I used to ask that question all the time, especially during my separation and divorce. In all honesty, I still ask the question sometimes still, yet I have a better understanding of the spiritual aspect. Why do I talk about my divorce all the time? I've never had to deal with drugs or with alcohol. I can't speak on that. I've never had to leave home because of some fight with my parents (at least with my immediate family). I've never had to be involved with the court system in any way negative. I've never put my hands on my wife or my son. In general, according to man, I've lived a pretty decent and clean life. The only thing major that I can hopefully speak on spiritually was my divorce, and all of the emotions that went along with it.
I gotta say, if it weren't for God, I'd be in a really bad place still. I lost......... my whole family. People who said that they would NEVER leave me, that they would love me, and I believed them, ESPECIALLY my Wife who looked me in the eyes so deep that early evening at Stone Mountain Park and said "I'm never going to leave you". My Wife (who took my son). My Father. My Mother. My Brother. My Sister. All In-Laws, all gone, but my family regardless. I lost them all in one vicious swoop of a divorce decree. The coolest thing about God, for me anyway, is that He was there when they left me. I learned then that you can't trust man's promises. He was there when they dropped me like a stranger. He answered me when no one else would. What's even cooler than that, is that during my interaction with my family, I did some things that I should not have done. I stopped having a relationship with Him. I basically stopped praying, stopped reading my bible, I stopped being dedicated to Him. I never really knew how to fast so I never fasted back then. These are things I did, I blame no one else. So the tears can't help but to fall when I think about the fact that it was Him who came to me when I called, when I suffered so much by the tactics my Wife initiated. He answered me as if I had never left Him. When they lied, He was there when I called on Him for peace, and I tell you truthfully within about 5 minutes I had that peace, as if it never happened. I called on Him to figure out how to handle the Ford, having no idea what to do, and He told me just what to do. He guided me when I started bringing an escort with me to help watch my son when I did see him. I can go on with all the things that I had to endure. So many things that were done were just so hurtful, so.... it seemed, spiteful without any reason. I had no experience in dealing with people like that. I used to say "But they are supposed to be Christians. Why would they do this to me?"
Oh yea, I've had plenty of times to say, and I made sure I took the opportunity to say, "WHY ME?!" I had no training in how to be divorced. I only have experiences of how to be married, having at least 6 marriages to pull from, with the youngest marriage now being a few years old. Thank God He pulled me through. Out of my whole family, which includes 12 kids (from my grandparents), about 22 grandkids, and about 6 great grand kids, I am one of the only two that has gone through a divorce. Strangely enough, both of us were married to women who were not in the church (I speak in terms of a home church that was visited every week).
So what do I do now? I pray that God deals with them as He sees fit. I ask that He blesses them as He sees fit. I don't ever tell Him to send down His wrath upon their heads, who am I to request that? I just pray that He allows them to see the error of their ways. I'm WAY more forgiving now than I was say 2 years ago, giving way to peace, yet hoping for next time. No my circumstances haven't changed, yet I'm more forgiving, loving, at peace, and strengthened spiritually than I was before.
I can't do anything but say Thank You Jesus!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
WHY ME?! Part 1
Thats the question that so many of us have asked of ourselves and sometimes of God.
"Why me?"
We ask when things seem to be going every which a way but ours.
"Why me?"
We ask when it seems like the things that we go through are too hard.
"Why me?"
We ask when we have not been trained how to handle the things we go through.
Yet, how bout asking "Why not me?"
Because God saw fit that you could endure what was put on your plate.
"Why not me?"
If God, who made you and knows you better than your own mother or best friend, has faith in you that you would succeed in your trials, why tell Him that He was wrong?
"Why not me?"
Be proud that He finds you worthy to go through, that He finds you to have the strength needed to accomplish the test.
"Why not me?"
You're not living this Christian life for yourself, you're living it for God. So that He gets the glory, so that someone can say "Thank you Jesus", "He's worthy". So that you can say "Look at what God did for me!"
It's simple really. You become prideful, and thankful of enduring trials, spiritual trials, and you can handle them better because you know who the Comforter is. You've got someone you can talk to, and He'll talk back to you. He'll give you peace when the perfect storm of negative events swirl around you. You start to look at life in a more positive aspect rather than seeing the negative. You start to live in a good place, and it's all mental. Your circumstances haven't changed, it's the way you now view life.
"Why me?"
We ask when things seem to be going every which a way but ours.
"Why me?"
We ask when it seems like the things that we go through are too hard.
"Why me?"
We ask when we have not been trained how to handle the things we go through.
Yet, how bout asking "Why not me?"
Because God saw fit that you could endure what was put on your plate.
"Why not me?"
If God, who made you and knows you better than your own mother or best friend, has faith in you that you would succeed in your trials, why tell Him that He was wrong?
"Why not me?"
Be proud that He finds you worthy to go through, that He finds you to have the strength needed to accomplish the test.
"Why not me?"
You're not living this Christian life for yourself, you're living it for God. So that He gets the glory, so that someone can say "Thank you Jesus", "He's worthy". So that you can say "Look at what God did for me!"
It's simple really. You become prideful, and thankful of enduring trials, spiritual trials, and you can handle them better because you know who the Comforter is. You've got someone you can talk to, and He'll talk back to you. He'll give you peace when the perfect storm of negative events swirl around you. You start to look at life in a more positive aspect rather than seeing the negative. You start to live in a good place, and it's all mental. Your circumstances haven't changed, it's the way you now view life.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What Happened?
I was laying awake in my bed a few minutes ago this morning thinking about the first 7 months of my marriage and how it differed from the rest of my marriage. It was better than the rest which caused me to ask myself, why? What was I doing then that I wasn't doing the rest of the marriage? I was praying. I wanted to make sure that we stayed married, that we were able to work through things. I wanted to grow old together and really know my wife, so I prayed many a night, at least from what I can remember. I remember thinking that if we weren't praying together, I should at least be praying. I never realized how right I was.
Before I met my wife, I was........not as spiritually understanding as I am now. Meaning that I really wasn't reading my bible as often as I should. I was working all the time so I very rarely went to church, and when I did have a Sunday off, though I can't remember having one off, I never went to church. But I had grown up with the teachings from when I did go to church. I was taught of God, Jesus, faith, prayer, etc.....I had a basic, if anything, understanding of what a Christian should be, how they should act, and what they should do. I had went through experiences that caused me to be a real believer in faith and prayer. Man I had some STRONG faith! It didn't matter what happened in life, if I prayed and gave it to God, that was it. I never worried no more about whatever was going on.
Then I met my wife, and her family. I was enthralled at how spiritually bonded my Father-in-law and Mother-in-law were. I mean they would get up on Sundays and read "The Daily Word" together and discuss it. I remember thinking that's how I wanted my marriage to be. In the process of being involved in my wife's family, I spent a lot of time away from my own. I forgot my spiritual upbringing and went slack. After marriage, we spent the majority of our time involved with her family, only going to church a total of 3 times. Twice at my own and once at some church her parents wanted to go to. I continued to go slack in my spiritual self.
I don't blame her and her family for my downfall. I blame myself. I had it right and I let it go. This has nothing to do with them, yet everything to do with me. This is a reflection of my actions.
The first 7 months of my marriage was the best, not so much because we were still living in the honeymoon phase, but because, I believe, of my prayers. She never knew it, but there were plenty of nights when I would come home from work and strip my clothes off, get in the bed and wrap my arms around her as any loving husband would do. As she slept, as I listened to the steady rhythm of her breathing, feeling the her stomach move up and down under my hands, I was praying for the both of us. Praying for our marriage.Praying for our relationship. And it worked! Prayer was the reason why for 6 months or so we never used protection and she never got pregnant. It was also because of prayer that our son was conceived in his mother's womb no more than a good week and a half later. Prayer was the reason why I met my wife to begin with , getting down on my knees in honesty, and seeing her the next day. Love at first sight I tell you. I KNEW she was mine. It took years, but it didn't matter, I was confident that she was mine. Thank you Jesus.
Our downfall I'll contribute to me not praying anymore. In the first few months, I used to wish that she would pray with me. But I was too.......scared, hesitant, unsure of what her response would be, so I never brought it up. That was the Enemy working in my mind. The strength that our marriage would have had if we prayed together! The bond! One spouse praying is good, but if both are in the same accord praying for the same thing in unity..........how do you defeat that?
I won't say that she wasn't praying. Maybe she was, I just never knew myself. For all I know, she could have been thinking the same thing, that she wanted to pray together, but was unsure of what my response would be.
I'm a praying man now. I have long conversations with God. Sometimes I'll get restless and drive to Florida, South Carolina, Alabama or what have you and pray the whole time. My faith isn't as strong as when she first knew me back in say 2002 or so, and I attribute that to all the things I had to endure during the divorce. So messy. So not necessary. Then again, it should be because of those reasons that my faith should be stronger. I continue to pray that God blesses her and her family as He sees fit. That He has mercy on them, and quickens their spirit. I thank God for my wife, my In laws, my brother and sister. I pray that He continues to bless me as He sees fit, has mercy on me, and quickens my spirit as well.
So what would I require if she were to come back? Now that is another post for another day, I need to get ready for work.
Let the Spirit of Christ dwell within all who read these postings as well as the writer. That our spirit be overcome with peace, love, and joy towards one another, even those who we feel may have done us wrong. Let the Spirit of forgiveness drown our spiritual being, that what was done in the past be forgotten and stays in the past, much like God has promised to us, forgiving our sins and throwing them into the lake to be remembered no more.
Before I met my wife, I was........not as spiritually understanding as I am now. Meaning that I really wasn't reading my bible as often as I should. I was working all the time so I very rarely went to church, and when I did have a Sunday off, though I can't remember having one off, I never went to church. But I had grown up with the teachings from when I did go to church. I was taught of God, Jesus, faith, prayer, etc.....I had a basic, if anything, understanding of what a Christian should be, how they should act, and what they should do. I had went through experiences that caused me to be a real believer in faith and prayer. Man I had some STRONG faith! It didn't matter what happened in life, if I prayed and gave it to God, that was it. I never worried no more about whatever was going on.
Then I met my wife, and her family. I was enthralled at how spiritually bonded my Father-in-law and Mother-in-law were. I mean they would get up on Sundays and read "The Daily Word" together and discuss it. I remember thinking that's how I wanted my marriage to be. In the process of being involved in my wife's family, I spent a lot of time away from my own. I forgot my spiritual upbringing and went slack. After marriage, we spent the majority of our time involved with her family, only going to church a total of 3 times. Twice at my own and once at some church her parents wanted to go to. I continued to go slack in my spiritual self.
I don't blame her and her family for my downfall. I blame myself. I had it right and I let it go. This has nothing to do with them, yet everything to do with me. This is a reflection of my actions.
The first 7 months of my marriage was the best, not so much because we were still living in the honeymoon phase, but because, I believe, of my prayers. She never knew it, but there were plenty of nights when I would come home from work and strip my clothes off, get in the bed and wrap my arms around her as any loving husband would do. As she slept, as I listened to the steady rhythm of her breathing, feeling the her stomach move up and down under my hands, I was praying for the both of us. Praying for our marriage.Praying for our relationship. And it worked! Prayer was the reason why for 6 months or so we never used protection and she never got pregnant. It was also because of prayer that our son was conceived in his mother's womb no more than a good week and a half later. Prayer was the reason why I met my wife to begin with , getting down on my knees in honesty, and seeing her the next day. Love at first sight I tell you. I KNEW she was mine. It took years, but it didn't matter, I was confident that she was mine. Thank you Jesus.
Our downfall I'll contribute to me not praying anymore. In the first few months, I used to wish that she would pray with me. But I was too.......scared, hesitant, unsure of what her response would be, so I never brought it up. That was the Enemy working in my mind. The strength that our marriage would have had if we prayed together! The bond! One spouse praying is good, but if both are in the same accord praying for the same thing in unity..........how do you defeat that?
I won't say that she wasn't praying. Maybe she was, I just never knew myself. For all I know, she could have been thinking the same thing, that she wanted to pray together, but was unsure of what my response would be.
I'm a praying man now. I have long conversations with God. Sometimes I'll get restless and drive to Florida, South Carolina, Alabama or what have you and pray the whole time. My faith isn't as strong as when she first knew me back in say 2002 or so, and I attribute that to all the things I had to endure during the divorce. So messy. So not necessary. Then again, it should be because of those reasons that my faith should be stronger. I continue to pray that God blesses her and her family as He sees fit. That He has mercy on them, and quickens their spirit. I thank God for my wife, my In laws, my brother and sister. I pray that He continues to bless me as He sees fit, has mercy on me, and quickens my spirit as well.
So what would I require if she were to come back? Now that is another post for another day, I need to get ready for work.
Let the Spirit of Christ dwell within all who read these postings as well as the writer. That our spirit be overcome with peace, love, and joy towards one another, even those who we feel may have done us wrong. Let the Spirit of forgiveness drown our spiritual being, that what was done in the past be forgotten and stays in the past, much like God has promised to us, forgiving our sins and throwing them into the lake to be remembered no more.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Fasting - Part 2
So what did I fast for? My wife had divorced me, which was final April 1st, 2010. She did a real number on me. Things I never knew she was capable of were done to me. I surely did question her Christianity, as well as her parents. I got accused of things that I never did, my son was being withheld from me, to this day I still don't know/understand why she divorced me. I don't have a reason, at least one that's specific. So my fast, in general was for myself, which kind of included her. I needed to forgive her, especially since her antics continued. I needed to be at peace. I needed to be able to grow in Christ. I needed to get rid of some of my known sins, and learn about the sins I never knew existed within me.
So did it work? Oh yes, but not how I expected it. I was able to forgive her, but I also dreamed about her, at one point 3 nights straight. It was like I couldn't be rid of her even when I tried. I also did grow in God, I read the New Testament from Matthew to Revelations about 3 times straight through and continue to read my bible more than I did before the fast. I learned things I never knew existed. My faith in God grew substantially. The peace I needed grew substantially. I was able to deal with her antics better. I learned about some of my sins I never knew I was doing. I was able to pray for her and her family. I just became a better spiritual man. Later on in the year, God made me do something I refused to do after my Moms ask me (repeatedly mind you) after I had taken it off for about a good year, year and a half or so. I put my wedding ring back on. I won't lie either, I argued with God. I literally raised my voice and argued with Him.
-"You need to wear your ring".
-" No, NO! Why should I wear my ring?! SHE *pause* LEFT *pause* ME! It doesn't matter. She's not going to see it anyway! What benefit is it to her anyway?!"
-"It's not for her benefit, it's for yours".
You know that look when someone is so mad that they get quiet, roll their eyes and walk away? That was me. I didn't put it on. I got up the next morning, checked out of the hotel, got back in my car and He says, "You may as well go ahead and put your ring back on". I breathed hard through my nose, and did as He told me to. Now I can't take the ring off. I sleep with it. It stays on my finger 24/7 with the exception of bathing or washing my hair or using lotion or something. I can't take it off. In some ways, I'm not allowed to. Thank you Jesus.
In Pastor Franklin's book, he speaks on the benefits of fasting. Such as monetary, health, financial, spiritual, etc. Those are things I call side effects of doing what you are supposed to do. Your "reasonable service" if you will. But those are not reasons to do a fast, it's about your relationship with God, improving it, being a better Christian today than you were yesterday, and a better one tomorrow than you were today. A fast is well worth it.
So what about this year? She's still acting up. Won't let me come visit to see my son. Won't let me talk with him on the phone (although I don't have her cell number, I have to go through her Moms cell to try and talk with him, so the Moms may very well be preventing me from talking with him). She won't respond to my emails about him. I have no contact with him and have only chatted with him this year 4 times. Yet I still dream dreams about her. At one point waking up out of sleep in the Spirit praying for her and her family, then falling back asleep as soon as I had woke up. I see things in my dreams. So I'm constantly praying for her and her family. Praying for my son. I've learned to forgive her EVERY time I call for my son, knowing I won't talk with him. I have to. What did Peter ask, "How many times should we forgive someone? 7 times 7?" What was the reply? "70 times 7?" (paraphrasing). I'm able to rejoice in my suffering. Oh and yes, I'm on an indefinite fast, or until I have need to change.
God has been just SO GOOD to me during my separation/divorce and afterwards. I just can't tell all of how He's been so good, there's just too many for my little mind to repeat. But I thank Him and that He put His loving arms around me. That He nurtured me when others who said they loved me left me. I lost my whole family-my father, mother, brother, sister, wife and son in one quick swoop. And yet He was there when I needed Him, EVEN though I had left Him by lowering my standards spiritually. I only hope that I continue to do my best in this life so that I can make it in. That I continue to learn, that I continue to raise my standards spiritually. That I continue to understand that it matters not what happens down here on earth, what people do to you, it matter to God how you handle it. Praises be to His name.
Let the Spirit of Christ continue to dwell within us all. That He convicts us to be more forgiving, compassionate, trustworthy, and loving. I pray that He continues to have mercy on my wife and bless her as He sees fit. That He continues to watch over her family and that His will be done in all things, as He sees fit. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
So did it work? Oh yes, but not how I expected it. I was able to forgive her, but I also dreamed about her, at one point 3 nights straight. It was like I couldn't be rid of her even when I tried. I also did grow in God, I read the New Testament from Matthew to Revelations about 3 times straight through and continue to read my bible more than I did before the fast. I learned things I never knew existed. My faith in God grew substantially. The peace I needed grew substantially. I was able to deal with her antics better. I learned about some of my sins I never knew I was doing. I was able to pray for her and her family. I just became a better spiritual man. Later on in the year, God made me do something I refused to do after my Moms ask me (repeatedly mind you) after I had taken it off for about a good year, year and a half or so. I put my wedding ring back on. I won't lie either, I argued with God. I literally raised my voice and argued with Him.
-"You need to wear your ring".
-" No, NO! Why should I wear my ring?! SHE *pause* LEFT *pause* ME! It doesn't matter. She's not going to see it anyway! What benefit is it to her anyway?!"
-"It's not for her benefit, it's for yours".
You know that look when someone is so mad that they get quiet, roll their eyes and walk away? That was me. I didn't put it on. I got up the next morning, checked out of the hotel, got back in my car and He says, "You may as well go ahead and put your ring back on". I breathed hard through my nose, and did as He told me to. Now I can't take the ring off. I sleep with it. It stays on my finger 24/7 with the exception of bathing or washing my hair or using lotion or something. I can't take it off. In some ways, I'm not allowed to. Thank you Jesus.
In Pastor Franklin's book, he speaks on the benefits of fasting. Such as monetary, health, financial, spiritual, etc. Those are things I call side effects of doing what you are supposed to do. Your "reasonable service" if you will. But those are not reasons to do a fast, it's about your relationship with God, improving it, being a better Christian today than you were yesterday, and a better one tomorrow than you were today. A fast is well worth it.
So what about this year? She's still acting up. Won't let me come visit to see my son. Won't let me talk with him on the phone (although I don't have her cell number, I have to go through her Moms cell to try and talk with him, so the Moms may very well be preventing me from talking with him). She won't respond to my emails about him. I have no contact with him and have only chatted with him this year 4 times. Yet I still dream dreams about her. At one point waking up out of sleep in the Spirit praying for her and her family, then falling back asleep as soon as I had woke up. I see things in my dreams. So I'm constantly praying for her and her family. Praying for my son. I've learned to forgive her EVERY time I call for my son, knowing I won't talk with him. I have to. What did Peter ask, "How many times should we forgive someone? 7 times 7?" What was the reply? "70 times 7?" (paraphrasing). I'm able to rejoice in my suffering. Oh and yes, I'm on an indefinite fast, or until I have need to change.
God has been just SO GOOD to me during my separation/divorce and afterwards. I just can't tell all of how He's been so good, there's just too many for my little mind to repeat. But I thank Him and that He put His loving arms around me. That He nurtured me when others who said they loved me left me. I lost my whole family-my father, mother, brother, sister, wife and son in one quick swoop. And yet He was there when I needed Him, EVEN though I had left Him by lowering my standards spiritually. I only hope that I continue to do my best in this life so that I can make it in. That I continue to learn, that I continue to raise my standards spiritually. That I continue to understand that it matters not what happens down here on earth, what people do to you, it matter to God how you handle it. Praises be to His name.
Let the Spirit of Christ continue to dwell within us all. That He convicts us to be more forgiving, compassionate, trustworthy, and loving. I pray that He continues to have mercy on my wife and bless her as He sees fit. That He continues to watch over her family and that His will be done in all things, as He sees fit. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
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