I've had a lot to say in these past few months, so before I begin, I think I may need to call on the Father for guidance. That He direct me in what I may write. That I'm able to be completely open and honest without being degrading or hurtful. A few....well I guess it has been a year or two I mentioned that I was going to this Pregnancy Resource Center that was spiritually motivated. I mentioned a task that I had to complete, (which I might add that I never completed the assignment), in which I had to look at some of the things that were hurtful to me, and address those things to that person. I wasn't at the time able to choose between my mother or my Ex and her Parents. Why not do both? My mom is here so I can easily talk to her. However with my Ex, it's not so simple. Her parents-not so simple.I'll be honest, this will be somewhat of a series. This part, will focus on the love. But know there will be parts that will focus on some of the bad. All in all, this is not to be used as a vehicle to incite anger and frustration, but also be warned, I have no problem in being honest.
Remember when things were soooo simple? I still remember our first date. Sweetwater Creek sitting on a bench next to the lake. It was a little cloudy. We were both soooo nervous we couldn't look at one another the whole time. We decided to force ourselves to face each other instead of at the ground or at the lake. It was a time of innocence. I miss them. I loved you. I needed you. I wanted you. You were my drug of choice. Of choice. Wow. Babes (I'll use this pet name only to refrain from using your real name, it is not to be misunderstood as a pet name of love), I loved you from first picture. I'd say "first sight" but since I saw your picture first on BP, well hey....you know. I saw it and I knew you were mine to marry. Done. No questions. Just done. Final answer. I didn't care who you were or what you had been through, I accepted all of that in that micro moment of seeing your photo and I was willing to explore and experience all of that with you. Drug of choice. Remember the time when I drove out to D'ville (which in hindsight I have no earthly idea why I would drive that far AND back almost daily for a woman, except that you were my drug of choice), just to put a little encouragement letter on your car windshield when I found out that you were having a bad day at work? I was basking in Good Boyfriend status when you called excited, surprised and mad that I came all the way out there without letting you know. I miss your cuddles. I could never find the right position, I always needed to be closer. The way you just fit mine. Oh and your scent! Not a bad smell, just the way you smell. You weren't musty or anything, it was just you. I miss that. I smell it from time to time and I think of you immediately. It's been years since it last wafted through my nostrils.
Babes you need to understand that when we were together, I loved you in the true meaning of love. There was nothing that you could have done that I would not forgive you for, maybe even going as far as questioning myself as to what I did to contribute to you doing whatever that I might need to forgive you. Honestly, you could have cheated on me and I would have forgiven you. I was prepared to stay and work things out. I was prepared to forgive you on anything. You were my drug of choice. My need. Who I thought about all the time. I used to sit back and think of ways to put a smile on your face, just so I could see you smile. I miss that smile. The way you'd kind of shake your head when you did it. And the dimples.....wow. Show me that smile and I was done. I remember what we did the first night after getting married that day. We came home. Undressed out of our "bride" and :groom" t-shirts. I pulled the hairpins out of your hair (your hair was on point that day!), I think we went to bed in boxer shorts and basketball shorts, and we spooned ourselves to sleep. I woke up the next morning thinking "I don't see how anyone can consummate the marriage at night 'cause we were tired!". Then we had our first fight, the position of the card table in the dining room. Whether it should be boring and mundane by being parallel to the way, your way, or fun and different by being diagonal ( my way). You won that argument. Oh wait! Remember the time we went to Sweetwater Creek at night and fished and we both caught something at the same time. I pulled mine in SOOOOOO confidently and you're pulling yours in. We get them both up and mine is like 8 inches and yours is like 2 and a half feet! And we heard the Hispanics fishing from the bank laughing too hard at me. That was a good night. There's so many things that I could mention, like the moment of pride I had as I stood up in recognition of your graduation as your husband. The fun in being with you at school teaching kids, you were an AWESOME teacher. Babes I loved EVERY minute of being yours, from online friend to husband. I LOVED you, and all that you were, and would be. Sure we had bad times, but I looked at us, not from the standpoint of whats happening now, but who we were as a whole. You were my drug of CHOICE. Quite frankly, I still love you, but as a Christian should.
Hi my name is Deon, and I'm not addicted to Babes. I've been clean, oh um, several years now. ::crowd stands up and cheers::
Like I said, I still love you. This process of divorce, well shoot not even that, the constant denial of our son has forced me to reflect............I don't like that word. Visualize? Determine. Think about. Comprehend....I thought a lot about us and me and you and God and my position with Him. I love you as a Christian should.
As a Christian, I try to practice forgiveness, mercy, grace and understanding.
This is how I love you now, with these Christian traits. I practice forgiveness every time I call your Mom's number and am met with a voicemail and no call back. I practice mercy when I tell myself "Maybe next week" when I leave a voicemail and hope I'll be able to talk with him on the next phone call. Grace is shown when I allow myself to show patience, in thinking that maybe you haven't mentally acclimated yourself to still having to deal with me, even all the way in Georgia, with our son. I'm sure I'm like a gnat that keeps pestering your eyeball. I try to apply understanding when I look at my changing as boyfriend in relation to your parents, to husband and living with your parents. I see some of the ways our marriage changed after we moved in, and truth be told, that was the last thing we should have done. I know what it was like dealing with your parents, I'm sure you are going through some of the same things still. I saw who my wife was in our own apartment, and who she was moving in with her parents. She was not the same. I love you as a Christian, I show Christian love.
Back in the day, I used to say that you had Taravision. Please forgive me if back then, using the term did more harm than was wanted. I use it now only to explain a point. You saw things from your perspective. No real problem there, however it became an issue once you didn't leave any room for any possibilities or explanations. Everything, when you were in that mode was either black or white, no gradients of grey. And going further, it doesn't allow you to forgive. It makes you hold on to the negative, the hurt, the pain. It makes you want, and in some cases causing, others to feel your pain. Considering our relationship (which is to say our level of communication as Baby Daddy and Baby Momma), I feel as though I'm still dealing with the Vision. So, metaphorically speaking, I'm here on my knees apologizing. I'm so very very sorry for my role in the breakup. For my role in causing you to divorce me. For causing you to keep my child away from me. I'm asking you to forgive me. Not for my sake, but for God, for you, how others see you as a Christian and follow you, and for our son's well being. I hope for all those reasons, that the Vision isn't allowed to manifest. If the Vision takes hold, well it won't matter that I just apologized, heartfelt and sincere. It'll make you think that I'm doing this for some other reason other than the reason I gave. It'll make you think that I'm out for something, or that I'm trying to get us back together. It can even go as far as allowing your parents to support any thoughts of reasons other than what I gave. You may say that I'm trying to bad mouth you because of the divorce. I'm not. That I'm trying to find out things about your/ your parents lives. I'm not. I'm a dude. That's too much drama for me. Compounded more since I now have a woman and 3 kids to take care of.
My one reason: I want a decent working relationship with our son. In order to do that, I have to go through you. It's that simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. All that I do is for that one reason.
May the Blood of Christ wash over Babes and I. That some form of forgiveness is manifested within both of us. That we be able to look to the future and forget the past. Most importantly, that others who see the Light of Christ with in us, be not lead astray by our natural imperfections. That they be able to say "Look at what God has done in their lives! This is the God I want to serve!" In Jesus name, amen.
I feel good. Now that I got that part off my chest, it's time to make someone curse my screen name in Black Ops 2! God willing I'll do the other parts soon, Yall be good and be Christ-like.
