I dreamed about her again the other night. I don't understand it. I accept the fact that she's gone. I accept that she has no love for me. Fine. My only link to her is our son. I love our son. I miss him dearly. He is the only one that I'm trying to keep some sense of relationship with. With him it's because He's part of me. My first born. With her, it's because I have to. So why is it that in my dreams I rarely see him, rather I dream of her more often? It's like I'm still connected to her, still able to feel her. I feel her emotions sometimes, in my dreams. I see her face in the dream, or rather her face is shrouded with emotion.
She had her own place. Like an apartment. I walked in and I could feel from her that she didn't want me there. She didn't feel like dealing with me. Or rather she didn't like me having access so freely with our son. It was like two north poles of a magnet, whenever I got close to her she would move and go to another room. I caught a glimpse of her face, or rather non-face. It's hard to explain. She was wearing regular clothes, more than likely a t-shirt and some jeans, but when looking at her it was like she was wearing a cloak you'd see in some mid evil movie, or a shroud of some sort. I couldn't really see her face, it was covered in darkness. Rather there was no face but where a face should have been, dark clouds swirled in her face, contained only by the cloak or hoodie covering she wore. In looking at her face I could feel the emotions that she was hiding. I felt from her a great sadness, deep hurt, maybe hints of depression. She never said anything to me in this dream, just quick glances. Anyway I wasn't there for her, I was there for our son. I was excited to be there and finally see him. So I walked down the hallway and found him in the bathroom taking a bath. But he was playing around and once he saw me decided that he was done. Some how I knew She told him to take a bath, and being me, I backed her decision for him to take a bath. So I kinda got on to him lightly, told him to spend and extra 10 minutes in the tub, then he would be done. The contrast between both was weird. She was filled with complete sadness, and he was normal, happy almost. The apartment look pretty decent, but the whole dream had a grayish or sepia color too it. Kinda like watching Silent hill.
I dreamed of her father and mother last night. It's all cloudy, but I do remember going to each and asking "Where is my son?", crying when I asked her father, I believe.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Reconciliing my past: 05/08/12
So I have been going to this center for a few months now. This center is bible based, so we learn about the bible, who Jesus is and what He wants. We learn about giving our life to Christ and what that means. Basically who we are as Christians. Aside from that, we have been given a short run down of what the bible is, some of it's teachings, the reason why we know it's true, etc.... So far it's been an okay experience, although I will say that I have learned a few things that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. So I go to my appointment yesterday and I have this homework I need to complete. I think I will have a hard time completing it.
For the past month, I've been watching at the Center a DVD that deals with Manhood and a wounded heart. The basic understanding being that your past effects you in the future. It also effects those who you love around you. So my homework deals with this. I am to look at my past and figure out if my hurts deal with an Absent Father, Overly-Bonded with Mother, Alone Life (no family or friends in which to guide me) or a Wounded Heart. Once I pick one, I am to explain why I chose that one, and eventually I am to essentially face my hurt and in some way reconcile with it so that, well so that I can be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
This will be a hard task for me. I guess this is more akin to counseling services in a way. But as a guy, we don't particularly share our feelings. We don't dig deep and get in touch with our fluffy pink fuzzy feelings, with our happy places. So essentially I have to be man enough to go to my place that has butterflies and rainbows and gumdrop raindrops and bunnies and sunshine. So once I do that, I need to figure out what is most effecting me. Something that I know I have a hard time getting past. There's one thing that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, whether it be in the most insignificant detail or the most devastating hurt.
My Ex, her Parents, and my divorce which includes taking my son away from me and not allowing me ANY form of time whether that be through letters, Skype, phone or email.
But how do I pursue that knowing that more than likely she won't respond? I remember watching T.V. once about prison inmates once. And they were basically doing the same. Reconciling with certain people or events from their past to get down to the core of why they are in jail to begin with. Some had issues with their fathers, but their fathers were already dead and gone. So they wrote letters to their pops anyway, but basically got everything out of their system. Maybe I'll do that. I mean we have been divorced for a little over 2 years, but the hurt, anger, and wounds of our hearts are still fresh. I already see in my head what I would write. Words laced with literature poison. I'm quite sure that my emotions would surface as I recount all of the things she did, that they did, that harmed me, my son, our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationship now. Maybe I shouldn't send her anything.
Maybe I'll just pick some other random thing to talk about. After all my father wasn't there sometimes, as such my Mother was always there and I never really had a older male figure to bond with. I won't say that I was alone in my life. We always hung out with some of our uncles and aunts who were around our age anyway.
What am I going to do?
For the past month, I've been watching at the Center a DVD that deals with Manhood and a wounded heart. The basic understanding being that your past effects you in the future. It also effects those who you love around you. So my homework deals with this. I am to look at my past and figure out if my hurts deal with an Absent Father, Overly-Bonded with Mother, Alone Life (no family or friends in which to guide me) or a Wounded Heart. Once I pick one, I am to explain why I chose that one, and eventually I am to essentially face my hurt and in some way reconcile with it so that, well so that I can be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
This will be a hard task for me. I guess this is more akin to counseling services in a way. But as a guy, we don't particularly share our feelings. We don't dig deep and get in touch with our fluffy pink fuzzy feelings, with our happy places. So essentially I have to be man enough to go to my place that has butterflies and rainbows and gumdrop raindrops and bunnies and sunshine. So once I do that, I need to figure out what is most effecting me. Something that I know I have a hard time getting past. There's one thing that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, whether it be in the most insignificant detail or the most devastating hurt.
My Ex, her Parents, and my divorce which includes taking my son away from me and not allowing me ANY form of time whether that be through letters, Skype, phone or email.
But how do I pursue that knowing that more than likely she won't respond? I remember watching T.V. once about prison inmates once. And they were basically doing the same. Reconciling with certain people or events from their past to get down to the core of why they are in jail to begin with. Some had issues with their fathers, but their fathers were already dead and gone. So they wrote letters to their pops anyway, but basically got everything out of their system. Maybe I'll do that. I mean we have been divorced for a little over 2 years, but the hurt, anger, and wounds of our hearts are still fresh. I already see in my head what I would write. Words laced with literature poison. I'm quite sure that my emotions would surface as I recount all of the things she did, that they did, that harmed me, my son, our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationship now. Maybe I shouldn't send her anything.
Maybe I'll just pick some other random thing to talk about. After all my father wasn't there sometimes, as such my Mother was always there and I never really had a older male figure to bond with. I won't say that I was alone in my life. We always hung out with some of our uncles and aunts who were around our age anyway.
What am I going to do?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I was stuck with her- 04/12/12
I had another dream last night about my Ex. Why do I still dream of her. Why must I be reminded of her. It's like I'm being forced to remember her. I don't remember a lot, it's so cloudy and blurry.
I was trapped with her. In some room or just.....attached somehow. It was almost as if we were traveling together, and we spent the night/day in a hotel room, or we were camping out in the woods. Whatever the case was, since I don't remember how we were together, we were together. We talked. In the dream it was after our divorce. Apparently we had been separated for a while. I remember her talking about her parents. I'm guessing the role they played in our divorce or their presence in her actions in not allowing me to have any contact with our son. I think she was apologizing. I remember her telling me that she was going to allow him in my life again (s/n which is something she has promised before and never committed to). I think she mentioned that her parents wouldn't have much say so about our son anymore and maybe being involved in her life so strongly. I remember feeling peace in the dream. I was hopeful. I felt like progress would be made finally. In the dream I believe that once we finished talking, we were going to go see my son, so obviously I was excited. I think we were around a campfire, but it was like..... I don't know. Anyway, I wake up.
I'm at a low right now. A spiritual and emotional low. I've gotten to the point that I've said "Screw her! Just forget her!" I see pictures of her and I think "I can't believe I was married to that. I've wasted time, money, emotions on this?! What was I thinking? I endured all of her misplaced anger. Endured physical hurt. Endured emotional distress. And for what? So that we can get divorced, for which I still have no real answer as to why she left me and snatched our son"
It's one of the greatest things to snuggle up to a good woman during the night. To hear her soft breathings in your ear. To feel her warm breath cascading down your neck. You feel her fingers dance across your back as she holds you, tracing her fingers along your spine as if she's memorizing every feature about you. I know that I'm speaking literally in the physical, but I'm asking you to look past that and see the emotional. These physical traits are hints of the love deep down within her that she has for you (or me).
A small part of me thinks of ways to make her suffer emotionally. Show her what she has been putting me through these past 4 years. Let my pain and anger come to the surface and let my wrath control me. For those few minutes I relish in it. Then I come to my senses, hang my head low and my shoulders droop.
I can't make her suffer. I'm not able to. I don't posses the streak in me to make her suffer.
Her mother once said that I have the Spirit of Mercy dwelling within me. Whether that be true or if that's another one of their talking as if they know everything, I know not. But this I will say is true. As much as she angers me in willingly keeping my son away from me. There's two things that keep me from losing control.
I remember the bible teaching forgiveness and mercy. It states it time and time again. I'm controlled by that. Regardless of what she does, I always have to have mercy and forgive her. I also have already given it to God. Which means that I can't touch the situation. If I make a move, I screw up everything.
I'm naturally a calm and nonchalant kind of guy, and I don't wish any hurt or harm towards anyone (with the exception of the few times I allow myself a few minutes of emotional wrath towards her). Wouldn't serve me any purpose. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to spend the rest of my life running from the cops or go from Cornelius to Cornelia (Co-Co for short) in prison somewhere. So I keep being patient, trying to forgive her, and having mercy.
So. Screw her. I still can't figure out how someone who professes to be a Christian can treat others unchristian-like.
I was trapped with her. In some room or just.....attached somehow. It was almost as if we were traveling together, and we spent the night/day in a hotel room, or we were camping out in the woods. Whatever the case was, since I don't remember how we were together, we were together. We talked. In the dream it was after our divorce. Apparently we had been separated for a while. I remember her talking about her parents. I'm guessing the role they played in our divorce or their presence in her actions in not allowing me to have any contact with our son. I think she was apologizing. I remember her telling me that she was going to allow him in my life again (s/n which is something she has promised before and never committed to). I think she mentioned that her parents wouldn't have much say so about our son anymore and maybe being involved in her life so strongly. I remember feeling peace in the dream. I was hopeful. I felt like progress would be made finally. In the dream I believe that once we finished talking, we were going to go see my son, so obviously I was excited. I think we were around a campfire, but it was like..... I don't know. Anyway, I wake up.
I'm at a low right now. A spiritual and emotional low. I've gotten to the point that I've said "Screw her! Just forget her!" I see pictures of her and I think "I can't believe I was married to that. I've wasted time, money, emotions on this?! What was I thinking? I endured all of her misplaced anger. Endured physical hurt. Endured emotional distress. And for what? So that we can get divorced, for which I still have no real answer as to why she left me and snatched our son"
It's one of the greatest things to snuggle up to a good woman during the night. To hear her soft breathings in your ear. To feel her warm breath cascading down your neck. You feel her fingers dance across your back as she holds you, tracing her fingers along your spine as if she's memorizing every feature about you. I know that I'm speaking literally in the physical, but I'm asking you to look past that and see the emotional. These physical traits are hints of the love deep down within her that she has for you (or me).
A small part of me thinks of ways to make her suffer emotionally. Show her what she has been putting me through these past 4 years. Let my pain and anger come to the surface and let my wrath control me. For those few minutes I relish in it. Then I come to my senses, hang my head low and my shoulders droop.
I can't make her suffer. I'm not able to. I don't posses the streak in me to make her suffer.
Her mother once said that I have the Spirit of Mercy dwelling within me. Whether that be true or if that's another one of their talking as if they know everything, I know not. But this I will say is true. As much as she angers me in willingly keeping my son away from me. There's two things that keep me from losing control.
I remember the bible teaching forgiveness and mercy. It states it time and time again. I'm controlled by that. Regardless of what she does, I always have to have mercy and forgive her. I also have already given it to God. Which means that I can't touch the situation. If I make a move, I screw up everything.
I'm naturally a calm and nonchalant kind of guy, and I don't wish any hurt or harm towards anyone (with the exception of the few times I allow myself a few minutes of emotional wrath towards her). Wouldn't serve me any purpose. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to spend the rest of my life running from the cops or go from Cornelius to Cornelia (Co-Co for short) in prison somewhere. So I keep being patient, trying to forgive her, and having mercy.
So. Screw her. I still can't figure out how someone who professes to be a Christian can treat others unchristian-like.
Monday, March 26, 2012
I took the practice test! 3-26-12
Ok so the guy told me to come in on this past Thursday at 9:30. I got there at about 9:31 to 9:32 at the latest. The lights were off and the door locked. I waited at the door for about an hour. No one showed. I left and came back about 3 or 4 times, closed. So I figure, I'll try another location next week. So I go to this other office today at South Dekalb Mall and was able to get started. I've been taking the practice test online and have passed pretty regularly, but this test here......I failed it by 3 points. I needed to have had scored a 50 or above to pass, but I got a 47. :(
After my non taking test from Thursday, I told some of my coworkers, who basically said, "That's a sign". I can understand why they say it's a sign. And I am used to living life by "signs", but I have started asking myself at what point do you consider something a sign as opposed to just some random coincidence? Is everything a sign? When should one, whose living spiritually, consider something a sign. What do you look for? I guess my major problem is that my family in general, well we just don't really venture that far from what is ordinary to us. There's not a lot that we have done or experienced. We are "safe". So if anything to the smallest degree happened if we were to move outside of our safe box, we would immediately run to it's shelter and call it a sign (at least in my view, I could be wrong). So me taking this step, well it's a big step for me. And since the office was closed on Thursday, I was inclined to give up and not pursue my dream, looking for any excuse to tuck my tail in and whimper. However I still ask, how does one define what exactly a sign is? Aren't there times in life where we must forge ahead despite the negative? What is the old saying? "If you try and don't succeed, try, try, again?" Why is it at times we say that life is filled with ups and downs and that when we fall we have to get up, dust our pants off and keep going, yet other times we stop all things in the name of a sign?
Is a sign supposed to guide you? Or is it supposed to stop you? If it guides you, will it tell you in what direction in which to go, or will it leave you hanging?
I don't discount signs at all, it's just that at this point in my life, I'm not willing to look at everything "negative" as being signs to stop moving forward. I believe in signs truthfully. If I don't move forward, I remain as I am right now.
Nothing.
I'm so ready to leave. So ready for a difference. Ready to live life on my terms (as opposed to what others desire of me). It's just like the cars I've purchased in the past. The first car that I purchased was because of my age in relation to what insurance would have cost me. The second car I purchased was for my Ex. I have never purchased a car just because it was a car that I really wanted. Same thing goes for this decision. I made it because it is what I want. It feels liberating!
After my non taking test from Thursday, I told some of my coworkers, who basically said, "That's a sign". I can understand why they say it's a sign. And I am used to living life by "signs", but I have started asking myself at what point do you consider something a sign as opposed to just some random coincidence? Is everything a sign? When should one, whose living spiritually, consider something a sign. What do you look for? I guess my major problem is that my family in general, well we just don't really venture that far from what is ordinary to us. There's not a lot that we have done or experienced. We are "safe". So if anything to the smallest degree happened if we were to move outside of our safe box, we would immediately run to it's shelter and call it a sign (at least in my view, I could be wrong). So me taking this step, well it's a big step for me. And since the office was closed on Thursday, I was inclined to give up and not pursue my dream, looking for any excuse to tuck my tail in and whimper. However I still ask, how does one define what exactly a sign is? Aren't there times in life where we must forge ahead despite the negative? What is the old saying? "If you try and don't succeed, try, try, again?" Why is it at times we say that life is filled with ups and downs and that when we fall we have to get up, dust our pants off and keep going, yet other times we stop all things in the name of a sign?
Is a sign supposed to guide you? Or is it supposed to stop you? If it guides you, will it tell you in what direction in which to go, or will it leave you hanging?
I don't discount signs at all, it's just that at this point in my life, I'm not willing to look at everything "negative" as being signs to stop moving forward. I believe in signs truthfully. If I don't move forward, I remain as I am right now.
Nothing.
I'm so ready to leave. So ready for a difference. Ready to live life on my terms (as opposed to what others desire of me). It's just like the cars I've purchased in the past. The first car that I purchased was because of my age in relation to what insurance would have cost me. The second car I purchased was for my Ex. I have never purchased a car just because it was a car that I really wanted. Same thing goes for this decision. I made it because it is what I want. It feels liberating!
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