I had another dream last night about my Ex. Why do I still dream of her. Why must I be reminded of her. It's like I'm being forced to remember her. I don't remember a lot, it's so cloudy and blurry.
I was trapped with her. In some room or just.....attached somehow. It was almost as if we were traveling together, and we spent the night/day in a hotel room, or we were camping out in the woods. Whatever the case was, since I don't remember how we were together, we were together. We talked. In the dream it was after our divorce. Apparently we had been separated for a while. I remember her talking about her parents. I'm guessing the role they played in our divorce or their presence in her actions in not allowing me to have any contact with our son. I think she was apologizing. I remember her telling me that she was going to allow him in my life again (s/n which is something she has promised before and never committed to). I think she mentioned that her parents wouldn't have much say so about our son anymore and maybe being involved in her life so strongly. I remember feeling peace in the dream. I was hopeful. I felt like progress would be made finally. In the dream I believe that once we finished talking, we were going to go see my son, so obviously I was excited. I think we were around a campfire, but it was like..... I don't know. Anyway, I wake up.
I'm at a low right now. A spiritual and emotional low. I've gotten to the point that I've said "Screw her! Just forget her!" I see pictures of her and I think "I can't believe I was married to that. I've wasted time, money, emotions on this?! What was I thinking? I endured all of her misplaced anger. Endured physical hurt. Endured emotional distress. And for what? So that we can get divorced, for which I still have no real answer as to why she left me and snatched our son"
It's one of the greatest things to snuggle up to a good woman during the night. To hear her soft breathings in your ear. To feel her warm breath cascading down your neck. You feel her fingers dance across your back as she holds you, tracing her fingers along your spine as if she's memorizing every feature about you. I know that I'm speaking literally in the physical, but I'm asking you to look past that and see the emotional. These physical traits are hints of the love deep down within her that she has for you (or me).
A small part of me thinks of ways to make her suffer emotionally. Show her what she has been putting me through these past 4 years. Let my pain and anger come to the surface and let my wrath control me. For those few minutes I relish in it. Then I come to my senses, hang my head low and my shoulders droop.
I can't make her suffer. I'm not able to. I don't posses the streak in me to make her suffer.
Her mother once said that I have the Spirit of Mercy dwelling within me. Whether that be true or if that's another one of their talking as if they know everything, I know not. But this I will say is true. As much as she angers me in willingly keeping my son away from me. There's two things that keep me from losing control.
I remember the bible teaching forgiveness and mercy. It states it time and time again. I'm controlled by that. Regardless of what she does, I always have to have mercy and forgive her. I also have already given it to God. Which means that I can't touch the situation. If I make a move, I screw up everything.
I'm naturally a calm and nonchalant kind of guy, and I don't wish any hurt or harm towards anyone (with the exception of the few times I allow myself a few minutes of emotional wrath towards her). Wouldn't serve me any purpose. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to spend the rest of my life running from the cops or go from Cornelius to Cornelia (Co-Co for short) in prison somewhere. So I keep being patient, trying to forgive her, and having mercy.
So. Screw her. I still can't figure out how someone who professes to be a Christian can treat others unchristian-like.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
I took the practice test! 3-26-12
Ok so the guy told me to come in on this past Thursday at 9:30. I got there at about 9:31 to 9:32 at the latest. The lights were off and the door locked. I waited at the door for about an hour. No one showed. I left and came back about 3 or 4 times, closed. So I figure, I'll try another location next week. So I go to this other office today at South Dekalb Mall and was able to get started. I've been taking the practice test online and have passed pretty regularly, but this test here......I failed it by 3 points. I needed to have had scored a 50 or above to pass, but I got a 47. :(
After my non taking test from Thursday, I told some of my coworkers, who basically said, "That's a sign". I can understand why they say it's a sign. And I am used to living life by "signs", but I have started asking myself at what point do you consider something a sign as opposed to just some random coincidence? Is everything a sign? When should one, whose living spiritually, consider something a sign. What do you look for? I guess my major problem is that my family in general, well we just don't really venture that far from what is ordinary to us. There's not a lot that we have done or experienced. We are "safe". So if anything to the smallest degree happened if we were to move outside of our safe box, we would immediately run to it's shelter and call it a sign (at least in my view, I could be wrong). So me taking this step, well it's a big step for me. And since the office was closed on Thursday, I was inclined to give up and not pursue my dream, looking for any excuse to tuck my tail in and whimper. However I still ask, how does one define what exactly a sign is? Aren't there times in life where we must forge ahead despite the negative? What is the old saying? "If you try and don't succeed, try, try, again?" Why is it at times we say that life is filled with ups and downs and that when we fall we have to get up, dust our pants off and keep going, yet other times we stop all things in the name of a sign?
Is a sign supposed to guide you? Or is it supposed to stop you? If it guides you, will it tell you in what direction in which to go, or will it leave you hanging?
I don't discount signs at all, it's just that at this point in my life, I'm not willing to look at everything "negative" as being signs to stop moving forward. I believe in signs truthfully. If I don't move forward, I remain as I am right now.
Nothing.
I'm so ready to leave. So ready for a difference. Ready to live life on my terms (as opposed to what others desire of me). It's just like the cars I've purchased in the past. The first car that I purchased was because of my age in relation to what insurance would have cost me. The second car I purchased was for my Ex. I have never purchased a car just because it was a car that I really wanted. Same thing goes for this decision. I made it because it is what I want. It feels liberating!
After my non taking test from Thursday, I told some of my coworkers, who basically said, "That's a sign". I can understand why they say it's a sign. And I am used to living life by "signs", but I have started asking myself at what point do you consider something a sign as opposed to just some random coincidence? Is everything a sign? When should one, whose living spiritually, consider something a sign. What do you look for? I guess my major problem is that my family in general, well we just don't really venture that far from what is ordinary to us. There's not a lot that we have done or experienced. We are "safe". So if anything to the smallest degree happened if we were to move outside of our safe box, we would immediately run to it's shelter and call it a sign (at least in my view, I could be wrong). So me taking this step, well it's a big step for me. And since the office was closed on Thursday, I was inclined to give up and not pursue my dream, looking for any excuse to tuck my tail in and whimper. However I still ask, how does one define what exactly a sign is? Aren't there times in life where we must forge ahead despite the negative? What is the old saying? "If you try and don't succeed, try, try, again?" Why is it at times we say that life is filled with ups and downs and that when we fall we have to get up, dust our pants off and keep going, yet other times we stop all things in the name of a sign?
Is a sign supposed to guide you? Or is it supposed to stop you? If it guides you, will it tell you in what direction in which to go, or will it leave you hanging?
I don't discount signs at all, it's just that at this point in my life, I'm not willing to look at everything "negative" as being signs to stop moving forward. I believe in signs truthfully. If I don't move forward, I remain as I am right now.
Nothing.
I'm so ready to leave. So ready for a difference. Ready to live life on my terms (as opposed to what others desire of me). It's just like the cars I've purchased in the past. The first car that I purchased was because of my age in relation to what insurance would have cost me. The second car I purchased was for my Ex. I have never purchased a car just because it was a car that I really wanted. Same thing goes for this decision. I made it because it is what I want. It feels liberating!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I've made changes! 03/11/2012
I'm having to work out now. I have to be able to complete I believe about 50 pushups in 2 minutes, 50 pullups in 2 minutes, and run a mile and a half in 12 minutes and 15 seconds. Course that's when I graduate. I've made a decision that no one expected me to do.
You ever wonder....... well course then again I can't vouch for everyone, I'll just say that in my experience, we depend on God but it seems as though most times it's for financial issues. Like we need to make just enough money to pay this bill, or we need just enough money for enough gas to make it one more day, or whatever along those lines. We call on Him and ask for help in other matters as well such as maybe a loved one is going through some mess and needs some strength, or maybe our teenager is going through that time of his/her life and they are always angry so as a parent we pray for them. But what else do we ask God for help for? If God is all powerful, which we know Him to be, why is it that we settle for.....life? Why can't life settle for us? Why should we live paycheck to paycheck? Is there a way to be too humble? Does that manner of being too humble allow others to walk all over you?
I made a decision. A decision that I wanted to make back when I was in my early 20's. At the time I got scared and didn't chase it. Then years later I met someone who would soon become my Ex and snatch my child to AZ. Now where am I at? I'm 30 years old and not satisfied with my life. I thank God for my job. I've been employed for 15 year this coming June. My current title is "Supervisor". My actual role is cashier. I make I believe 13.90 an hour, I've got full benefits, granted access to 401k, along with health, dental, and vision insurance, guaranteed 40 hours a week. And yet, I'm not satisfied with my life. I thank God for all of that. Let me just say, 13.90 is not enough to take care of your responsibilities. It's one thing if you're single and have no kids or a significant other to worry about. You're doing ok. But with responsibilities, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. So I'm making drastic changes.
My eyes long to see the sights as I sit in the middle of a Japanese intersection during morning rush hour. They wish to see the landscapes of Hawaii, and the countryside of Australia. I wish to see a gorgeous Italian woman, and turn a few female heads in the U.K. all because they think my American accent is so beautiful, and while I'm there, have at a plate of authentic fish and chips.
When I was no more than a year and a half, I told my mother (after I had escaped from the apartment and was standing on the sidewalk of a busy street- a story you HAVE to hear from my mother and grandmother!) "You see those cars and trucks? They're going places, and one day I'm gonna go places too." That desire still reigns within me. I want to see this world. I want to see what God made.
You all pray my strength in the Lord.
You ever wonder....... well course then again I can't vouch for everyone, I'll just say that in my experience, we depend on God but it seems as though most times it's for financial issues. Like we need to make just enough money to pay this bill, or we need just enough money for enough gas to make it one more day, or whatever along those lines. We call on Him and ask for help in other matters as well such as maybe a loved one is going through some mess and needs some strength, or maybe our teenager is going through that time of his/her life and they are always angry so as a parent we pray for them. But what else do we ask God for help for? If God is all powerful, which we know Him to be, why is it that we settle for.....life? Why can't life settle for us? Why should we live paycheck to paycheck? Is there a way to be too humble? Does that manner of being too humble allow others to walk all over you?
I made a decision. A decision that I wanted to make back when I was in my early 20's. At the time I got scared and didn't chase it. Then years later I met someone who would soon become my Ex and snatch my child to AZ. Now where am I at? I'm 30 years old and not satisfied with my life. I thank God for my job. I've been employed for 15 year this coming June. My current title is "Supervisor". My actual role is cashier. I make I believe 13.90 an hour, I've got full benefits, granted access to 401k, along with health, dental, and vision insurance, guaranteed 40 hours a week. And yet, I'm not satisfied with my life. I thank God for all of that. Let me just say, 13.90 is not enough to take care of your responsibilities. It's one thing if you're single and have no kids or a significant other to worry about. You're doing ok. But with responsibilities, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. So I'm making drastic changes.
My eyes long to see the sights as I sit in the middle of a Japanese intersection during morning rush hour. They wish to see the landscapes of Hawaii, and the countryside of Australia. I wish to see a gorgeous Italian woman, and turn a few female heads in the U.K. all because they think my American accent is so beautiful, and while I'm there, have at a plate of authentic fish and chips.
When I was no more than a year and a half, I told my mother (after I had escaped from the apartment and was standing on the sidewalk of a busy street- a story you HAVE to hear from my mother and grandmother!) "You see those cars and trucks? They're going places, and one day I'm gonna go places too." That desire still reigns within me. I want to see this world. I want to see what God made.
You all pray my strength in the Lord.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Where are the real Christians? 02/19/2012
Why does it seem as though the ones who screw you over call themselves "saved" and Christian? Why is it that they are the ones who continue to make promises of change, yet revert back to whatever actions they had from before? Why is it that they are the ones looking down on us/you with their heads in the air all prideful, as if they know everything, and what they do is not wrong or of any offense?
Why do I keep forgiving her? Why do I continue to allow her to screw me? And if I have really forgiven her, why do I feel so much anger towards her now?
I long to be near the water, in a foreign country, allowed to be left alone. I'd be surrounded by the chatterings of the birds and the murmur of the waters near me. I'd fish and hunt for food. I'd build my house with my own two hands. I'd be known in the community as an honest and good man, yet no one would dare to bother me out of respect and of the unknown. I wouldn't have a cell phone or any direct line with the outside world. I wouldn't have to deal with my Baby Momma (Ex Wife) and her actions and I'd have to spend the rest of my days dealing with the fact that I more than likely she will never let me be involved in my sons life, whether by phone or letter, or picture, or in a hug.
I'd start over
.
Just me and God.
Why do I keep forgiving her? Why do I continue to allow her to screw me? And if I have really forgiven her, why do I feel so much anger towards her now?
I long to be near the water, in a foreign country, allowed to be left alone. I'd be surrounded by the chatterings of the birds and the murmur of the waters near me. I'd fish and hunt for food. I'd build my house with my own two hands. I'd be known in the community as an honest and good man, yet no one would dare to bother me out of respect and of the unknown. I wouldn't have a cell phone or any direct line with the outside world. I wouldn't have to deal with my Baby Momma (Ex Wife) and her actions and I'd have to spend the rest of my days dealing with the fact that I more than likely she will never let me be involved in my sons life, whether by phone or letter, or picture, or in a hug.
I'd start over
.
Just me and God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)