So I have been going to this center for a few months now. This center is bible based, so we learn about the bible, who Jesus is and what He wants. We learn about giving our life to Christ and what that means. Basically who we are as Christians. Aside from that, we have been given a short run down of what the bible is, some of it's teachings, the reason why we know it's true, etc.... So far it's been an okay experience, although I will say that I have learned a few things that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. So I go to my appointment yesterday and I have this homework I need to complete. I think I will have a hard time completing it.
For the past month, I've been watching at the Center a DVD that deals with Manhood and a wounded heart. The basic understanding being that your past effects you in the future. It also effects those who you love around you. So my homework deals with this. I am to look at my past and figure out if my hurts deal with an Absent Father, Overly-Bonded with Mother, Alone Life (no family or friends in which to guide me) or a Wounded Heart. Once I pick one, I am to explain why I chose that one, and eventually I am to essentially face my hurt and in some way reconcile with it so that, well so that I can be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
This will be a hard task for me. I guess this is more akin to counseling services in a way. But as a guy, we don't particularly share our feelings. We don't dig deep and get in touch with our fluffy pink fuzzy feelings, with our happy places. So essentially I have to be man enough to go to my place that has butterflies and rainbows and gumdrop raindrops and bunnies and sunshine. So once I do that, I need to figure out what is most effecting me. Something that I know I have a hard time getting past. There's one thing that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, whether it be in the most insignificant detail or the most devastating hurt.
My Ex, her Parents, and my divorce which includes taking my son away from me and not allowing me ANY form of time whether that be through letters, Skype, phone or email.
But how do I pursue that knowing that more than likely she won't respond? I remember watching T.V. once about prison inmates once. And they were basically doing the same. Reconciling with certain people or events from their past to get down to the core of why they are in jail to begin with. Some had issues with their fathers, but their fathers were already dead and gone. So they wrote letters to their pops anyway, but basically got everything out of their system. Maybe I'll do that. I mean we have been divorced for a little over 2 years, but the hurt, anger, and wounds of our hearts are still fresh. I already see in my head what I would write. Words laced with literature poison. I'm quite sure that my emotions would surface as I recount all of the things she did, that they did, that harmed me, my son, our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationship now. Maybe I shouldn't send her anything.
Maybe I'll just pick some other random thing to talk about. After all my father wasn't there sometimes, as such my Mother was always there and I never really had a older male figure to bond with. I won't say that I was alone in my life. We always hung out with some of our uncles and aunts who were around our age anyway.
What am I going to do?
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