I had another dream last night about my Ex. Why do I still dream of her. Why must I be reminded of her. It's like I'm being forced to remember her. I don't remember a lot, it's so cloudy and blurry.
I was trapped with her. In some room or just.....attached somehow. It was almost as if we were traveling together, and we spent the night/day in a hotel room, or we were camping out in the woods. Whatever the case was, since I don't remember how we were together, we were together. We talked. In the dream it was after our divorce. Apparently we had been separated for a while. I remember her talking about her parents. I'm guessing the role they played in our divorce or their presence in her actions in not allowing me to have any contact with our son. I think she was apologizing. I remember her telling me that she was going to allow him in my life again (s/n which is something she has promised before and never committed to). I think she mentioned that her parents wouldn't have much say so about our son anymore and maybe being involved in her life so strongly. I remember feeling peace in the dream. I was hopeful. I felt like progress would be made finally. In the dream I believe that once we finished talking, we were going to go see my son, so obviously I was excited. I think we were around a campfire, but it was like..... I don't know. Anyway, I wake up.
I'm at a low right now. A spiritual and emotional low. I've gotten to the point that I've said "Screw her! Just forget her!" I see pictures of her and I think "I can't believe I was married to that. I've wasted time, money, emotions on this?! What was I thinking? I endured all of her misplaced anger. Endured physical hurt. Endured emotional distress. And for what? So that we can get divorced, for which I still have no real answer as to why she left me and snatched our son"
It's one of the greatest things to snuggle up to a good woman during the night. To hear her soft breathings in your ear. To feel her warm breath cascading down your neck. You feel her fingers dance across your back as she holds you, tracing her fingers along your spine as if she's memorizing every feature about you. I know that I'm speaking literally in the physical, but I'm asking you to look past that and see the emotional. These physical traits are hints of the love deep down within her that she has for you (or me).
A small part of me thinks of ways to make her suffer emotionally. Show her what she has been putting me through these past 4 years. Let my pain and anger come to the surface and let my wrath control me. For those few minutes I relish in it. Then I come to my senses, hang my head low and my shoulders droop.
I can't make her suffer. I'm not able to. I don't posses the streak in me to make her suffer.
Her mother once said that I have the Spirit of Mercy dwelling within me. Whether that be true or if that's another one of their talking as if they know everything, I know not. But this I will say is true. As much as she angers me in willingly keeping my son away from me. There's two things that keep me from losing control.
I remember the bible teaching forgiveness and mercy. It states it time and time again. I'm controlled by that. Regardless of what she does, I always have to have mercy and forgive her. I also have already given it to God. Which means that I can't touch the situation. If I make a move, I screw up everything.
I'm naturally a calm and nonchalant kind of guy, and I don't wish any hurt or harm towards anyone (with the exception of the few times I allow myself a few minutes of emotional wrath towards her). Wouldn't serve me any purpose. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to spend the rest of my life running from the cops or go from Cornelius to Cornelia (Co-Co for short) in prison somewhere. So I keep being patient, trying to forgive her, and having mercy.
So. Screw her. I still can't figure out how someone who professes to be a Christian can treat others unchristian-like.
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