I'm in trouble.
After some misunderstandings, some small arguments, and four years, I finally got a chance to see my son! AWESOME!!! He looks great. He looks awesome. He's got a gold medal in baseball. He's participating in some sort of a sports activity that allows him to play I believe 9 different sports. That's great. He got a ton of birthday gifts. Great. He says I look different, which is especially great since he hasn't seen me in 4 years! Which in my mind says that he hasn't forgotten about me! AWESOME!! He saw the baby bed in the background so I explained to him that was his baby brother. Tara wouldn't allow him to see him, but he was able to see photos that I put up to the screen (I'll explain later), to which he exclaimed "He looks just like me!!!!" Then later he says excitedly to Tara hiding off to the side "I have a little brother!!!" I have to say that we had a GREAT conversation. It just flowed naturally. It was as if we had never been apart. I did act a fool. What do you expect? I deal with 3 kids almost everyday ranging from 1 year old to 6 years old. So yea, the call was fun and lively. Oh yea, I didn't get emotional this time. Hehe. We get off the call and I'm beaming. I'm on cloud 9. I'm smiling hours after the Skype call. Go to bed. Wake up the next day and read my email and I go from the cover of The 40 Year Old Virgin to a sad puppy. I go from that to sulking around the house. My girlfriend tells me that I essentially need to focus on the good, the positive. Don't let Tara's antics destroy that. That lately, in the past few years, this is all that she does. I get a chance to take a positive step forward, and she hits me with something that takes me back two steps. That I should be used to this now. Yea, she fussed at me. She verbally slapped me in the face. I still went to work mad and frustrated. I go through my day and eventually focus on the work load. Get home to tell my moms and she says the same thing, except in a spiritual light.
Essentially the devil doesn't want to see me happy. He couldn't do anything during the Skype call, but he waited until afterwards to bring me down. He's using her to destroy me emotionally, which in some way makes sense seeing as in general, all of her responses are those that tell me what I can and can't do, and what I will do, and what she won't allow, they're always negative. She says I need to focus on the good, the positive. That she has still been praying for her... (and this is going to leave a bad taste in my mouth as I say it), Daughter-in-Law ::runs into the bathroom for some mouthwash::. So my girlfriend gives me advice in the natural sense, my moms in the spiritual sense. Same advice either way.
Side note. Tara has essentially dumped a truckload of mud on my family, yet I still can't believe my Mom still prays for Tara. That she still smiles as she calls her Daughter-in-law ::swig of mouthwash::. That she still prays for her return. Tara has willingly kept our son from my Parents....really my whole family. My dad hasn't seen him since he was a baby. His great grandmother can't get any photos from her. She said things that were untrue. Accused me of things that were untrue. And the way she talked about my moms, yet my moms still, in her own way, welcomes her with open arms. Unreal. That in my mind shows a true embodiment of forgiveness. Not to say that I haven't, I just show mine differently.
So what did the email say? Essentially it said that she would only allow me Skype on Saturdays and one phone call during the week. That if I show that I can't Skype on Saturdays, that she will force me to only have phone calls. This is after she tells me that Skype is inappropriate for a child his age, therefore she will not allow him on Skype.
She didn't appreciate me not addressing the conversations of late considering my separation from him, essentially chatting as if it never happened. As if it doesn't exist. I really don't understand where she's coming from, all that I can really say is that we chat as if it doesn't exist. I'm chatting with him freely because he is my son. The separation doesn't make us different. The separation is the circumstance. I think maybe that shocked her. I feel that she is trying her best to cut me out of his life permanently, and with us carrying on a conversation as if nothing happened, well maybe that's not what she thought would happen. Maybe the distance between Phoenix and Atlanta, nor 4 years of not being able to visually see one another, neither the years of sporadic times she allowed us phone time, including 2011 where I got no contact time at all, can drastically effect the bond. After all, when he first saw me the first thing he said is "You look different!" He still knows me.
I feel better this morning. 2 days after I saw my son. I'm smiling again. He's a great kid.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
To Tara with Love-Part Love 6-1-14, 2am
I've had a lot to say in these past few months, so before I begin, I think I may need to call on the Father for guidance. That He direct me in what I may write. That I'm able to be completely open and honest without being degrading or hurtful. A few....well I guess it has been a year or two I mentioned that I was going to this Pregnancy Resource Center that was spiritually motivated. I mentioned a task that I had to complete, (which I might add that I never completed the assignment), in which I had to look at some of the things that were hurtful to me, and address those things to that person. I wasn't at the time able to choose between my mother or my Ex and her Parents. Why not do both? My mom is here so I can easily talk to her. However with my Ex, it's not so simple. Her parents-not so simple.I'll be honest, this will be somewhat of a series. This part, will focus on the love. But know there will be parts that will focus on some of the bad. All in all, this is not to be used as a vehicle to incite anger and frustration, but also be warned, I have no problem in being honest.
Remember when things were soooo simple? I still remember our first date. Sweetwater Creek sitting on a bench next to the lake. It was a little cloudy. We were both soooo nervous we couldn't look at one another the whole time. We decided to force ourselves to face each other instead of at the ground or at the lake. It was a time of innocence. I miss them. I loved you. I needed you. I wanted you. You were my drug of choice. Of choice. Wow. Babes (I'll use this pet name only to refrain from using your real name, it is not to be misunderstood as a pet name of love), I loved you from first picture. I'd say "first sight" but since I saw your picture first on BP, well hey....you know. I saw it and I knew you were mine to marry. Done. No questions. Just done. Final answer. I didn't care who you were or what you had been through, I accepted all of that in that micro moment of seeing your photo and I was willing to explore and experience all of that with you. Drug of choice. Remember the time when I drove out to D'ville (which in hindsight I have no earthly idea why I would drive that far AND back almost daily for a woman, except that you were my drug of choice), just to put a little encouragement letter on your car windshield when I found out that you were having a bad day at work? I was basking in Good Boyfriend status when you called excited, surprised and mad that I came all the way out there without letting you know. I miss your cuddles. I could never find the right position, I always needed to be closer. The way you just fit mine. Oh and your scent! Not a bad smell, just the way you smell. You weren't musty or anything, it was just you. I miss that. I smell it from time to time and I think of you immediately. It's been years since it last wafted through my nostrils.
Babes you need to understand that when we were together, I loved you in the true meaning of love. There was nothing that you could have done that I would not forgive you for, maybe even going as far as questioning myself as to what I did to contribute to you doing whatever that I might need to forgive you. Honestly, you could have cheated on me and I would have forgiven you. I was prepared to stay and work things out. I was prepared to forgive you on anything. You were my drug of choice. My need. Who I thought about all the time. I used to sit back and think of ways to put a smile on your face, just so I could see you smile. I miss that smile. The way you'd kind of shake your head when you did it. And the dimples.....wow. Show me that smile and I was done. I remember what we did the first night after getting married that day. We came home. Undressed out of our "bride" and :groom" t-shirts. I pulled the hairpins out of your hair (your hair was on point that day!), I think we went to bed in boxer shorts and basketball shorts, and we spooned ourselves to sleep. I woke up the next morning thinking "I don't see how anyone can consummate the marriage at night 'cause we were tired!". Then we had our first fight, the position of the card table in the dining room. Whether it should be boring and mundane by being parallel to the way, your way, or fun and different by being diagonal ( my way). You won that argument. Oh wait! Remember the time we went to Sweetwater Creek at night and fished and we both caught something at the same time. I pulled mine in SOOOOOO confidently and you're pulling yours in. We get them both up and mine is like 8 inches and yours is like 2 and a half feet! And we heard the Hispanics fishing from the bank laughing too hard at me. That was a good night. There's so many things that I could mention, like the moment of pride I had as I stood up in recognition of your graduation as your husband. The fun in being with you at school teaching kids, you were an AWESOME teacher. Babes I loved EVERY minute of being yours, from online friend to husband. I LOVED you, and all that you were, and would be. Sure we had bad times, but I looked at us, not from the standpoint of whats happening now, but who we were as a whole. You were my drug of CHOICE. Quite frankly, I still love you, but as a Christian should.
Hi my name is Deon, and I'm not addicted to Babes. I've been clean, oh um, several years now. ::crowd stands up and cheers::
Like I said, I still love you. This process of divorce, well shoot not even that, the constant denial of our son has forced me to reflect............I don't like that word. Visualize? Determine. Think about. Comprehend....I thought a lot about us and me and you and God and my position with Him. I love you as a Christian should.
As a Christian, I try to practice forgiveness, mercy, grace and understanding.
This is how I love you now, with these Christian traits. I practice forgiveness every time I call your Mom's number and am met with a voicemail and no call back. I practice mercy when I tell myself "Maybe next week" when I leave a voicemail and hope I'll be able to talk with him on the next phone call. Grace is shown when I allow myself to show patience, in thinking that maybe you haven't mentally acclimated yourself to still having to deal with me, even all the way in Georgia, with our son. I'm sure I'm like a gnat that keeps pestering your eyeball. I try to apply understanding when I look at my changing as boyfriend in relation to your parents, to husband and living with your parents. I see some of the ways our marriage changed after we moved in, and truth be told, that was the last thing we should have done. I know what it was like dealing with your parents, I'm sure you are going through some of the same things still. I saw who my wife was in our own apartment, and who she was moving in with her parents. She was not the same. I love you as a Christian, I show Christian love.
Back in the day, I used to say that you had Taravision. Please forgive me if back then, using the term did more harm than was wanted. I use it now only to explain a point. You saw things from your perspective. No real problem there, however it became an issue once you didn't leave any room for any possibilities or explanations. Everything, when you were in that mode was either black or white, no gradients of grey. And going further, it doesn't allow you to forgive. It makes you hold on to the negative, the hurt, the pain. It makes you want, and in some cases causing, others to feel your pain. Considering our relationship (which is to say our level of communication as Baby Daddy and Baby Momma), I feel as though I'm still dealing with the Vision. So, metaphorically speaking, I'm here on my knees apologizing. I'm so very very sorry for my role in the breakup. For my role in causing you to divorce me. For causing you to keep my child away from me. I'm asking you to forgive me. Not for my sake, but for God, for you, how others see you as a Christian and follow you, and for our son's well being. I hope for all those reasons, that the Vision isn't allowed to manifest. If the Vision takes hold, well it won't matter that I just apologized, heartfelt and sincere. It'll make you think that I'm doing this for some other reason other than the reason I gave. It'll make you think that I'm out for something, or that I'm trying to get us back together. It can even go as far as allowing your parents to support any thoughts of reasons other than what I gave. You may say that I'm trying to bad mouth you because of the divorce. I'm not. That I'm trying to find out things about your/ your parents lives. I'm not. I'm a dude. That's too much drama for me. Compounded more since I now have a woman and 3 kids to take care of.
My one reason: I want a decent working relationship with our son. In order to do that, I have to go through you. It's that simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. All that I do is for that one reason.
May the Blood of Christ wash over Babes and I. That some form of forgiveness is manifested within both of us. That we be able to look to the future and forget the past. Most importantly, that others who see the Light of Christ with in us, be not lead astray by our natural imperfections. That they be able to say "Look at what God has done in their lives! This is the God I want to serve!" In Jesus name, amen.
I feel good. Now that I got that part off my chest, it's time to make someone curse my screen name in Black Ops 2! God willing I'll do the other parts soon, Yall be good and be Christ-like.
Remember when things were soooo simple? I still remember our first date. Sweetwater Creek sitting on a bench next to the lake. It was a little cloudy. We were both soooo nervous we couldn't look at one another the whole time. We decided to force ourselves to face each other instead of at the ground or at the lake. It was a time of innocence. I miss them. I loved you. I needed you. I wanted you. You were my drug of choice. Of choice. Wow. Babes (I'll use this pet name only to refrain from using your real name, it is not to be misunderstood as a pet name of love), I loved you from first picture. I'd say "first sight" but since I saw your picture first on BP, well hey....you know. I saw it and I knew you were mine to marry. Done. No questions. Just done. Final answer. I didn't care who you were or what you had been through, I accepted all of that in that micro moment of seeing your photo and I was willing to explore and experience all of that with you. Drug of choice. Remember the time when I drove out to D'ville (which in hindsight I have no earthly idea why I would drive that far AND back almost daily for a woman, except that you were my drug of choice), just to put a little encouragement letter on your car windshield when I found out that you were having a bad day at work? I was basking in Good Boyfriend status when you called excited, surprised and mad that I came all the way out there without letting you know. I miss your cuddles. I could never find the right position, I always needed to be closer. The way you just fit mine. Oh and your scent! Not a bad smell, just the way you smell. You weren't musty or anything, it was just you. I miss that. I smell it from time to time and I think of you immediately. It's been years since it last wafted through my nostrils.
Babes you need to understand that when we were together, I loved you in the true meaning of love. There was nothing that you could have done that I would not forgive you for, maybe even going as far as questioning myself as to what I did to contribute to you doing whatever that I might need to forgive you. Honestly, you could have cheated on me and I would have forgiven you. I was prepared to stay and work things out. I was prepared to forgive you on anything. You were my drug of choice. My need. Who I thought about all the time. I used to sit back and think of ways to put a smile on your face, just so I could see you smile. I miss that smile. The way you'd kind of shake your head when you did it. And the dimples.....wow. Show me that smile and I was done. I remember what we did the first night after getting married that day. We came home. Undressed out of our "bride" and :groom" t-shirts. I pulled the hairpins out of your hair (your hair was on point that day!), I think we went to bed in boxer shorts and basketball shorts, and we spooned ourselves to sleep. I woke up the next morning thinking "I don't see how anyone can consummate the marriage at night 'cause we were tired!". Then we had our first fight, the position of the card table in the dining room. Whether it should be boring and mundane by being parallel to the way, your way, or fun and different by being diagonal ( my way). You won that argument. Oh wait! Remember the time we went to Sweetwater Creek at night and fished and we both caught something at the same time. I pulled mine in SOOOOOO confidently and you're pulling yours in. We get them both up and mine is like 8 inches and yours is like 2 and a half feet! And we heard the Hispanics fishing from the bank laughing too hard at me. That was a good night. There's so many things that I could mention, like the moment of pride I had as I stood up in recognition of your graduation as your husband. The fun in being with you at school teaching kids, you were an AWESOME teacher. Babes I loved EVERY minute of being yours, from online friend to husband. I LOVED you, and all that you were, and would be. Sure we had bad times, but I looked at us, not from the standpoint of whats happening now, but who we were as a whole. You were my drug of CHOICE. Quite frankly, I still love you, but as a Christian should.
Hi my name is Deon, and I'm not addicted to Babes. I've been clean, oh um, several years now. ::crowd stands up and cheers::
Like I said, I still love you. This process of divorce, well shoot not even that, the constant denial of our son has forced me to reflect............I don't like that word. Visualize? Determine. Think about. Comprehend....I thought a lot about us and me and you and God and my position with Him. I love you as a Christian should.
As a Christian, I try to practice forgiveness, mercy, grace and understanding.
This is how I love you now, with these Christian traits. I practice forgiveness every time I call your Mom's number and am met with a voicemail and no call back. I practice mercy when I tell myself "Maybe next week" when I leave a voicemail and hope I'll be able to talk with him on the next phone call. Grace is shown when I allow myself to show patience, in thinking that maybe you haven't mentally acclimated yourself to still having to deal with me, even all the way in Georgia, with our son. I'm sure I'm like a gnat that keeps pestering your eyeball. I try to apply understanding when I look at my changing as boyfriend in relation to your parents, to husband and living with your parents. I see some of the ways our marriage changed after we moved in, and truth be told, that was the last thing we should have done. I know what it was like dealing with your parents, I'm sure you are going through some of the same things still. I saw who my wife was in our own apartment, and who she was moving in with her parents. She was not the same. I love you as a Christian, I show Christian love.
Back in the day, I used to say that you had Taravision. Please forgive me if back then, using the term did more harm than was wanted. I use it now only to explain a point. You saw things from your perspective. No real problem there, however it became an issue once you didn't leave any room for any possibilities or explanations. Everything, when you were in that mode was either black or white, no gradients of grey. And going further, it doesn't allow you to forgive. It makes you hold on to the negative, the hurt, the pain. It makes you want, and in some cases causing, others to feel your pain. Considering our relationship (which is to say our level of communication as Baby Daddy and Baby Momma), I feel as though I'm still dealing with the Vision. So, metaphorically speaking, I'm here on my knees apologizing. I'm so very very sorry for my role in the breakup. For my role in causing you to divorce me. For causing you to keep my child away from me. I'm asking you to forgive me. Not for my sake, but for God, for you, how others see you as a Christian and follow you, and for our son's well being. I hope for all those reasons, that the Vision isn't allowed to manifest. If the Vision takes hold, well it won't matter that I just apologized, heartfelt and sincere. It'll make you think that I'm doing this for some other reason other than the reason I gave. It'll make you think that I'm out for something, or that I'm trying to get us back together. It can even go as far as allowing your parents to support any thoughts of reasons other than what I gave. You may say that I'm trying to bad mouth you because of the divorce. I'm not. That I'm trying to find out things about your/ your parents lives. I'm not. I'm a dude. That's too much drama for me. Compounded more since I now have a woman and 3 kids to take care of.
My one reason: I want a decent working relationship with our son. In order to do that, I have to go through you. It's that simple. Nothing more. Nothing less. All that I do is for that one reason.
May the Blood of Christ wash over Babes and I. That some form of forgiveness is manifested within both of us. That we be able to look to the future and forget the past. Most importantly, that others who see the Light of Christ with in us, be not lead astray by our natural imperfections. That they be able to say "Look at what God has done in their lives! This is the God I want to serve!" In Jesus name, amen.
I feel good. Now that I got that part off my chest, it's time to make someone curse my screen name in Black Ops 2! God willing I'll do the other parts soon, Yall be good and be Christ-like.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Persistence 3.14.14
I hope the Lord may see fit that I should live long enough to have a head full of white hair. To live long enough to mark up my wood floors with tracks made from my wheelchair. To see the world change in a hundred years and wonder at the simplicity of what life used to be. And when our Father in Heaven takes me on home, and I stand before Him in judgement and He asks me "Have you lived a good Christian life? Did you love all and show love as I have?", and I reply with, "I hope it was to your standard." He would then ask "What about when your Ex denied you of your child, her mother allowing you to call him several times a week without picking up or returning your calls". To that I'd say "I gotta say, I think I did pretty good". "And when she continued to restrict you of contact, going as far as saying there will be no Skype, and you can only call on Saturdays, even after you got your lawyer involved again, how did you do then? Did you let anger posses you?" "No Father. As far as I can tell, I never let anger get to me."
After that, He would then decide on my fate, based on other things in my life and I'd go to Heaven or Hell. I honestly can't tell you that I'd make it to heaven. I'm sure there's always something that I can do to make myself a better Christian. Something that I don't know that I'm doing wrong, which through fasting and prayer I should be able to find out what that is and make it right.
I guess the point of all this is we all will be judged by our actions and thoughts. Even though she's still denying me my son, I still have to act like the better Christian because later on, I will be judged by how I responded. I have to act, not react to what shes doing.
After that, He would then decide on my fate, based on other things in my life and I'd go to Heaven or Hell. I honestly can't tell you that I'd make it to heaven. I'm sure there's always something that I can do to make myself a better Christian. Something that I don't know that I'm doing wrong, which through fasting and prayer I should be able to find out what that is and make it right.
I guess the point of all this is we all will be judged by our actions and thoughts. Even though she's still denying me my son, I still have to act like the better Christian because later on, I will be judged by how I responded. I have to act, not react to what shes doing.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Pushing Daisys 2-11-14
I gotta share this, and this is akin to me praying during the bad thunderstorm that I make it to church, and when I prayed not to have a child/to have a child, that I not be late for work when I just saw my bus roll by, when I prayed about how to handle the Ford when going through my divorce, and a few other situations that I know was answered by the blessings of God.
I was called in early yesterday. You see we in Georgia don't really encounter snow storms/ ice storms, but when we do, all hail breaks loose! Haha, get it? Get it?! Haha. Cars from non-drivers end up in the ditch, people drive too fast, people drive with bald tires, they drive with 30 inch rims, but the biggest problem is that truckers jack knife. This last storm about a week or two ago, people were stuck in their cars for up to 14 hours! So with memories of the last episode still fresh, people are shopping in the grocery stores and buying as if they will be holed up for two weeks in their house. So, like I said I was called in early. I finish making a casserole and go in to work. I get on the highway and about halfway in my travel, my radio stops. Now I'm thinking there's something wrong with the station, until later on I check it and the screen says low battery. I say ok and keep driving, knowing that I will have to make the purchase really soon. I get off the exit and all my gauges drop. They act as if the car isn't driving at all. Now that worries me. Something is clearly wrong with my car. I pray to my Father in Heaven that I be able to make it to the parking lot at work where I can be safe. I Vox my girl and let her know and right when I was going to say "I think I can make it", I changed it to "I'll be able to make it". So I'm driving and now the car is silent. I hear the engine noise from pressing the gas, and the car kind of lurches when it changes gears, but aside from that, quiet. And all turning signal functions cease, so essentially no lights. I was allowed to make it to the parking lot. And just like my prayer, as soon as I turn into the parking lot, the car stops everything. I've got no lights, turning signals, no engine noise, my power steering is shot, no gas. Nothing. My car is dead. My brakes work though! So I had to put the car in neutral and push it up a slight incline to park it. I never realized that I could push a car by myself.
I can't say that I learned a lot. I already know the power of prayer, especially during one of my fasts. I already know the things that our Father in Heaven has done for me after one of those good prayers. I guess every once in a while, you feel extra special, like God only loves you, when He answers your needs, wants, or desires. Kinda like getting a gold star in kindergarten.
So now, here I am, stuck at my girlfriends house all day with nothing to do except watch Netflix and beat someone's ace in BlackOps.
Thank God.
I was called in early yesterday. You see we in Georgia don't really encounter snow storms/ ice storms, but when we do, all hail breaks loose! Haha, get it? Get it?! Haha. Cars from non-drivers end up in the ditch, people drive too fast, people drive with bald tires, they drive with 30 inch rims, but the biggest problem is that truckers jack knife. This last storm about a week or two ago, people were stuck in their cars for up to 14 hours! So with memories of the last episode still fresh, people are shopping in the grocery stores and buying as if they will be holed up for two weeks in their house. So, like I said I was called in early. I finish making a casserole and go in to work. I get on the highway and about halfway in my travel, my radio stops. Now I'm thinking there's something wrong with the station, until later on I check it and the screen says low battery. I say ok and keep driving, knowing that I will have to make the purchase really soon. I get off the exit and all my gauges drop. They act as if the car isn't driving at all. Now that worries me. Something is clearly wrong with my car. I pray to my Father in Heaven that I be able to make it to the parking lot at work where I can be safe. I Vox my girl and let her know and right when I was going to say "I think I can make it", I changed it to "I'll be able to make it". So I'm driving and now the car is silent. I hear the engine noise from pressing the gas, and the car kind of lurches when it changes gears, but aside from that, quiet. And all turning signal functions cease, so essentially no lights. I was allowed to make it to the parking lot. And just like my prayer, as soon as I turn into the parking lot, the car stops everything. I've got no lights, turning signals, no engine noise, my power steering is shot, no gas. Nothing. My car is dead. My brakes work though! So I had to put the car in neutral and push it up a slight incline to park it. I never realized that I could push a car by myself.
I can't say that I learned a lot. I already know the power of prayer, especially during one of my fasts. I already know the things that our Father in Heaven has done for me after one of those good prayers. I guess every once in a while, you feel extra special, like God only loves you, when He answers your needs, wants, or desires. Kinda like getting a gold star in kindergarten.
So now, here I am, stuck at my girlfriends house all day with nothing to do except watch Netflix and beat someone's ace in BlackOps.
Thank God.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Out of the mouth of babes with the truth be spoken 11.05.13
It's so easy to misunderstand something, especially when you're going through a divorce or dealing with the Baby Momma. So easy to get angry, I mean after all, this was the one person that said they loved you. I didn't want my dealings with her to be with anger, or mistrust. So I've always tried to kind of hold back on the emotions. Show mercy whenever possible. Whatever I could do to not see her in a negative light, I tried to do with the best of my ability. In fact the one thing I've tried not to face in dealing with her, is that she doesn't want me involved with our son. With two simple sentences, my son has caused me to deal with what I didn't want to.
That she and her family really don't want me involved in his life.
Surprisingly I'm fairly calm about this verbal acknowledgement. What can I do except accept it?
That she and her family really don't want me involved in his life.
Surprisingly I'm fairly calm about this verbal acknowledgement. What can I do except accept it?
Friday, September 27, 2013
Crossroads 9-27-13
Here I stand at the juncture of "What I was Taught Road" and "Was that Really Right Lane".
I've re-read some of my earlier posts and, granted I haven't been on in a while, but life has gotten deep for me.
I haven't spoken to my firstborn since August of last year. Granted I still make the calls, I still email her times I am available, I still leave the voice mails, I still get no response. I ask what school does he go to, no response. I say "well summer is coming, when is a good time to come through and see him, I'll be driving", no response. It's an......emotional......not sure I like that, psychological? No I don't like that either. Technological brick wall. That's better. If I was asked, do I still love her even still. I'd say somewhat. I was married to her. She was my all. I told her things my own mother wouldn't have known about me. She was, not my first love, but MY love. She will always have a place in my heart.
But I'm not crazy either. Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, not me, not this one here.
I've got a girlfriend. We have a year old son (I refuse to say 13 month, and the time it takes to vocally express "a year and a month" my hair could turn gray, js.) Lemme tell you HE IS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! His name is Noah (I didn't plan on having another child, especially one with a name that starts with the letter "N"). He looks just like Najee at times. Sometimes when his head is turned at the right angle, and his facial expression is just right, I can't help but saying "Wow, looks just like my 1st". My girlfriend has two other kids that I have been involved with for the past two years. I LOVE em! ESPECIALLY the girl. She's MY girl. If ANYONE hurts her, and please forgive me for this moment of hoodness, Imma have ta shank em with my pinky fanga! The boy is 6, the girl is just about 3.
Me and my girlfriend have been talking about marriage, and moving in and whatnot.
But "WAIT" you exclaim! How are you able to have a girlfriend AND get married?!
I'm glad you asked. Here's why. And this is where the juncture begins.
Tara isn't coming back. I know this. I accept this. I'm not totally fine with it since I would have rather worked things out, but hey, it is what it is. When I got divorced, I was......28 I believe. Young man. Young sexually needy man. Wasn't right, but I was missing her, missing a woman. So yea, I had sex. Fast forward to roughly 22 months ago and a child was created.
According to how I was raised, once you were married you were married. That's it. Done. Final. No return. No exchanges. Not even with a receipt. Stuck. More specifically, in God's eyes, that was it. You could get a divorce in the natural sense, but in the spiritual sense, it's still all over for you. You just happen to be married to someone who doesn't love back like they used to. Now from my understanding, the only way a divorce could be legit in both the natural and spiritual sense, is if one cheated. Now I make this very clear, I NEVER cheated on my wife while we were together. So just to make this simple, she divorced me in the natural sense, I made it legit in the spiritual sense by being with another woman. My Mom still scolds and lectures me about being with my girlfriend. She wants me to make things work out with Tara. I say screw that! She's not coming back. I understand and accept it. SHE left me, NOT the other way around.
With that being said, there's only a handful of scriptures that pertain to marriage. What if there's more to it? Am I really supposed to not be with anyone else at all, remain single for the rest of my life because according to God I'm still married in the Spiritual sense? My Girl is a GOOD woman. She FEEDS me! Tara cooked 3 times in the 2 years we were together, and one won't count because it was a cold Pop-Tart clattering on a plate. I have a gut now. I'm actually working out now to get rid of it. Something I've never had to do before. She's good with the kids. Decent with her finances. Great relationship with her parents, more specifically her Moms. She never denies the father of her kids the kids. He can always come through and pick them up. She supports me when she can, when she needs to, emotionally. ESPECIALLY when it concerns my EX. That's most important to me. She's been a great wife to me even as a girlfriend. I love her. I love my son. I love my other two kids.
I've been questioning my spiritual self. Rather the teachings I was brought up on. I haven't gone to church in say a year. I'm confused spiritually. I know the kind of faith I had before, ESPECIALLY when I did my fasts. I wonder now if the churches teachings I grew up on was kind of a stepping stone to something bigger and better? I don't have a home church anymore. I want to experience something else, yet I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Maybe I'll cross the street at some point.
Be good. Be Christians. Grow. Pray for me.
I've re-read some of my earlier posts and, granted I haven't been on in a while, but life has gotten deep for me.
I haven't spoken to my firstborn since August of last year. Granted I still make the calls, I still email her times I am available, I still leave the voice mails, I still get no response. I ask what school does he go to, no response. I say "well summer is coming, when is a good time to come through and see him, I'll be driving", no response. It's an......emotional......not sure I like that, psychological? No I don't like that either. Technological brick wall. That's better. If I was asked, do I still love her even still. I'd say somewhat. I was married to her. She was my all. I told her things my own mother wouldn't have known about me. She was, not my first love, but MY love. She will always have a place in my heart.
But I'm not crazy either. Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, not me, not this one here.
I've got a girlfriend. We have a year old son (I refuse to say 13 month, and the time it takes to vocally express "a year and a month" my hair could turn gray, js.) Lemme tell you HE IS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! His name is Noah (I didn't plan on having another child, especially one with a name that starts with the letter "N"). He looks just like Najee at times. Sometimes when his head is turned at the right angle, and his facial expression is just right, I can't help but saying "Wow, looks just like my 1st". My girlfriend has two other kids that I have been involved with for the past two years. I LOVE em! ESPECIALLY the girl. She's MY girl. If ANYONE hurts her, and please forgive me for this moment of hoodness, Imma have ta shank em with my pinky fanga! The boy is 6, the girl is just about 3.
Me and my girlfriend have been talking about marriage, and moving in and whatnot.
But "WAIT" you exclaim! How are you able to have a girlfriend AND get married?!
I'm glad you asked. Here's why. And this is where the juncture begins.
Tara isn't coming back. I know this. I accept this. I'm not totally fine with it since I would have rather worked things out, but hey, it is what it is. When I got divorced, I was......28 I believe. Young man. Young sexually needy man. Wasn't right, but I was missing her, missing a woman. So yea, I had sex. Fast forward to roughly 22 months ago and a child was created.
According to how I was raised, once you were married you were married. That's it. Done. Final. No return. No exchanges. Not even with a receipt. Stuck. More specifically, in God's eyes, that was it. You could get a divorce in the natural sense, but in the spiritual sense, it's still all over for you. You just happen to be married to someone who doesn't love back like they used to. Now from my understanding, the only way a divorce could be legit in both the natural and spiritual sense, is if one cheated. Now I make this very clear, I NEVER cheated on my wife while we were together. So just to make this simple, she divorced me in the natural sense, I made it legit in the spiritual sense by being with another woman. My Mom still scolds and lectures me about being with my girlfriend. She wants me to make things work out with Tara. I say screw that! She's not coming back. I understand and accept it. SHE left me, NOT the other way around.
With that being said, there's only a handful of scriptures that pertain to marriage. What if there's more to it? Am I really supposed to not be with anyone else at all, remain single for the rest of my life because according to God I'm still married in the Spiritual sense? My Girl is a GOOD woman. She FEEDS me! Tara cooked 3 times in the 2 years we were together, and one won't count because it was a cold Pop-Tart clattering on a plate. I have a gut now. I'm actually working out now to get rid of it. Something I've never had to do before. She's good with the kids. Decent with her finances. Great relationship with her parents, more specifically her Moms. She never denies the father of her kids the kids. He can always come through and pick them up. She supports me when she can, when she needs to, emotionally. ESPECIALLY when it concerns my EX. That's most important to me. She's been a great wife to me even as a girlfriend. I love her. I love my son. I love my other two kids.
I've been questioning my spiritual self. Rather the teachings I was brought up on. I haven't gone to church in say a year. I'm confused spiritually. I know the kind of faith I had before, ESPECIALLY when I did my fasts. I wonder now if the churches teachings I grew up on was kind of a stepping stone to something bigger and better? I don't have a home church anymore. I want to experience something else, yet I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
Maybe I'll cross the street at some point.
Be good. Be Christians. Grow. Pray for me.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The chains of Divorce- 12.13.12
I dreamed about her again the other night. I don't understand it. I accept the fact that she's gone. I accept that she has no love for me. Fine. My only link to her is our son. I love our son. I miss him dearly. He is the only one that I'm trying to keep some sense of relationship with. With him it's because He's part of me. My first born. With her, it's because I have to. So why is it that in my dreams I rarely see him, rather I dream of her more often? It's like I'm still connected to her, still able to feel her. I feel her emotions sometimes, in my dreams. I see her face in the dream, or rather her face is shrouded with emotion.
She had her own place. Like an apartment. I walked in and I could feel from her that she didn't want me there. She didn't feel like dealing with me. Or rather she didn't like me having access so freely with our son. It was like two north poles of a magnet, whenever I got close to her she would move and go to another room. I caught a glimpse of her face, or rather non-face. It's hard to explain. She was wearing regular clothes, more than likely a t-shirt and some jeans, but when looking at her it was like she was wearing a cloak you'd see in some mid evil movie, or a shroud of some sort. I couldn't really see her face, it was covered in darkness. Rather there was no face but where a face should have been, dark clouds swirled in her face, contained only by the cloak or hoodie covering she wore. In looking at her face I could feel the emotions that she was hiding. I felt from her a great sadness, deep hurt, maybe hints of depression. She never said anything to me in this dream, just quick glances. Anyway I wasn't there for her, I was there for our son. I was excited to be there and finally see him. So I walked down the hallway and found him in the bathroom taking a bath. But he was playing around and once he saw me decided that he was done. Some how I knew She told him to take a bath, and being me, I backed her decision for him to take a bath. So I kinda got on to him lightly, told him to spend and extra 10 minutes in the tub, then he would be done. The contrast between both was weird. She was filled with complete sadness, and he was normal, happy almost. The apartment look pretty decent, but the whole dream had a grayish or sepia color too it. Kinda like watching Silent hill.
I dreamed of her father and mother last night. It's all cloudy, but I do remember going to each and asking "Where is my son?", crying when I asked her father, I believe.
She had her own place. Like an apartment. I walked in and I could feel from her that she didn't want me there. She didn't feel like dealing with me. Or rather she didn't like me having access so freely with our son. It was like two north poles of a magnet, whenever I got close to her she would move and go to another room. I caught a glimpse of her face, or rather non-face. It's hard to explain. She was wearing regular clothes, more than likely a t-shirt and some jeans, but when looking at her it was like she was wearing a cloak you'd see in some mid evil movie, or a shroud of some sort. I couldn't really see her face, it was covered in darkness. Rather there was no face but where a face should have been, dark clouds swirled in her face, contained only by the cloak or hoodie covering she wore. In looking at her face I could feel the emotions that she was hiding. I felt from her a great sadness, deep hurt, maybe hints of depression. She never said anything to me in this dream, just quick glances. Anyway I wasn't there for her, I was there for our son. I was excited to be there and finally see him. So I walked down the hallway and found him in the bathroom taking a bath. But he was playing around and once he saw me decided that he was done. Some how I knew She told him to take a bath, and being me, I backed her decision for him to take a bath. So I kinda got on to him lightly, told him to spend and extra 10 minutes in the tub, then he would be done. The contrast between both was weird. She was filled with complete sadness, and he was normal, happy almost. The apartment look pretty decent, but the whole dream had a grayish or sepia color too it. Kinda like watching Silent hill.
I dreamed of her father and mother last night. It's all cloudy, but I do remember going to each and asking "Where is my son?", crying when I asked her father, I believe.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Reconciliing my past: 05/08/12
So I have been going to this center for a few months now. This center is bible based, so we learn about the bible, who Jesus is and what He wants. We learn about giving our life to Christ and what that means. Basically who we are as Christians. Aside from that, we have been given a short run down of what the bible is, some of it's teachings, the reason why we know it's true, etc.... So far it's been an okay experience, although I will say that I have learned a few things that I don't think I would have learned otherwise. So I go to my appointment yesterday and I have this homework I need to complete. I think I will have a hard time completing it.
For the past month, I've been watching at the Center a DVD that deals with Manhood and a wounded heart. The basic understanding being that your past effects you in the future. It also effects those who you love around you. So my homework deals with this. I am to look at my past and figure out if my hurts deal with an Absent Father, Overly-Bonded with Mother, Alone Life (no family or friends in which to guide me) or a Wounded Heart. Once I pick one, I am to explain why I chose that one, and eventually I am to essentially face my hurt and in some way reconcile with it so that, well so that I can be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
This will be a hard task for me. I guess this is more akin to counseling services in a way. But as a guy, we don't particularly share our feelings. We don't dig deep and get in touch with our fluffy pink fuzzy feelings, with our happy places. So essentially I have to be man enough to go to my place that has butterflies and rainbows and gumdrop raindrops and bunnies and sunshine. So once I do that, I need to figure out what is most effecting me. Something that I know I have a hard time getting past. There's one thing that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, whether it be in the most insignificant detail or the most devastating hurt.
My Ex, her Parents, and my divorce which includes taking my son away from me and not allowing me ANY form of time whether that be through letters, Skype, phone or email.
But how do I pursue that knowing that more than likely she won't respond? I remember watching T.V. once about prison inmates once. And they were basically doing the same. Reconciling with certain people or events from their past to get down to the core of why they are in jail to begin with. Some had issues with their fathers, but their fathers were already dead and gone. So they wrote letters to their pops anyway, but basically got everything out of their system. Maybe I'll do that. I mean we have been divorced for a little over 2 years, but the hurt, anger, and wounds of our hearts are still fresh. I already see in my head what I would write. Words laced with literature poison. I'm quite sure that my emotions would surface as I recount all of the things she did, that they did, that harmed me, my son, our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationship now. Maybe I shouldn't send her anything.
Maybe I'll just pick some other random thing to talk about. After all my father wasn't there sometimes, as such my Mother was always there and I never really had a older male figure to bond with. I won't say that I was alone in my life. We always hung out with some of our uncles and aunts who were around our age anyway.
What am I going to do?
For the past month, I've been watching at the Center a DVD that deals with Manhood and a wounded heart. The basic understanding being that your past effects you in the future. It also effects those who you love around you. So my homework deals with this. I am to look at my past and figure out if my hurts deal with an Absent Father, Overly-Bonded with Mother, Alone Life (no family or friends in which to guide me) or a Wounded Heart. Once I pick one, I am to explain why I chose that one, and eventually I am to essentially face my hurt and in some way reconcile with it so that, well so that I can be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
This will be a hard task for me. I guess this is more akin to counseling services in a way. But as a guy, we don't particularly share our feelings. We don't dig deep and get in touch with our fluffy pink fuzzy feelings, with our happy places. So essentially I have to be man enough to go to my place that has butterflies and rainbows and gumdrop raindrops and bunnies and sunshine. So once I do that, I need to figure out what is most effecting me. Something that I know I have a hard time getting past. There's one thing that consumes my thoughts on a daily basis, whether it be in the most insignificant detail or the most devastating hurt.
My Ex, her Parents, and my divorce which includes taking my son away from me and not allowing me ANY form of time whether that be through letters, Skype, phone or email.
But how do I pursue that knowing that more than likely she won't respond? I remember watching T.V. once about prison inmates once. And they were basically doing the same. Reconciling with certain people or events from their past to get down to the core of why they are in jail to begin with. Some had issues with their fathers, but their fathers were already dead and gone. So they wrote letters to their pops anyway, but basically got everything out of their system. Maybe I'll do that. I mean we have been divorced for a little over 2 years, but the hurt, anger, and wounds of our hearts are still fresh. I already see in my head what I would write. Words laced with literature poison. I'm quite sure that my emotions would surface as I recount all of the things she did, that they did, that harmed me, my son, our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationship now. Maybe I shouldn't send her anything.
Maybe I'll just pick some other random thing to talk about. After all my father wasn't there sometimes, as such my Mother was always there and I never really had a older male figure to bond with. I won't say that I was alone in my life. We always hung out with some of our uncles and aunts who were around our age anyway.
What am I going to do?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I was stuck with her- 04/12/12
I had another dream last night about my Ex. Why do I still dream of her. Why must I be reminded of her. It's like I'm being forced to remember her. I don't remember a lot, it's so cloudy and blurry.
I was trapped with her. In some room or just.....attached somehow. It was almost as if we were traveling together, and we spent the night/day in a hotel room, or we were camping out in the woods. Whatever the case was, since I don't remember how we were together, we were together. We talked. In the dream it was after our divorce. Apparently we had been separated for a while. I remember her talking about her parents. I'm guessing the role they played in our divorce or their presence in her actions in not allowing me to have any contact with our son. I think she was apologizing. I remember her telling me that she was going to allow him in my life again (s/n which is something she has promised before and never committed to). I think she mentioned that her parents wouldn't have much say so about our son anymore and maybe being involved in her life so strongly. I remember feeling peace in the dream. I was hopeful. I felt like progress would be made finally. In the dream I believe that once we finished talking, we were going to go see my son, so obviously I was excited. I think we were around a campfire, but it was like..... I don't know. Anyway, I wake up.
I'm at a low right now. A spiritual and emotional low. I've gotten to the point that I've said "Screw her! Just forget her!" I see pictures of her and I think "I can't believe I was married to that. I've wasted time, money, emotions on this?! What was I thinking? I endured all of her misplaced anger. Endured physical hurt. Endured emotional distress. And for what? So that we can get divorced, for which I still have no real answer as to why she left me and snatched our son"
It's one of the greatest things to snuggle up to a good woman during the night. To hear her soft breathings in your ear. To feel her warm breath cascading down your neck. You feel her fingers dance across your back as she holds you, tracing her fingers along your spine as if she's memorizing every feature about you. I know that I'm speaking literally in the physical, but I'm asking you to look past that and see the emotional. These physical traits are hints of the love deep down within her that she has for you (or me).
A small part of me thinks of ways to make her suffer emotionally. Show her what she has been putting me through these past 4 years. Let my pain and anger come to the surface and let my wrath control me. For those few minutes I relish in it. Then I come to my senses, hang my head low and my shoulders droop.
I can't make her suffer. I'm not able to. I don't posses the streak in me to make her suffer.
Her mother once said that I have the Spirit of Mercy dwelling within me. Whether that be true or if that's another one of their talking as if they know everything, I know not. But this I will say is true. As much as she angers me in willingly keeping my son away from me. There's two things that keep me from losing control.
I remember the bible teaching forgiveness and mercy. It states it time and time again. I'm controlled by that. Regardless of what she does, I always have to have mercy and forgive her. I also have already given it to God. Which means that I can't touch the situation. If I make a move, I screw up everything.
I'm naturally a calm and nonchalant kind of guy, and I don't wish any hurt or harm towards anyone (with the exception of the few times I allow myself a few minutes of emotional wrath towards her). Wouldn't serve me any purpose. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to spend the rest of my life running from the cops or go from Cornelius to Cornelia (Co-Co for short) in prison somewhere. So I keep being patient, trying to forgive her, and having mercy.
So. Screw her. I still can't figure out how someone who professes to be a Christian can treat others unchristian-like.
I was trapped with her. In some room or just.....attached somehow. It was almost as if we were traveling together, and we spent the night/day in a hotel room, or we were camping out in the woods. Whatever the case was, since I don't remember how we were together, we were together. We talked. In the dream it was after our divorce. Apparently we had been separated for a while. I remember her talking about her parents. I'm guessing the role they played in our divorce or their presence in her actions in not allowing me to have any contact with our son. I think she was apologizing. I remember her telling me that she was going to allow him in my life again (s/n which is something she has promised before and never committed to). I think she mentioned that her parents wouldn't have much say so about our son anymore and maybe being involved in her life so strongly. I remember feeling peace in the dream. I was hopeful. I felt like progress would be made finally. In the dream I believe that once we finished talking, we were going to go see my son, so obviously I was excited. I think we were around a campfire, but it was like..... I don't know. Anyway, I wake up.
I'm at a low right now. A spiritual and emotional low. I've gotten to the point that I've said "Screw her! Just forget her!" I see pictures of her and I think "I can't believe I was married to that. I've wasted time, money, emotions on this?! What was I thinking? I endured all of her misplaced anger. Endured physical hurt. Endured emotional distress. And for what? So that we can get divorced, for which I still have no real answer as to why she left me and snatched our son"
It's one of the greatest things to snuggle up to a good woman during the night. To hear her soft breathings in your ear. To feel her warm breath cascading down your neck. You feel her fingers dance across your back as she holds you, tracing her fingers along your spine as if she's memorizing every feature about you. I know that I'm speaking literally in the physical, but I'm asking you to look past that and see the emotional. These physical traits are hints of the love deep down within her that she has for you (or me).
A small part of me thinks of ways to make her suffer emotionally. Show her what she has been putting me through these past 4 years. Let my pain and anger come to the surface and let my wrath control me. For those few minutes I relish in it. Then I come to my senses, hang my head low and my shoulders droop.
I can't make her suffer. I'm not able to. I don't posses the streak in me to make her suffer.
Her mother once said that I have the Spirit of Mercy dwelling within me. Whether that be true or if that's another one of their talking as if they know everything, I know not. But this I will say is true. As much as she angers me in willingly keeping my son away from me. There's two things that keep me from losing control.
I remember the bible teaching forgiveness and mercy. It states it time and time again. I'm controlled by that. Regardless of what she does, I always have to have mercy and forgive her. I also have already given it to God. Which means that I can't touch the situation. If I make a move, I screw up everything.
I'm naturally a calm and nonchalant kind of guy, and I don't wish any hurt or harm towards anyone (with the exception of the few times I allow myself a few minutes of emotional wrath towards her). Wouldn't serve me any purpose. I'm not the kind of guy that wants to spend the rest of my life running from the cops or go from Cornelius to Cornelia (Co-Co for short) in prison somewhere. So I keep being patient, trying to forgive her, and having mercy.
So. Screw her. I still can't figure out how someone who professes to be a Christian can treat others unchristian-like.
Monday, March 26, 2012
I took the practice test! 3-26-12
Ok so the guy told me to come in on this past Thursday at 9:30. I got there at about 9:31 to 9:32 at the latest. The lights were off and the door locked. I waited at the door for about an hour. No one showed. I left and came back about 3 or 4 times, closed. So I figure, I'll try another location next week. So I go to this other office today at South Dekalb Mall and was able to get started. I've been taking the practice test online and have passed pretty regularly, but this test here......I failed it by 3 points. I needed to have had scored a 50 or above to pass, but I got a 47. :(
After my non taking test from Thursday, I told some of my coworkers, who basically said, "That's a sign". I can understand why they say it's a sign. And I am used to living life by "signs", but I have started asking myself at what point do you consider something a sign as opposed to just some random coincidence? Is everything a sign? When should one, whose living spiritually, consider something a sign. What do you look for? I guess my major problem is that my family in general, well we just don't really venture that far from what is ordinary to us. There's not a lot that we have done or experienced. We are "safe". So if anything to the smallest degree happened if we were to move outside of our safe box, we would immediately run to it's shelter and call it a sign (at least in my view, I could be wrong). So me taking this step, well it's a big step for me. And since the office was closed on Thursday, I was inclined to give up and not pursue my dream, looking for any excuse to tuck my tail in and whimper. However I still ask, how does one define what exactly a sign is? Aren't there times in life where we must forge ahead despite the negative? What is the old saying? "If you try and don't succeed, try, try, again?" Why is it at times we say that life is filled with ups and downs and that when we fall we have to get up, dust our pants off and keep going, yet other times we stop all things in the name of a sign?
Is a sign supposed to guide you? Or is it supposed to stop you? If it guides you, will it tell you in what direction in which to go, or will it leave you hanging?
I don't discount signs at all, it's just that at this point in my life, I'm not willing to look at everything "negative" as being signs to stop moving forward. I believe in signs truthfully. If I don't move forward, I remain as I am right now.
Nothing.
I'm so ready to leave. So ready for a difference. Ready to live life on my terms (as opposed to what others desire of me). It's just like the cars I've purchased in the past. The first car that I purchased was because of my age in relation to what insurance would have cost me. The second car I purchased was for my Ex. I have never purchased a car just because it was a car that I really wanted. Same thing goes for this decision. I made it because it is what I want. It feels liberating!
After my non taking test from Thursday, I told some of my coworkers, who basically said, "That's a sign". I can understand why they say it's a sign. And I am used to living life by "signs", but I have started asking myself at what point do you consider something a sign as opposed to just some random coincidence? Is everything a sign? When should one, whose living spiritually, consider something a sign. What do you look for? I guess my major problem is that my family in general, well we just don't really venture that far from what is ordinary to us. There's not a lot that we have done or experienced. We are "safe". So if anything to the smallest degree happened if we were to move outside of our safe box, we would immediately run to it's shelter and call it a sign (at least in my view, I could be wrong). So me taking this step, well it's a big step for me. And since the office was closed on Thursday, I was inclined to give up and not pursue my dream, looking for any excuse to tuck my tail in and whimper. However I still ask, how does one define what exactly a sign is? Aren't there times in life where we must forge ahead despite the negative? What is the old saying? "If you try and don't succeed, try, try, again?" Why is it at times we say that life is filled with ups and downs and that when we fall we have to get up, dust our pants off and keep going, yet other times we stop all things in the name of a sign?
Is a sign supposed to guide you? Or is it supposed to stop you? If it guides you, will it tell you in what direction in which to go, or will it leave you hanging?
I don't discount signs at all, it's just that at this point in my life, I'm not willing to look at everything "negative" as being signs to stop moving forward. I believe in signs truthfully. If I don't move forward, I remain as I am right now.
Nothing.
I'm so ready to leave. So ready for a difference. Ready to live life on my terms (as opposed to what others desire of me). It's just like the cars I've purchased in the past. The first car that I purchased was because of my age in relation to what insurance would have cost me. The second car I purchased was for my Ex. I have never purchased a car just because it was a car that I really wanted. Same thing goes for this decision. I made it because it is what I want. It feels liberating!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I've made changes! 03/11/2012
I'm having to work out now. I have to be able to complete I believe about 50 pushups in 2 minutes, 50 pullups in 2 minutes, and run a mile and a half in 12 minutes and 15 seconds. Course that's when I graduate. I've made a decision that no one expected me to do.
You ever wonder....... well course then again I can't vouch for everyone, I'll just say that in my experience, we depend on God but it seems as though most times it's for financial issues. Like we need to make just enough money to pay this bill, or we need just enough money for enough gas to make it one more day, or whatever along those lines. We call on Him and ask for help in other matters as well such as maybe a loved one is going through some mess and needs some strength, or maybe our teenager is going through that time of his/her life and they are always angry so as a parent we pray for them. But what else do we ask God for help for? If God is all powerful, which we know Him to be, why is it that we settle for.....life? Why can't life settle for us? Why should we live paycheck to paycheck? Is there a way to be too humble? Does that manner of being too humble allow others to walk all over you?
I made a decision. A decision that I wanted to make back when I was in my early 20's. At the time I got scared and didn't chase it. Then years later I met someone who would soon become my Ex and snatch my child to AZ. Now where am I at? I'm 30 years old and not satisfied with my life. I thank God for my job. I've been employed for 15 year this coming June. My current title is "Supervisor". My actual role is cashier. I make I believe 13.90 an hour, I've got full benefits, granted access to 401k, along with health, dental, and vision insurance, guaranteed 40 hours a week. And yet, I'm not satisfied with my life. I thank God for all of that. Let me just say, 13.90 is not enough to take care of your responsibilities. It's one thing if you're single and have no kids or a significant other to worry about. You're doing ok. But with responsibilities, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. So I'm making drastic changes.
My eyes long to see the sights as I sit in the middle of a Japanese intersection during morning rush hour. They wish to see the landscapes of Hawaii, and the countryside of Australia. I wish to see a gorgeous Italian woman, and turn a few female heads in the U.K. all because they think my American accent is so beautiful, and while I'm there, have at a plate of authentic fish and chips.
When I was no more than a year and a half, I told my mother (after I had escaped from the apartment and was standing on the sidewalk of a busy street- a story you HAVE to hear from my mother and grandmother!) "You see those cars and trucks? They're going places, and one day I'm gonna go places too." That desire still reigns within me. I want to see this world. I want to see what God made.
You all pray my strength in the Lord.
You ever wonder....... well course then again I can't vouch for everyone, I'll just say that in my experience, we depend on God but it seems as though most times it's for financial issues. Like we need to make just enough money to pay this bill, or we need just enough money for enough gas to make it one more day, or whatever along those lines. We call on Him and ask for help in other matters as well such as maybe a loved one is going through some mess and needs some strength, or maybe our teenager is going through that time of his/her life and they are always angry so as a parent we pray for them. But what else do we ask God for help for? If God is all powerful, which we know Him to be, why is it that we settle for.....life? Why can't life settle for us? Why should we live paycheck to paycheck? Is there a way to be too humble? Does that manner of being too humble allow others to walk all over you?
I made a decision. A decision that I wanted to make back when I was in my early 20's. At the time I got scared and didn't chase it. Then years later I met someone who would soon become my Ex and snatch my child to AZ. Now where am I at? I'm 30 years old and not satisfied with my life. I thank God for my job. I've been employed for 15 year this coming June. My current title is "Supervisor". My actual role is cashier. I make I believe 13.90 an hour, I've got full benefits, granted access to 401k, along with health, dental, and vision insurance, guaranteed 40 hours a week. And yet, I'm not satisfied with my life. I thank God for all of that. Let me just say, 13.90 is not enough to take care of your responsibilities. It's one thing if you're single and have no kids or a significant other to worry about. You're doing ok. But with responsibilities, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. So I'm making drastic changes.
My eyes long to see the sights as I sit in the middle of a Japanese intersection during morning rush hour. They wish to see the landscapes of Hawaii, and the countryside of Australia. I wish to see a gorgeous Italian woman, and turn a few female heads in the U.K. all because they think my American accent is so beautiful, and while I'm there, have at a plate of authentic fish and chips.
When I was no more than a year and a half, I told my mother (after I had escaped from the apartment and was standing on the sidewalk of a busy street- a story you HAVE to hear from my mother and grandmother!) "You see those cars and trucks? They're going places, and one day I'm gonna go places too." That desire still reigns within me. I want to see this world. I want to see what God made.
You all pray my strength in the Lord.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Where are the real Christians? 02/19/2012
Why does it seem as though the ones who screw you over call themselves "saved" and Christian? Why is it that they are the ones who continue to make promises of change, yet revert back to whatever actions they had from before? Why is it that they are the ones looking down on us/you with their heads in the air all prideful, as if they know everything, and what they do is not wrong or of any offense?
Why do I keep forgiving her? Why do I continue to allow her to screw me? And if I have really forgiven her, why do I feel so much anger towards her now?
I long to be near the water, in a foreign country, allowed to be left alone. I'd be surrounded by the chatterings of the birds and the murmur of the waters near me. I'd fish and hunt for food. I'd build my house with my own two hands. I'd be known in the community as an honest and good man, yet no one would dare to bother me out of respect and of the unknown. I wouldn't have a cell phone or any direct line with the outside world. I wouldn't have to deal with my Baby Momma (Ex Wife) and her actions and I'd have to spend the rest of my days dealing with the fact that I more than likely she will never let me be involved in my sons life, whether by phone or letter, or picture, or in a hug.
I'd start over
.
Just me and God.
Why do I keep forgiving her? Why do I continue to allow her to screw me? And if I have really forgiven her, why do I feel so much anger towards her now?
I long to be near the water, in a foreign country, allowed to be left alone. I'd be surrounded by the chatterings of the birds and the murmur of the waters near me. I'd fish and hunt for food. I'd build my house with my own two hands. I'd be known in the community as an honest and good man, yet no one would dare to bother me out of respect and of the unknown. I wouldn't have a cell phone or any direct line with the outside world. I wouldn't have to deal with my Baby Momma (Ex Wife) and her actions and I'd have to spend the rest of my days dealing with the fact that I more than likely she will never let me be involved in my sons life, whether by phone or letter, or picture, or in a hug.
I'd start over
.
Just me and God.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Save me I didn't follow you!
Alright so we have in the bible examples of what happens when we follow God. If we lean on Him, He takes care of us. If we leave Him, we have to fend for ourselves, not that He isn't right there, but that we have left Him. In my experience, He has ALWAYS been there even when I never recognized it. I have to say though that in my view, the same applies to marriage. Here's why.
We all know that God constructed the idea of marriage. Therefore marriage is "good and very good". Marriage was created in His sight, and since He created it, we know it to be good because all things that He creates are good. We learn from the bible through it's many verses how to be a better husband or wife, which I tell you with all seriousness, to be better husband or wife usually means you have to be a better Christian first. It is through these many verses that we can recognize that marriage is important, more important than what the standard of marriage is today. I think it is safe to say that God wants us to remain married, and has given us scripture to follow, a sort of guideline, to help us remain married, knowing that our faults as man can overpower us and therefore destroy the marriage.
So why get married? In my toddler years, some of the teachings we received was that it is better to marry than to burn, I believe that scripture to be in 1 Corinthians 7th chapter. So what we were being taught was that when you become of age to be sexually active, before you start humping every woman (or man) you see, go ahead and get married. If you don't, you won't make it to heaven because you had sex before marriage. I think there is truth to that but here's what we also found. In those early years the members were getting married based on that scripture. Years later, as my understanding serves, "a lot" of those marriages fell. I wish I could define "a lot" for you but I just don't know the specific number. So why'd they fall? They married for the wrong reason. They married to have sex so that they wouldn't burn, but they weren't looking far enough past the honeymoon to say "Now what do we do"?
Which is why I said that it seems to me that it is better to become a Christian first before you become a husband or wife. Your role as husband or wife is easier when you have a committed role as a Christian. Your role as Husband or Wife is enhanced by your following as a Christian. You recognize your place, you understand your duties and more importantly, you know who you follow. And when both husband and wife follow towards the same goal, that being God and His standard/direction, your marriage is made better because you aren't following your own personal rules and regulations per se, but you follow Christ and His teachings.
Now with that said, what happens when we don't follow Christ when it comes to marriage? Well look at society. Look at our standards. Man has lowered it's standards. We accept a mother with 3 kids by 2 or 3 different daddies. We tell her it's ok, then call her, in the black community, a "strong black woman" because she's doing it all on her own. Our men become boys when they find out that their mate is pregnant, not wanting to be in his Baby Momma and child's lives. People get married, in front of God, family, and the pastor, and get divorced within a few years. If that now divorced husband and wife had kids, they go from Father and Mother in marriage to Baby Momma and Baby Daddy through the divorce. What makes them different than the other Baby Momma /Daddy who never got married? Further more, if that same now divorced Husband/Wife get married again to someone else, AND have more kids, they aren't any better than the other Baby Mommas with 2 kids by 2 different fathers, and the Baby Daddies that are spewing their seeds at every hole they can find. The term "Ex Husband" or "Ex Wife" doesn't make the situation any better. You still had sex with multiple partners either way. In marriage we wear protection to prevent more kids, out of marriage we wear our magnums to prevent kids AND disease. In marriage we know who we are coming home to, he/she is there. They are ours, and we are theirs. Out of marriage, we spend our time "looking for love". So we have to go through the process of meeting new people, enduring new personalities, filtering through the people who really won't make your life enjoyable, then we have to "get to know" someone new. You're starting over all because you ended your marriage. In some cases we remain alone not wanting to contend with the level of man or woman out there.
I don't say that marriage is easy, let me be real with you. Marriage is real. It is tough.Your wife or husband will make you scream and it won't necessarily be during the moment of ecstasy. But I tell you with conviction, if you follow God and cling to him, your marriage will survive, and you won't have to endure some of those things I mentioned when you don't follow God.
If marriage is designed by God, our being married and remaining married is glorifying God. We may not really say "Yea I'm getting married to glorify God", but our actions say just that when we show others that our God is THE God to follow when we remain married.
Let the knowledge of Christ and His teachings flourish within me like a never ending fountain of pure water. Let His Spirit dwell within me, quickening my spirit and strengthening me against the enemy's devices. Let His light shine within me for His benefit as He sees fit.Let all those who pass by this page, who may read, who may understand be blessed and strengthened and let their understanding grow about Christ, and themselves.In Jesus name, Amen.
We all know that God constructed the idea of marriage. Therefore marriage is "good and very good". Marriage was created in His sight, and since He created it, we know it to be good because all things that He creates are good. We learn from the bible through it's many verses how to be a better husband or wife, which I tell you with all seriousness, to be better husband or wife usually means you have to be a better Christian first. It is through these many verses that we can recognize that marriage is important, more important than what the standard of marriage is today. I think it is safe to say that God wants us to remain married, and has given us scripture to follow, a sort of guideline, to help us remain married, knowing that our faults as man can overpower us and therefore destroy the marriage.
So why get married? In my toddler years, some of the teachings we received was that it is better to marry than to burn, I believe that scripture to be in 1 Corinthians 7th chapter. So what we were being taught was that when you become of age to be sexually active, before you start humping every woman (or man) you see, go ahead and get married. If you don't, you won't make it to heaven because you had sex before marriage. I think there is truth to that but here's what we also found. In those early years the members were getting married based on that scripture. Years later, as my understanding serves, "a lot" of those marriages fell. I wish I could define "a lot" for you but I just don't know the specific number. So why'd they fall? They married for the wrong reason. They married to have sex so that they wouldn't burn, but they weren't looking far enough past the honeymoon to say "Now what do we do"?
Which is why I said that it seems to me that it is better to become a Christian first before you become a husband or wife. Your role as husband or wife is easier when you have a committed role as a Christian. Your role as Husband or Wife is enhanced by your following as a Christian. You recognize your place, you understand your duties and more importantly, you know who you follow. And when both husband and wife follow towards the same goal, that being God and His standard/direction, your marriage is made better because you aren't following your own personal rules and regulations per se, but you follow Christ and His teachings.
Now with that said, what happens when we don't follow Christ when it comes to marriage? Well look at society. Look at our standards. Man has lowered it's standards. We accept a mother with 3 kids by 2 or 3 different daddies. We tell her it's ok, then call her, in the black community, a "strong black woman" because she's doing it all on her own. Our men become boys when they find out that their mate is pregnant, not wanting to be in his Baby Momma and child's lives. People get married, in front of God, family, and the pastor, and get divorced within a few years. If that now divorced husband and wife had kids, they go from Father and Mother in marriage to Baby Momma and Baby Daddy through the divorce. What makes them different than the other Baby Momma /Daddy who never got married? Further more, if that same now divorced Husband/Wife get married again to someone else, AND have more kids, they aren't any better than the other Baby Mommas with 2 kids by 2 different fathers, and the Baby Daddies that are spewing their seeds at every hole they can find. The term "Ex Husband" or "Ex Wife" doesn't make the situation any better. You still had sex with multiple partners either way. In marriage we wear protection to prevent more kids, out of marriage we wear our magnums to prevent kids AND disease. In marriage we know who we are coming home to, he/she is there. They are ours, and we are theirs. Out of marriage, we spend our time "looking for love". So we have to go through the process of meeting new people, enduring new personalities, filtering through the people who really won't make your life enjoyable, then we have to "get to know" someone new. You're starting over all because you ended your marriage. In some cases we remain alone not wanting to contend with the level of man or woman out there.
I don't say that marriage is easy, let me be real with you. Marriage is real. It is tough.Your wife or husband will make you scream and it won't necessarily be during the moment of ecstasy. But I tell you with conviction, if you follow God and cling to him, your marriage will survive, and you won't have to endure some of those things I mentioned when you don't follow God.
If marriage is designed by God, our being married and remaining married is glorifying God. We may not really say "Yea I'm getting married to glorify God", but our actions say just that when we show others that our God is THE God to follow when we remain married.
Let the knowledge of Christ and His teachings flourish within me like a never ending fountain of pure water. Let His Spirit dwell within me, quickening my spirit and strengthening me against the enemy's devices. Let His light shine within me for His benefit as He sees fit.Let all those who pass by this page, who may read, who may understand be blessed and strengthened and let their understanding grow about Christ, and themselves.In Jesus name, Amen.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The In Laws: The Brotha from anotha Motha
I actually have no problems with my B-I-L. He was always cool. We both seemed to have a mellow nonchalant way of being. I know he's stayed away from me during and after the divorce and I think it was more so a situation of him not wanting to involve himself, at least I'd like to think that, and of which I do appreciate. I harbor no anger towards him at all and do miss him and his wife tremendously. I actually looked up to him with much respect and awe. It was cool to go to the same school as he did and sort of tag a long in his footsteps so to speak, yet chasing my own dreams in the process. I hope he and his wife and family are doing good and I wish them nothing but success in their marriage. I would hate to see them go through a divorce as I and his sister did.
I'll include his wife as well, especially since she is part of him. I never really got to know her as well, yet she is cool. I'd have to say a match made when it comes to the both of them.
If I have another dream about them staring at me as they have in the previous dreams, I'll have no choice but to email him, which I don't really want to do because of the awkwardness of the situation. Could you imagine that? "Hey I know we haven't spoken in the past 3 years but I just want to say I'm ok and I hope you all are. I love yall and miss yall. Oh and by the way, the only reason why I'm emailing you is because I keep dreaming about you and your wife, so I just wanted to let you all know that I'm ok and I guess I'll pray for yall too...since I'm not entirely sure why I keep seeing you all. So, BYE!" Yea........not sure that I want to have to contact him about that, but I guess I'd have to if I see that dream again.
I guess the next In Law blog should be about my F-I-L. THAT'S gonna be a hard one! I harbor more anger towards him because I put my trust in him, and I feel that he dropped the ball. He never kept his promise. He failed my wife and I. They told us to trust in them, we did, they failed my wife and I, we got divorced, they are still married.
Why did I learn so much after the divorce? Why did I see more after the divorce? Why was I made stronger after the divorce?
There's so much to forgive and so much to apologize for.
Yall pray that the knowledge of Christ abounds within me. That it flourishes and quickens my spirit, allowing me to be a better man of God, or rather, Son of God.
I'll include his wife as well, especially since she is part of him. I never really got to know her as well, yet she is cool. I'd have to say a match made when it comes to the both of them.
If I have another dream about them staring at me as they have in the previous dreams, I'll have no choice but to email him, which I don't really want to do because of the awkwardness of the situation. Could you imagine that? "Hey I know we haven't spoken in the past 3 years but I just want to say I'm ok and I hope you all are. I love yall and miss yall. Oh and by the way, the only reason why I'm emailing you is because I keep dreaming about you and your wife, so I just wanted to let you all know that I'm ok and I guess I'll pray for yall too...since I'm not entirely sure why I keep seeing you all. So, BYE!" Yea........not sure that I want to have to contact him about that, but I guess I'd have to if I see that dream again.
I guess the next In Law blog should be about my F-I-L. THAT'S gonna be a hard one! I harbor more anger towards him because I put my trust in him, and I feel that he dropped the ball. He never kept his promise. He failed my wife and I. They told us to trust in them, we did, they failed my wife and I, we got divorced, they are still married.
Why did I learn so much after the divorce? Why did I see more after the divorce? Why was I made stronger after the divorce?
There's so much to forgive and so much to apologize for.
Yall pray that the knowledge of Christ abounds within me. That it flourishes and quickens my spirit, allowing me to be a better man of God, or rather, Son of God.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The In-Laws- The Mother; 12-27-11
So one of the things I recognize about myself, is that I carry some hurt feelings about my In Laws, more specifically with my Mother and Father. It's easy to remember and focus on the negative than it is to remember and be joyous about the positive. I've got good reasons to be hurt, but at some point, well it just doesn't make sense to always squint my eyes and ball up my fists whenever I think about them. What they did isn't all that they are. They are in general decent people. So I'm intending to start up a small series of positive things about my In Laws. I'd be essentially replacing the hurtful negative with the maturing positive. This one is about my Mother.
There was certain things I could go to or get from each of my In Laws. I could talk ALL DAY with my Mother about recipes.We were always bouncing ideas off of each other. I remember shortly after getting married and in our own place, I wanted to make some salmon patties. I had an idea how to make them, but I couldn't remember how. I had always watched my own Moms, but I figured I could call my new Moms. And I did call her, and yep they turned out great.
I remember the time when I grilled some cornish hens over charcoal. I had one of those tools where you can put a can of beer or soda inside and put the chicken on top of that, grill it, and you've got some good meat. So I'm using that with orange soda, some garlic and some basic seasonings. Grilled it up for maybe 45 minutes, let her try it, and I promise you........we fought. Me and my Moms. As I recall she literally snatched a drumstick right when I cut it up good, problem was it was still in my hand. It was good. I still think on that and smile. That was one of my favorite moments with her.
Then there was the other time when she made a "Better than Sex Cake" (otherwise known as a Mississippi Mud Pie, but I prefer the before mentioned name). GOOD!! That thang there! I don't remember all the details, but as I recall, I was gone at work or school when she made it and I had what was left, and my Brother had some, then some more. Out of all the cakes she's done, that's my favorite. Boy do I miss it! I mean I could very well do it myself, yes. And it would be good. But it wouldn't be the same. Sometimes food tastes better by the person who normally does it.
I remember this angel food cake thing she did. It had like three layers of the angel food cake, and that was separated with layers of a whip cream or cool whip I believe. And she had strawberries and blueberries on top, and maybe within the layers of cream. I remember the white chocolate covered strawberry on top with blueberries. When I ate it, she had just taken a call with her sister. I knew she was on the phone but I decided to tell her it was good. So I walked over and pointed at the cake and maybe gave a thumbs up or something. I wasn't satisfied so I got on the floor and played like I was dead with my tongue out as if to say "It was to die for".
She did make this turkey breast pasta dish that was good. Just regular egg noodles with chunks of turkey breast instead of chicken or beef. But the kicker was that she added I believe orange juice to it and gave it a slight orange flavor. THAT was good!
I wonder if she still has that one drawer FILLED to the brim with recipes? Haha.
I used to pick at her because she always seemed to make things more difficult than what it was. Like a 10 for 10.00 sale at the grocery store. No you don't have to buy all ten items to get that for 1.00. Then when she would finally understand, I'd go get a light bulb and put it over her head. Haha.
I think me and my Moms share similar personality traits. I don't know what word to use really. Soft, humble, meek maybe. Merciful, grace. I don't know. None of those speak to me strongly, they only hint at what I mean.
I miss her and her cooking. Believe me, I know how to cook, and don't mind cooking, and in fact at times, I love cooking. Actually now that I think about it, there is no one and has never been anyone else that I could bounce ideas off of like that when it came to cooking.
I miss her, respect her and I love her.
There was certain things I could go to or get from each of my In Laws. I could talk ALL DAY with my Mother about recipes.We were always bouncing ideas off of each other. I remember shortly after getting married and in our own place, I wanted to make some salmon patties. I had an idea how to make them, but I couldn't remember how. I had always watched my own Moms, but I figured I could call my new Moms. And I did call her, and yep they turned out great.
I remember the time when I grilled some cornish hens over charcoal. I had one of those tools where you can put a can of beer or soda inside and put the chicken on top of that, grill it, and you've got some good meat. So I'm using that with orange soda, some garlic and some basic seasonings. Grilled it up for maybe 45 minutes, let her try it, and I promise you........we fought. Me and my Moms. As I recall she literally snatched a drumstick right when I cut it up good, problem was it was still in my hand. It was good. I still think on that and smile. That was one of my favorite moments with her.
Then there was the other time when she made a "Better than Sex Cake" (otherwise known as a Mississippi Mud Pie, but I prefer the before mentioned name). GOOD!! That thang there! I don't remember all the details, but as I recall, I was gone at work or school when she made it and I had what was left, and my Brother had some, then some more. Out of all the cakes she's done, that's my favorite. Boy do I miss it! I mean I could very well do it myself, yes. And it would be good. But it wouldn't be the same. Sometimes food tastes better by the person who normally does it.
I remember this angel food cake thing she did. It had like three layers of the angel food cake, and that was separated with layers of a whip cream or cool whip I believe. And she had strawberries and blueberries on top, and maybe within the layers of cream. I remember the white chocolate covered strawberry on top with blueberries. When I ate it, she had just taken a call with her sister. I knew she was on the phone but I decided to tell her it was good. So I walked over and pointed at the cake and maybe gave a thumbs up or something. I wasn't satisfied so I got on the floor and played like I was dead with my tongue out as if to say "It was to die for".
She did make this turkey breast pasta dish that was good. Just regular egg noodles with chunks of turkey breast instead of chicken or beef. But the kicker was that she added I believe orange juice to it and gave it a slight orange flavor. THAT was good!
I wonder if she still has that one drawer FILLED to the brim with recipes? Haha.
I used to pick at her because she always seemed to make things more difficult than what it was. Like a 10 for 10.00 sale at the grocery store. No you don't have to buy all ten items to get that for 1.00. Then when she would finally understand, I'd go get a light bulb and put it over her head. Haha.
I think me and my Moms share similar personality traits. I don't know what word to use really. Soft, humble, meek maybe. Merciful, grace. I don't know. None of those speak to me strongly, they only hint at what I mean.
I miss her and her cooking. Believe me, I know how to cook, and don't mind cooking, and in fact at times, I love cooking. Actually now that I think about it, there is no one and has never been anyone else that I could bounce ideas off of like that when it came to cooking.
I miss her, respect her and I love her.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
I spoke with my son this past Monday! 12-22-11
So I'm at home and I've been slaving over the grill with this turkey.
S/N- Y'all missed out on some good bird!
And whilst I'm carving up the bird (a technique I only learned form Youtube within 5 minutes or so), I get a call that says "restricted". So I'm thinking it's my Uncle calling me. Maybe my Aunt. I don't know. I just know that it can't be my son, after all they won't let me have any contact with him. So I say "Helloooo" and the response is "Hi Daddy". So I'm like "Huh? I know someone is messing with me". So I say yet again "Hello?" And response. "Hi Daddy" It was my Little Dude!! We talked for about 30 minutes or so. It was hard hearing/understanding him. I think part way they were driving home and the window was down, then when they got home, She told him to put the phone to his mouth, then there was the fact that he would cross between jibber jabber and clean english, as any kid his age would do. I didn't care. That was my son on the line and I was gonna listen to it all!! Here's what I did understand though. "SANTA CLAUSE DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!" Haha. And Him- "Where do you live?" Me- "I live in GA." Him-"I wanna see you in GA Daddy" Yea that one made me feel good.
So here's what's crazy. This fast has been all about me. I'm doing my best to put God first and limit drastically thoughts about my son and Wife. It's not that I don't care for them, but I feel as though I put them before Him to often with my thoughts. Wondering what he's doing, what's he learning, does he miss me, etc... And for her, why won't she let me speak with him, is her mother blocking the calls and not notifying Her that I called for our son, I've only talked to him 4 times this year, why don't I have her number instead of her mother's, I am her Baby Daddy after all, our son is my and her responsibility, etc......Anyway, I've been focusing on God rather than my feeling and emotions of them. It's almost as if I've been rewarded for doing so.
I thank God for hearing. If I couldn't hear, I would not have been able to hear my son say "Daddy", or "I wanna see you in GA".
Y'all be good, and be Christian.
S/N- Y'all missed out on some good bird!
And whilst I'm carving up the bird (a technique I only learned form Youtube within 5 minutes or so), I get a call that says "restricted". So I'm thinking it's my Uncle calling me. Maybe my Aunt. I don't know. I just know that it can't be my son, after all they won't let me have any contact with him. So I say "Helloooo" and the response is "Hi Daddy". So I'm like "Huh? I know someone is messing with me". So I say yet again "Hello?" And response. "Hi Daddy" It was my Little Dude!! We talked for about 30 minutes or so. It was hard hearing/understanding him. I think part way they were driving home and the window was down, then when they got home, She told him to put the phone to his mouth, then there was the fact that he would cross between jibber jabber and clean english, as any kid his age would do. I didn't care. That was my son on the line and I was gonna listen to it all!! Here's what I did understand though. "SANTA CLAUSE DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!" Haha. And Him- "Where do you live?" Me- "I live in GA." Him-"I wanna see you in GA Daddy" Yea that one made me feel good.
So here's what's crazy. This fast has been all about me. I'm doing my best to put God first and limit drastically thoughts about my son and Wife. It's not that I don't care for them, but I feel as though I put them before Him to often with my thoughts. Wondering what he's doing, what's he learning, does he miss me, etc... And for her, why won't she let me speak with him, is her mother blocking the calls and not notifying Her that I called for our son, I've only talked to him 4 times this year, why don't I have her number instead of her mother's, I am her Baby Daddy after all, our son is my and her responsibility, etc......Anyway, I've been focusing on God rather than my feeling and emotions of them. It's almost as if I've been rewarded for doing so.
I thank God for hearing. If I couldn't hear, I would not have been able to hear my son say "Daddy", or "I wanna see you in GA".
Y'all be good, and be Christian.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wisdom and Knowledge 12-14-11
So I was reading like 2 days ago and something stood out. Paul is by far my favorite apostle. To understand where he began, and to follow his transformation, is inspiring and yet instills hope within me.
Ephesians1:17-19
17That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:
18The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,
19And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,
In Ephesians1:17-19, he talks about how he prays for the church in Ephesus, that they get spiritual understanding and maturity. So as I was reading I was like "Oh! OH OH!! THAT'S what I want!!!
Here's what I know.
I've read the new testament over and over and over and over and so on. Yet there is always something that you never caught the first time or third time or what have you. So you are always growing and understanding, in yourself and your spirit. But I believe also, that you just can't get everything the first time. Being a true Christian takes time and hard work. Our understanding is as little kids. We have to kind of grow into understanding.
1 Corinthians 3:1-2
1And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ.
2I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able.
Anyway, yall be good and be Christian!
Ephesians1:17-19
17That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:
18The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,
19And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,
In Ephesians1:17-19, he talks about how he prays for the church in Ephesus, that they get spiritual understanding and maturity. So as I was reading I was like "Oh! OH OH!! THAT'S what I want!!!
Here's what I know.
I've read the new testament over and over and over and over and so on. Yet there is always something that you never caught the first time or third time or what have you. So you are always growing and understanding, in yourself and your spirit. But I believe also, that you just can't get everything the first time. Being a true Christian takes time and hard work. Our understanding is as little kids. We have to kind of grow into understanding.
1 Corinthians 3:1-2
1And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ.
2I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able.
Anyway, yall be good and be Christian!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Idols 12-13-2011
Ok so I was thinking about idols at some point. I realized that the word "idol" could mean a few things. I think in most cases, when someone says Idol, we immediately think of some carving made of wood, stone, or something made of metal that we worship. We all know of the story in the old testament when the people worshiped the golden calf. It was made by man, then man worshiped it as his god. But how does that apply to this day in time? It is 2011. I think people making their own gods are few and far between. But do we "worship" anything, or someone else more than we do God?
I remember I believe earlier this year how I was playing this game on FB. I realized that I was accessing the site, and playing the game more than reading my bible. We have cell phones that do any and everything. We are constantly glued to those little screens. It's become more important to know whats going on with the outside world than whats going on with our inner spiritual selves. People get on other websites that constantly update their daily going ons- what they are eating, where that are at, how they feel, etc., yet did they take 5 minutes to pray for their kids or more importantly their spiritual beings? I'm just talking. But I wonder too though. In our day to day lives, do we really put God first as we think we do, or are we doing things that contradict our beliefs?
I don't see any real wrong with websites, or with cell phones, or with any other thing we use to make life bearable. I just wonder about how involved are we with these things.
Exodus 34: 14- For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God
I remember I believe earlier this year how I was playing this game on FB. I realized that I was accessing the site, and playing the game more than reading my bible. We have cell phones that do any and everything. We are constantly glued to those little screens. It's become more important to know whats going on with the outside world than whats going on with our inner spiritual selves. People get on other websites that constantly update their daily going ons- what they are eating, where that are at, how they feel, etc., yet did they take 5 minutes to pray for their kids or more importantly their spiritual beings? I'm just talking. But I wonder too though. In our day to day lives, do we really put God first as we think we do, or are we doing things that contradict our beliefs?
I don't see any real wrong with websites, or with cell phones, or with any other thing we use to make life bearable. I just wonder about how involved are we with these things.
Exodus 34: 14- For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Fast update 12-10-2011
So I'm on my 10th day of my fast and it ends on March 12th. It seems as though it's the hardest fast that I've done. Before I never really had an issue of fighting off the urge to go out and buy a burger, or stop by and get a taco. But this one is different. I've never really had an issue of denying myself food to the point of where it was a struggle. But this one is serious! Before, it was more like, I knew what foods I wasn't going to eat, and I was cool with it. This time, I have to reprimand myself or encourage myself or put it out of my mind somehow.
I've had one dream so far. I realized when I woke up that I've had it before, except this one was more detailed and had more scenes, I just can't figure it out though.
There's one thing I know. Anything of value, you have to fight and struggle for. Spiritually speaking, anything you strive for, the enemy will do whatever he can to destroy you. He's working hard to stop me on my fast. I've got 90 more days left.
May the Strength of our Father in heaven be with me forever and always. I ask that He won't let me falter in my progress towards Him. I can't fail Him now. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Y'all be good, and be Christians.
I've had one dream so far. I realized when I woke up that I've had it before, except this one was more detailed and had more scenes, I just can't figure it out though.
There's one thing I know. Anything of value, you have to fight and struggle for. Spiritually speaking, anything you strive for, the enemy will do whatever he can to destroy you. He's working hard to stop me on my fast. I've got 90 more days left.
May the Strength of our Father in heaven be with me forever and always. I ask that He won't let me falter in my progress towards Him. I can't fail Him now. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Y'all be good, and be Christians.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The House- The Blessing 12-6-2011
Ok so the house isn't all that "Wow!" on the outside, but the inside is pretty decent. In the end, you live inside a house, not the outside. The inside needs to be better, at least in my view, since the inside is actually lived in. The outside can always be fixed. But how is it a blessing?
We had been looking for a house for the past month to two months. We found some great leads, but there was always something that didn't fit us. Too high an amount, not enough rooms, bad area, etc.. The majority of our things had been moved to storage, so we are sleeping on the floors, only a few pots and pans to cook with. Then what happens? The plumbing goes! You plunge the toilet and the stuff comes out of the tub. Everyone say it with me! "EWWW! NASTY!" So we spend a good week or two making trips to the water valve at the street shutting it off, partly due to the fact that the kitchen faucet is constantly dripping. Oh yea, my personal gripe. I had no "room" of my own so I slept in the family room in the back. Problem is that there was no door, only a curtain. A curtain that my little sister would just go through if she were bored to see what I was doing. A curtain that my Moms would just walk through looking for something of hers in my room since the majority of her things were in there. Can't someone knock?! Anyway, we get a letter in the mail that says that we have to move out by some date, and most of us move out that night. We spend the next 2-3 weeks basically homeless in my mind. I mean we had places we could crash at, but nothing of own. Then one Saturday night, my Moms has me to buy a Sunday paper. She wakes up Sunday morning and makes calls. She got to the, I believe it was the second call, and it was like everything fit together. Conversation. Price. Rooms. We ended up looking at the house that day and put money down on it I believe that same day. Anyway long story short, we got the house. And it seems to fit us. The plan is that this would be a transitional house for the next one. Meaning we don't plan on living here for the rest of our lives, which is another reason why it's not so important how the outside looks. We would stay here a good year, two at most, then move on to something better.
I thank God for this house. I can say that it is true. He never left us. He was with us always. He got us this house that we feel comfortable in. We feel at home. Oh and yes, there's a door to my room. Hehe.
May the Spirit of Christ dwell with this family and within this home, this house. May His Spirit provide us peace and love, not just to those who live here, but to those who walk through it's doors, those who look upon it, those who drive by it, those who walk by it. May the Spirit of Christ continue to strengthen and quicken our spiritual spirits allowing us to stand upright in the name of Jesus, so that no wrinkle may be found among us. Let all those who would judge us be chastised according to His judgment, but more importantly, as He sees fit, let them be given understanding. Let them be allowed to grow in Christ. Let them be able to see the good and positive, and not the bad and negative. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
We had been looking for a house for the past month to two months. We found some great leads, but there was always something that didn't fit us. Too high an amount, not enough rooms, bad area, etc.. The majority of our things had been moved to storage, so we are sleeping on the floors, only a few pots and pans to cook with. Then what happens? The plumbing goes! You plunge the toilet and the stuff comes out of the tub. Everyone say it with me! "EWWW! NASTY!" So we spend a good week or two making trips to the water valve at the street shutting it off, partly due to the fact that the kitchen faucet is constantly dripping. Oh yea, my personal gripe. I had no "room" of my own so I slept in the family room in the back. Problem is that there was no door, only a curtain. A curtain that my little sister would just go through if she were bored to see what I was doing. A curtain that my Moms would just walk through looking for something of hers in my room since the majority of her things were in there. Can't someone knock?! Anyway, we get a letter in the mail that says that we have to move out by some date, and most of us move out that night. We spend the next 2-3 weeks basically homeless in my mind. I mean we had places we could crash at, but nothing of own. Then one Saturday night, my Moms has me to buy a Sunday paper. She wakes up Sunday morning and makes calls. She got to the, I believe it was the second call, and it was like everything fit together. Conversation. Price. Rooms. We ended up looking at the house that day and put money down on it I believe that same day. Anyway long story short, we got the house. And it seems to fit us. The plan is that this would be a transitional house for the next one. Meaning we don't plan on living here for the rest of our lives, which is another reason why it's not so important how the outside looks. We would stay here a good year, two at most, then move on to something better.
I thank God for this house. I can say that it is true. He never left us. He was with us always. He got us this house that we feel comfortable in. We feel at home. Oh and yes, there's a door to my room. Hehe.
May the Spirit of Christ dwell with this family and within this home, this house. May His Spirit provide us peace and love, not just to those who live here, but to those who walk through it's doors, those who look upon it, those who drive by it, those who walk by it. May the Spirit of Christ continue to strengthen and quicken our spiritual spirits allowing us to stand upright in the name of Jesus, so that no wrinkle may be found among us. Let all those who would judge us be chastised according to His judgment, but more importantly, as He sees fit, let them be given understanding. Let them be allowed to grow in Christ. Let them be able to see the good and positive, and not the bad and negative. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
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