Persistence 3.14.14

I hope the Lord may see fit that I should live long enough to have a head full of white hair. To live long enough to mark up my wood floors with tracks made from my wheelchair. To see the world change in a hundred years and wonder at the simplicity of what life used to be. And when our Father in Heaven takes me on home, and I stand before Him in judgement and He asks me "Have you lived a good Christian life? Did you love all and show love as I have?", and I reply with, "I hope it was to your standard." He would then ask "What about when your Ex denied you of your child, her mother allowing you to call him several times a week without picking up or returning your calls". To that I'd say "I gotta say, I think I did pretty good". "And when she continued to restrict you of contact, going as far as saying there will be no Skype, and you can only call on Saturdays, even after you got your lawyer involved again, how did you do then? Did you let anger posses you?" "No Father. As far as I can tell, I never let anger get to me."
After that, He would then decide on  my fate, based on other things in my life and I'd go to Heaven or Hell. I honestly can't tell you that I'd make it to heaven. I'm sure there's always something that I can do to make myself a better Christian. Something that I don't know that I'm doing wrong, which through fasting and prayer I should be able to find out what that is and make it right.
I guess the point of all this is we all will be judged by our actions and thoughts. Even though she's still denying me my son, I still have to act like the better Christian because later on, I will be judged by how I responded. I have to act, not react to what shes doing.

Pushing Daisys 2-11-14

I gotta share this, and this is akin to me praying during the bad thunderstorm that I make it to church, and when I prayed not to have a child/to have a child, that I not be late for work when I just saw my bus roll by, when I prayed about how to handle the Ford when going through my divorce, and a few other situations that I know was answered by the blessings of God.
I was called in early yesterday. You see we in Georgia don't really encounter snow storms/ ice storms, but when we do, all hail breaks loose! Haha, get it? Get it?! Haha. Cars from non-drivers end up in the ditch, people drive too fast, people drive with bald tires, they drive with 30 inch rims, but the biggest problem is that truckers jack knife. This last storm about a week or two ago, people were stuck in their cars for up to 14 hours! So with memories of the last episode still fresh, people are shopping in the grocery stores and buying as if they will be holed up for two weeks in their house. So, like I said I was called in early. I finish making a casserole and go in to work. I get on the highway and about halfway in my travel, my radio stops. Now I'm thinking there's something wrong with the station, until later on I check it and the screen says low battery. I say ok and keep driving, knowing that I will have to make the purchase really soon. I get off the exit and all my gauges drop. They act as if the car isn't driving at all. Now that worries me. Something is clearly wrong with my car. I pray to my Father in Heaven that I be able to make it to the parking lot at work where I can be safe. I Vox my girl and let her know and right when I was going to say "I think I can make it", I changed it to "I'll be able to make it". So I'm driving and now the car is silent. I hear the engine noise from pressing the gas, and the car kind of lurches when it changes gears, but aside from that, quiet. And all turning signal functions cease, so essentially no lights. I was allowed to make it to the parking lot. And just like my prayer, as soon as I turn into the parking lot, the car stops everything. I've got no lights, turning signals, no engine noise, my power steering is shot, no gas. Nothing. My car is dead. My brakes work though! So I had to put the car in neutral and push it up a slight incline to park it. I never realized that I could push a car by myself.
I can't say that I learned a lot. I already know the power of prayer, especially during one of my fasts. I already know the things that our Father in Heaven has done for me after one of those good prayers. I guess every once in a while, you feel extra special, like God only loves you, when He answers your needs, wants, or desires. Kinda like getting a gold star in kindergarten.
So now, here I am, stuck at my girlfriends house all day with nothing to do except watch Netflix and beat someone's ace in BlackOps.

Thank God.

Out of the mouth of babes with the truth be spoken 11.05.13

It's so easy to misunderstand something, especially when you're going through a divorce or dealing with the Baby Momma. So easy to get angry, I mean after all, this was the one person that said they loved you. I didn't want my dealings with her to be with anger, or mistrust. So I've always tried to kind of hold back on the emotions. Show mercy whenever possible. Whatever I could do to not see her in a negative light, I tried to do with the best of my ability. In fact the one thing I've tried not to face in dealing with her, is that she doesn't want me involved with our son. With two simple sentences, my son has caused me to deal with what I didn't want to.
That she and her family really don't want me involved in his life.
Surprisingly I'm fairly calm about this verbal acknowledgement. What can I do except accept it?

Crossroads 9-27-13

Here I stand at the juncture of "What I was Taught Road" and "Was that Really Right Lane".
I've re-read some of my earlier posts and, granted I haven't been on in a while, but life has gotten deep for me.

I haven't spoken to my firstborn since August of last year. Granted I still make the calls, I still email her times I am available, I still leave the voice mails, I still get no response. I ask what school does he go to, no response. I say "well summer is coming, when is a good time to come through and see him, I'll be driving", no response. It's an......emotional......not sure I like that, psychological? No I don't like that either. Technological brick wall. That's better. If I was asked, do I still love her even still. I'd say somewhat. I was married to her. She was my all. I told her things my own mother wouldn't have known about me. She was, not my first love, but MY love. She will always have a place in my heart.

But I'm not crazy either. Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, not me, not this one here.

I've got a girlfriend. We have a year old son (I refuse to say 13 month, and the time it takes to vocally express "a year and a month" my hair could turn gray, js.) Lemme tell you HE IS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! His name is Noah (I didn't plan on having another child, especially one with a name that starts with the letter "N"). He looks just like Najee at times. Sometimes when his head is turned at the right angle, and his facial expression is just right, I can't help but saying "Wow, looks just like my 1st". My girlfriend has two other kids that I have been involved with for the past two years. I LOVE em! ESPECIALLY the girl. She's MY girl. If ANYONE hurts her, and please forgive me for this moment of hoodness, Imma have ta shank em with my pinky fanga! The boy is 6, the girl is just about 3.

Me and my girlfriend have been talking about marriage, and moving in and whatnot.
But "WAIT" you exclaim! How are you able to have a girlfriend AND get married?!
I'm glad you asked. Here's why. And this is where the juncture begins.

Tara isn't coming back. I know this. I accept this. I'm not totally fine with it since I would have rather worked things out, but hey, it is what it is. When I got divorced, I was......28 I believe. Young man. Young sexually needy man. Wasn't right, but I was missing her, missing a woman. So yea, I had sex. Fast forward to roughly 22 months ago and a child was created.
According to how I was raised, once you were married you were married. That's it. Done. Final. No return. No exchanges. Not even with a receipt. Stuck. More specifically, in God's eyes, that was it. You could get a divorce in the natural sense, but in the spiritual sense, it's still all over for you. You just happen to be married to someone who doesn't love back like they used to. Now from my understanding, the only way a divorce could be legit in both the natural and spiritual sense, is if one cheated. Now I make this very clear, I NEVER cheated on my wife while we were together. So just to make this simple, she divorced me in the natural sense, I made it legit in the spiritual sense by being with another woman. My Mom still scolds and lectures me about being with my girlfriend. She wants me to make things work out with Tara. I say screw that! She's not coming back. I understand and accept it. SHE left me, NOT the other way around.
With that being said, there's only a handful of scriptures that pertain to marriage. What if there's more to it? Am I really supposed to not be with anyone else at all, remain single for the rest of my life because according to God I'm still married in the Spiritual sense? My Girl is a GOOD woman. She FEEDS me! Tara cooked 3 times in the 2 years we were together, and one won't count because it was a cold Pop-Tart clattering on a plate. I have a gut now. I'm actually working out now to get rid of it. Something I've never had to do before. She's good with the kids. Decent with her finances. Great relationship with her parents, more specifically her Moms. She never denies the father of her kids the kids. He can always come through and pick them up. She supports me when she can, when she needs to, emotionally. ESPECIALLY when it concerns my EX. That's most important to me. She's been a great wife to me even as a girlfriend. I love her. I love my son. I love my other two kids.

I've been questioning my spiritual self. Rather the teachings I was brought up on. I haven't gone to church in say a year. I'm confused spiritually. I know the kind of faith I had before, ESPECIALLY when I did my fasts. I wonder now if the churches teachings I grew up on was kind of a stepping stone to something bigger and better? I don't have a home church anymore. I want to experience something else, yet I'm not sure what I'm looking for.

Maybe I'll cross the street at some point.

Be good. Be Christians. Grow. Pray for me.