is so beautiful, and while I'm there, have at a plate of authentic fish and chips.

When I was no more than a year and a half, I told my mother (after I had escaped from the apartment and was standing on the sidewalk of a busy street- a story you HAVE to hear from my mother and grandmother!) "You see those cars and trucks? They're going places, and one day I'm gonna go places too." That desire still reigns within me. I want to see this world. I want to see what God made.

You all pray my strength in the Lord.

Where are the real Christians? 02/19/2012

Why does it seem as though the ones who screw you over call themselves "saved" and Christian? Why is it that they are the ones who continue to make promises of change, yet revert back to whatever actions they had from before? Why is it that they are the ones looking down on us/you with their heads in the air all prideful, as if they know everything, and what they do is not wrong or of any offense?
Why do I keep forgiving her? Why do I continue to allow her to screw me? And if I have really forgiven her, why do I feel so much anger towards her now?

I long to be near the water, in a foreign country, allowed to be left alone. I'd be surrounded by the chatterings of the birds and the murmur of the waters near me. I'd fish and hunt for food. I'd build my house with my own two hands. I'd be known in the community as an honest and good  man, yet no one would dare to bother me out of respect and of the unknown. I wouldn't have a cell phone or any direct line with the outside world. I wouldn't have to deal with my Baby Momma (Ex Wife) and her actions and I'd have to spend the rest of my days dealing with the fact that I more than likely she will never let me be involved in my sons life, whether by phone or letter, or picture, or in a hug.

I'd start over
.
Just me and God.

Save me I didn't follow you!

Alright so we have in the bible examples of what happens when we follow God. If we lean on Him, He takes care of us. If we leave Him, we have to fend for ourselves, not that He isn't right there, but that we have left Him. In my experience, He has ALWAYS been there even when I never recognized it. I have to say though that in my view, the same applies to marriage. Here's why.

We all know that God constructed the idea of marriage. Therefore marriage is "good and very good". Marriage was created in His sight, and since He created it, we know it to be good because all things that He creates are good. We learn from the bible through it's many verses how to be a better husband or wife, which I tell you with all seriousness, to be better husband or wife usually means you have to be a better Christian first. It is through these many verses that we can recognize that marriage is important, more important than what the standard of marriage is today. I think it is safe to say that God wants us to remain married, and has given us scripture to follow, a sort of guideline, to help us remain married, knowing that our faults as man can overpower us and therefore destroy the marriage.
 
So why get married? In my toddler years, some of the  teachings we received was that it is better to marry than to burn, I believe that scripture to be in 1 Corinthians 7th chapter. So what we were being taught was that when you become of age to be sexually active, before you start humping every woman (or man) you see, go ahead and get married. If you don't, you won't make it to heaven because you had sex before marriage. I think there is truth to that but here's what we also found. In those early years the members were getting married based on that scripture. Years later, as my understanding serves, "a lot" of those marriages fell. I wish I could define "a lot" for you but I just don't know the specific number. So why'd they fall? They married for the wrong reason. They married to have sex so that they wouldn't burn, but they weren't looking far enough past the honeymoon to say "Now what do we do"?

Which is why I said that it seems to me that it is better to become a Christian first before you become a husband or wife. Your role as husband or wife is easier when you have a committed role as a Christian. Your role as Husband or Wife is enhanced by your following as a Christian. You recognize your place, you understand your duties and more importantly, you know who you follow. And when both husband and wife follow towards the same goal, that being God and His standard/direction, your marriage is made better because you aren't following your own personal rules and regulations per se, but you follow Christ and His teachings.

Now with that said, what happens when we don't follow Christ when it comes to marriage? Well look at society. Look at our standards. Man has lowered it's standards. We accept a mother with 3 kids by 2 or 3 different daddies. We tell her it's ok, then call her, in the black community, a "strong black woman" because she's doing it all on her own. Our men become boys when they find out that their mate is pregnant, not wanting to be in his Baby Momma and child's lives. People get married, in front of God, family, and the pastor, and get divorced within a few years. If that now divorced husband and wife had kids, they go from Father and Mother in marriage to Baby Momma and Baby Daddy through the divorce. What makes them different than the other Baby Momma /Daddy who never got married? Further more, if that same now divorced Husband/Wife get married again to someone else, AND have more kids, they aren't any better than the other Baby Mommas with 2 kids by 2 different fathers, and the Baby Daddies that are spewing their seeds at every hole they can find. The term "Ex Husband" or "Ex Wife" doesn't make the situation any better. You still had sex with multiple partners either way. In marriage we wear protection to prevent more kids, out of marriage we wear our magnums to prevent kids AND disease. In marriage we know who we are coming home to, he/she is there. They are ours, and we are theirs. Out of marriage, we spend our time "looking for love". So we have to go through the process of meeting new people, enduring new personalities, filtering through the people who really won't make your life enjoyable, then we have to "get to know" someone new. You're starting over all because you ended your marriage. In some cases we remain alone not wanting to contend with the level of man or woman out there.
I don't say that marriage is easy, let me be real with you. Marriage is real. It is tough.Your wife or husband will make you scream and it won't necessarily be during the moment of ecstasy. But I tell you with conviction, if you follow God and cling to him, your marriage will survive, and you won't have to endure some of those things I mentioned when you don't follow God.
 
If marriage is designed by God, our being married and remaining married is glorifying God. We may not really say "Yea I'm getting married to glorify God", but our actions say just that when we show others that our God is THE God to follow when we remain married.

Let the knowledge of Christ and His teachings flourish within me like a never ending fountain of pure water. Let His Spirit dwell within me, quickening my spirit and strengthening me against the enemy's devices. Let His light shine within me for His benefit as He sees fit.Let all those who pass by this page, who may read, who may understand be blessed and strengthened and let their understanding grow about Christ, and themselves.In Jesus name, Amen.

The In Laws: The Brotha from anotha Motha

I actually have no problems with my B-I-L. He was always cool. We both seemed to have a mellow nonchalant way of being. I know he's stayed away from me during and after the divorce and I think it was more so a situation of him not wanting to involve himself, at least I'd like to think that, and of which I do appreciate. I harbor no anger towards him at all and do miss him and his wife tremendously. I actually looked up to him with much respect and awe. It was cool to go to the same school as he did and sort of tag a long in his footsteps so to speak, yet chasing my own dreams in the process. I hope he and his wife and family are doing good and I wish them nothing but success in their marriage. I would hate to see them go through a divorce as I and his sister did.
I'll include his wife as well, especially since she is part of him. I never really got to know her as well, yet she is cool. I'd have to say a match made when it comes to the both of them.

If I have another dream about them staring at me as they have in the previous dreams, I'll have no choice but to email him, which I don't really want to do because of the awkwardness of the situation. Could you imagine that? "Hey I know we haven't spoken in the past 3 years but I just want to say I'm ok and I hope you all are. I love yall and miss yall. Oh and by the way, the only reason why I'm emailing you is because I keep dreaming about you and your wife, so I just wanted to let you all know that I'm ok and I guess I'll pray for yall too...since I'm not entirely sure why I keep seeing you all. So, BYE!" Yea........not sure that I want to have to contact him about that, but I guess I'd have to if I see that dream again.

I guess the next In Law blog should be about my F-I-L. THAT'S gonna be a hard one! I harbor more anger towards him because I put my trust in him, and I feel that he dropped the ball. He never kept his promise. He failed my wife and I. They told us to trust in them, we did, they failed my wife and I, we got divorced, they are still married.
Why did I learn so much after the divorce? Why did I see more after the divorce? Why was I made stronger after the divorce?
There's so much to forgive and so much to apologize for.

Yall pray that the knowledge of Christ abounds within me. That it flourishes and quickens my spirit, allowing me to be a better man of God, or rather, Son of God.