This Naturally Sucks -10.22.11 4:18pm

The hardest thing about living this married/single life is that..............it sucks. Hehehe. I'm just a guy that has always known that I'd be married. Id be married with a good wife that I'd love forever, I'd have the kids, the decent job, just....well that's how I've always pictured it anyway. I had that at least somewhat anyway. Then I go through a divorce, with no idea as to why we were going with a divorce, and I lose my wife and son. Fine. I recognize that "Hey, I'm still married", and decide to allow female friends with the understanding..........at least within my own mind, that it can't get serious. My problem is that, I've loved some of these women, I mean genuinely loved some of these women, but in the back of my head I know the truth, God still sees me as married. Some have been involved with dudes that were not the best for them, some have been with guys that didn't really understand how to interact with their woman, just in general their relationships never worked out. They encounter me and it's like their world goes from drab grays to sunshine and butterflies and gumdrops.

If I'm so great a guy why did my wife leave me? Could my wife not see what they see?

So some of these women basically fall in love with me, and I'd like to give it back, but I can't because in the back of my mind, I know what God sees me as, still married to my wife. This is not cool. I'm stuck. Sometimes I wonder why was I not involved with a church that taught the wrong thing when it comes to a marriage. Why can't I justify me being with another by the scriptures? Why do I care so much? Why do I know so much scripturally speaking when concerning marriage? I struggle with my natural man wanting and desiring whoever else, but I can't move forward because of my wife.......actually no. Spiritually speaking I know that I'm married, and it's because of my conviction, the teachings of the bible, that I won't marry again. My dedication to God is what refrains me from marrying again and sharing my being with another. I won't be able to give my all to anyone, regardless of how much I want to.

I think it's best for me to live a solitary life. Let go of my female friends, have male friends, but otherwise live singly. I know without a doubt that I am a man that wants a woman in my life. I need a woman to grow old with, to live life and suffer as you do within marriage, and find yourself married for 50 years and know that through it all, you had a good marriage. That's just me. But I have to live for God, and that means that I have to give up my wants, which is to say my life or rather my desires, for my life in heaven.

This is the hardest thing I've done. The divorce I went through unwillingly. I was separated from my wife unwillingly. This I'd have to do willingly.

Speaking as a natural man, this sucks. Spiritually speaking, I can't wait till it's all over and done with.

5:26 am- 10.19.11

This life down here on earth is so prominent. It's in your face like a pink elephant. The desires of this life, both mine and others who encounter me, are so..................engaging.
Here I sit at my computer, preparing myself for a trip to Tybee Island today with a friend from LA. I'm on vacation this week and I'm wanting to get out of the house and away from my family. I want to do something fun. Something spontaneous. I spent yesterday at a baseball game the district put on with another friend.
My mind is a tangled maze of thoughts right now.
I'm thinking of my Wife and her parents. Why would they not allow me access to my son? I'm not getting pictures. I'm not allowed to talk to him even though I call 2 times a week regularly. I've asked for skype access and I'm told that their computer doesn't work. I can't even call her directly in reference to my son, I have to go through her parents. Why? I lived with them for a year or two. I saw many things. I heard how they talked about people, about their own family, their cousins and sisters and brothers. I saw how they treated those who they suddenly disliked, and the reasons they justified in doing so. Yet I never thought that would happen to me. The Father of my son. What benefit is this apparent willingness to prevent me access to my son?
And why do I continue to hope for that one day where there is some sort of positive change. That maybe one day I'll be allowed to speak to my son. That I'll get a picture. That one day I'll get a chance to hear him say "Daddy". Why do I have to be the "better Christian" and endure and suffer these ways? Why can't I take her to court or snap at her for not allowing me my legal right? It's not fair.
Strangely enough, if she were to call me and say that she needed help, I'd help her. If she called me broken down on the road, trying to get to GA and needed a ride, I'd be there. If she called me and asked for forgiveness, I'd tell her that she already has been forgiven. My Mother-in-law always said that I have the gift of mercy.  I think she's right. However, I don't think so much of that anymore. Is that God working through me, providing me with traits that make me better?
My mind is a jumbled mess right now. I don't know what to think right now. I don't know what to do or how to handle them.

How well do we reflect Christ within us?

Sometimes it's those that "show" themselves as being Christians that we need not learn from. The "conversation of their lives" are such that they prove themselves, through actions, that they aren't quite where they need to be.  I won't say that they aren't Christians, but that they still have a lot of growing to do.

Time and time again I can't help but dissect the role/word Christian, which when broken down means Christ-like. So what are some of our Lords actions that we are to follow? What separated Him from any other entity or person? What makes His ways, that we follow as Christians, so much better? Why are His ways the Standard? I ask further, how well do we reflect Him within us?

If our Lord can forgive so very easily, why is it so easy for us to remember the hurts? If He can forgive our sins, which are sins to the death, why is it so hard to forgive others simple mistakes? If He was peaceful, why is it that we relish aggressive natures? If He suffered wrong, so many times and yet willingly, why do we choose to attack others when wronged, or when we feel we have been wronged? Why is it that He chose to remain quiet when other accused Him of wrongdoing, yet we turn and yell when treated the same? Why is it so hard for us to align our lives parallel to His, so that we no longer have to verbally cry out our faith (as if to prove something), but that our actions, or rather the conversation of our lives, speak for us?

Why is it so hard to give up those things on this earth for the sake of those things that we earn in heaven? There is nothing on this earth worth giving up my seat in heaven. I can only speak personally, but I can't let others who take away from me allow me to act in a way that is unchristian-like. I can't let what others say, get me so mad as to make me lose my seat. It's not what others do, yet how I react or rather, how I act that gains and retains my seat. Again, there is nothing on this earth worth losing my seat. Grudges from my separation and divorce will hinder me. Anger will hold me back. Leaning according to my own understanding will keep in second place. What others have done, what they still do, if I act unchristian-like, will allow another soul to warm my seat.

My wife had a favorite quote. "Actions speak louder than words". Normally she said that to me when I made her mad in some way, usually when I had promised something and never carried it through with my actions, but she was right nevertheless. Kinda sounds like some of us Christians right? We promise our lives to be better than the "sinners", yet we never carry it through with our actions. I thank God for my wife. She truly has been a blessing in my life, even now, more than she will ever know or understand. I promised my love to her July 1st, I never lied.

There is nothing on this earth worth giving up my seat.................and yet I know that because of this post, I will be tested.

I preached that Sunday

Well......in the dream I had this morning, and truthfully, I taught.
I saw my Uncle Nate who is our Head Pastor now. He called to me and said that he wanted me to preach. I get up but I'm thinking, "I'm not able to preach! I'm not qualified! I've not been fasting or praying or preparing for this. Nah I'm not preaching.........but then again, I don't mind teaching."
I get up to the podium and, resolved in teaching to the masses, I try to figure out what to teach. The only thing that I can quote scripture on is about marriage. Oh yea I've studied that, and how you have to stay married and that you really can't get a divorce but if you do you gottta stay single or be reconciled to your husband/wife (that's a lot to say in one sentence right?)
So I proceed to teach the people about marriage and divorce, which would also include relationships, and how to handle yourself when you are going through a divorce. But wait there's more!
The dream switches.
I see myself sitting on the right hand side of my son. He's close to me like he's leaning on me or maybe I'm kinda engulfing him protectively. My wife is with us, sitting on his left but kind of across from me. My son writes a list of words down and says each word. The words he repeats are a little bigger than a kid his age would know and understand. There was one really big word that starts with an "s" and he got it right. My wife is there as if she's supporting him in case he messes up a word. I'm testing him, picking a word here and there. He gets them all right.
Thoughts.
2 thoughts on the preaching. First- I REALLY don't believe that I'm supposed to become a preacher.....period, end of story, plain and simple. But I wonder if it means that I need to have a greater impact within the church. I'm involved yes, but maybe I'm to do more, you know? I can say that I would LOVE to go around teaching about marriage and divorce and God's standard on the topic. But only if that's what He desires of me. Until then, I won't. So many Christians can't see how far they need to go. There's so much information that they aren't getting, so much they need to know. There are plenty who think they are doing everything they can, yet don't realize that they are falling short. I wish I could help. 2nd thought is that I had spent some time yesterday with a friend that I had to cut off a while back. I had fallen in love with her, and never saw it. Some may say, "Well if you loved her, and she loved you, why cut her off?" Because according to God, I'm still  married to my wife. The love that I had for my friend should have been for my wife. In essence, I was cheating on my wife emotionally. So I cut off my friend. That was last year around July. So I meet her yesterday after she comes back into town for a test, and I explain to her why I had to, and we talk about the spiritual aspect of me cutting her off. We talk about the spiritual aspect of me enduring my wife's continual refusal to let me interact with my son. It was just a good 30 minutes or so at least of me explaining God's standards. So my dream may have been in reference to my teaching this friend about God's standard.
As for my son, I took it as it's time to send my son letters. I used to do so but my wife told me to stop until she tells me he can read......which was true.  So I stopped. He's three now, going on four. I know that he's pretty smart. I figure that hes ready for a letter from Dad, especially one that doesn't have a bunch of detail. The coolest part about that portion of the dream is that in my separation and divorce, anytime I dreamed any dream, it was always about my wife. This is the first time, maybe second time, I've dreamed about my son so clearly. What was also cool too is that as we sat together, me, my wife and our son, there was no arguing. Just respect and acceptance. We treated each other like Christians.
So I guess that's it then.