Out of the mouth of babes with the truth be spoken 11.05.13

It's so easy to misunderstand something, especially when you're going through a divorce or dealing with the Baby Momma. So easy to get angry, I mean after all, this was the one person that said they loved you. I didn't want my dealings with her to be with anger, or mistrust. So I've always tried to kind of hold back on the emotions. Show mercy whenever possible. Whatever I could do to not see her in a negative light, I tried to do with the best of my ability. In fact the one thing I've tried not to face in dealing with her, is that she doesn't want me involved with our son. With two simple sentences, my son has caused me to deal with what I didn't want to.
That she and her family really don't want me involved in his life.
Surprisingly I'm fairly calm about this verbal acknowledgement. What can I do except accept it?

Crossroads 9-27-13

Here I stand at the juncture of "What I was Taught Road" and "Was that Really Right Lane".
I've re-read some of my earlier posts and, granted I haven't been on in a while, but life has gotten deep for me.

I haven't spoken to my firstborn since August of last year. Granted I still make the calls, I still email her times I am available, I still leave the voice mails, I still get no response. I ask what school does he go to, no response. I say "well summer is coming, when is a good time to come through and see him, I'll be driving", no response. It's an......emotional......not sure I like that, psychological? No I don't like that either. Technological brick wall. That's better. If I was asked, do I still love her even still. I'd say somewhat. I was married to her. She was my all. I told her things my own mother wouldn't have known about me. She was, not my first love, but MY love. She will always have a place in my heart.

But I'm not crazy either. Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, not me, not this one here.

I've got a girlfriend. We have a year old son (I refuse to say 13 month, and the time it takes to vocally express "a year and a month" my hair could turn gray, js.) Lemme tell you HE IS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! His name is Noah (I didn't plan on having another child, especially one with a name that starts with the letter "N"). He looks just like Najee at times. Sometimes when his head is turned at the right angle, and his facial expression is just right, I can't help but saying "Wow, looks just like my 1st". My girlfriend has two other kids that I have been involved with for the past two years. I LOVE em! ESPECIALLY the girl. She's MY girl. If ANYONE hurts her, and please forgive me for this moment of hoodness, Imma have ta shank em with my pinky fanga! The boy is 6, the girl is just about 3.

Me and my girlfriend have been talking about marriage, and moving in and whatnot.
But "WAIT" you exclaim! How are you able to have a girlfriend AND get married?!
I'm glad you asked. Here's why. And this is where the juncture begins.

Tara isn't coming back. I know this. I accept this. I'm not totally fine with it since I would have rather worked things out, but hey, it is what it is. When I got divorced, I was......28 I believe. Young man. Young sexually needy man. Wasn't right, but I was missing her, missing a woman. So yea, I had sex. Fast forward to roughly 22 months ago and a child was created.
According to how I was raised, once you were married you were married. That's it. Done. Final. No return. No exchanges. Not even with a receipt. Stuck. More specifically, in God's eyes, that was it. You could get a divorce in the natural sense, but in the spiritual sense, it's still all over for you. You just happen to be married to someone who doesn't love back like they used to. Now from my understanding, the only way a divorce could be legit in both the natural and spiritual sense, is if one cheated. Now I make this very clear, I NEVER cheated on my wife while we were together. So just to make this simple, she divorced me in the natural sense, I made it legit in the spiritual sense by being with another woman. My Mom still scolds and lectures me about being with my girlfriend. She wants me to make things work out with Tara. I say screw that! She's not coming back. I understand and accept it. SHE left me, NOT the other way around.
With that being said, there's only a handful of scriptures that pertain to marriage. What if there's more to it? Am I really supposed to not be with anyone else at all, remain single for the rest of my life because according to God I'm still married in the Spiritual sense? My Girl is a GOOD woman. She FEEDS me! Tara cooked 3 times in the 2 years we were together, and one won't count because it was a cold Pop-Tart clattering on a plate. I have a gut now. I'm actually working out now to get rid of it. Something I've never had to do before. She's good with the kids. Decent with her finances. Great relationship with her parents, more specifically her Moms. She never denies the father of her kids the kids. He can always come through and pick them up. She supports me when she can, when she needs to, emotionally. ESPECIALLY when it concerns my EX. That's most important to me. She's been a great wife to me even as a girlfriend. I love her. I love my son. I love my other two kids.

I've been questioning my spiritual self. Rather the teachings I was brought up on. I haven't gone to church in say a year. I'm confused spiritually. I know the kind of faith I had before, ESPECIALLY when I did my fasts. I wonder now if the churches teachings I grew up on was kind of a stepping stone to something bigger and better? I don't have a home church anymore. I want to experience something else, yet I'm not sure what I'm looking for.

Maybe I'll cross the street at some point.

Be good. Be Christians. Grow. Pray for me.

The chains of Divorce- 12.13.12

I dreamed about her again the other night. I don't understand it. I accept the fact that she's gone. I accept that she has no love for me. Fine. My only link to her is our son. I love our son. I miss him dearly. He is the only one that I'm trying to keep some sense of relationship with. With him it's because He's part of me. My first born. With her, it's because I have to. So why is it that in my dreams I rarely see him, rather I dream of her more often? It's like I'm still connected to her, still able to feel her. I feel her emotions sometimes, in my dreams. I see her face in the dream, or rather her face is shrouded with emotion.

She had her own place. Like an apartment. I walked in and I could feel from her that she didn't want me there. She didn't feel like dealing with me. Or rather she didn't like me having access so freely with our son. It was like two north poles of a magnet, whenever I got close to her she would move and go to another room. I caught a glimpse of her face, or rather non-face. It's hard to explain. She was wearing regular clothes, more than likely a t-shirt and some jeans, but when looking at her it was like she was wearing a cloak you'd see in some mid evil movie, or a shroud of some sort. I couldn't really see her face, it was covered in darkness. Rather there was no face but where a face should have been, dark clouds swirled in her face, contained only by the cloak or hoodie covering she wore. In looking at her face I could feel the emotions that she was hiding. I felt from her a great sadness, deep hurt, maybe hints of depression. She never said anything to me in this dream, just quick glances. Anyway I wasn't there for her, I was there for our son. I was excited to be there and finally see him. So I walked down the hallway and found him in the bathroom taking a bath. But he was playing around and once he saw me decided that he was done. Some how I knew She told him to take a bath, and being me, I backed her decision for him to take a bath. So I kinda got on to him lightly, told him to spend and extra 10 minutes in the tub, then he would be done.  The contrast between both was weird. She was filled with complete sadness, and he was normal, happy almost. The apartment look pretty decent, but the whole dream had a grayish or sepia color too it. Kinda like watching Silent hill.



I dreamed of her father and mother last night. It's all cloudy, but I do remember going to each and asking "Where is my son?", crying when I asked her father, I believe.

Reconciliing my past: 05/08/12

So I have been going to this center for a few months now. This center is bible based, so we learn about the bible, who Jesus is and what He wants. We learn about giving our life to Christ and what that means. Basically who we are as Christians. Aside from that, we have been given a short run down of what the bible is, some of it's teachings, the reason why we know it's true, etc....  So far it's been an okay experience, although I will say that I have learned a few things that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. So I go to my appointment yesterday and I have this homework I need to complete. I think I will have a hard time completing it.
For the past month, I've been watching at the Center a DVD that deals with Manhood and a wounded heart. The basic understanding being that your past effects you in the future. It also effects those who you love around you. So my homework deals with this. I am to look at my past and figure out if my hurts deal with an Absent Father, Overly-Bonded with Mother, Alone Life (no family or friends in which to guide me) or a Wounded Heart. Once I pick one, I am to explain why I chose that one, and eventually I am to essentially face my hurt and in some way reconcile with it so that, well so that I can be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
This will be a hard task for me. I guess this is more akin to counseling services in a way. But as a guy, we don't particularly share our feelings. We don't dig deep and get in touch with our fluffy pink fuzzy feelings, with our happy places. So essentially I have to be man enough to go to my place that has butterflies and rainbows and gumdrop raindrops and bunnies and sunshine. So once I do that, I need to figure out what is most effecting me. Something that I know I have a hard time getting past. There's one thing that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, whether it be in the most insignificant detail or the most devastating hurt.

My Ex, her Parents, and my divorce which includes taking my son away from me and not allowing me ANY form of time whether that be through letters, Skype, phone or email.

But how do I pursue that knowing that more than likely she won't respond? I remember watching T.V. once about prison inmates once. And they were basically doing the same. Reconciling with certain people or events from their past to get down to the core of why they are in jail to begin with. Some had issues with their fathers, but their fathers were already dead and gone. So they wrote letters to their pops anyway, but basically got everything out of their system. Maybe I'll do that. I mean we have been divorced for a little over 2 years, but the hurt, anger, and wounds of our hearts are still fresh. I already see in my head what I would write. Words laced with literature poison. I'm quite sure that my emotions would surface as I recount all of the things she did, that they did, that harmed me, my son, our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationship now. Maybe I shouldn't send her anything.
Maybe I'll just pick some other random thing to talk about. After all my father wasn't there sometimes, as such my Mother was always there and I never really had a older male figure to bond with. I won't say that I was alone in my life. We always hung out with some of our uncles and aunts who were around our age anyway.

What am I going to do?